Bates Motel: Trust Me, Review

"Trust me": (phrase) Words said right before evil shower scenes of doom.

It’s been renewed for a second season!!! Is this a cause for celebration, or dismay? Only time will tell, for Bates Motel continues on in its journey where it vacillates between, “OMG,” “wtf?” and “what’s going on….?”


My brain responds to the chaos of quality that was this episode by requiring me to organize the format of this review into something systematic, something specifically structured, something with limitations and rules….


A Poem!


And not only any poem….


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An Acrostic Poem!


Let your inner third grader rejoice as you read the acrostic summary version of “Bates Motel: Trust Me.”


Brothers are often dicks, but they can be there when you need them. The bonding between Norman and Dylan continues as Dylan not only bails Norman out of Deputy Shelby’s house in the nick of time, but serves as Norman’s sounding/advice board when the police discover that dead guy Norman stabbed a bunch of times’ body. Oh, and he also helps get Norman laid.


A grieving teenager, like Bradley, wears sunglasses all the time when she grieves. On cloudy days; In ice cream shoppes; In the bedroom. Ok, she didn’t wear them in the bedroom. But those stylin’ wayfarers were so present this episode I expected her to make out with Norman in them…and then for them to fall off and her to have missing eyes! Zombie Bradley, dah dah duuuuuuum! Sadly, that did not happen. It would have been an awesome explanation for a shitty costume choice.


The first time Norman has sex is romantic, well lit, and weirdly reminiscient of that scene in Baz Luhrman’s Romeo + Juliet when they do it. Basically, it’s everything devoid of any sort of morality. Waaaait…is this a dream sequence? Did this really happen? Maybe Norman had another psychotic break where he thinks he did Bradley….oh, nope. Norma finds he’s missing and Dylan confirms: he’s out. With a girl. Getting laid. Norma flips. Then she gets arrested for the murder of that dead guy she killed (aka Keith Summers).

Every time I think Freddie Highmore is being so stylized he’s wooden, he surprises me. This week, it happened when Norman was on an enforced bonding fishing trip with Deputy Dylan (gotta love alliteration). Dylan says, “You gotta trust me, Norman.” Norman says, “I do.” But not before he lets slips a snarl that two seconds later turns into an uncomfortable smile. Damn, Highmore. You have repressed potentially psychotic budding serial killer down cold. How far you have come from your Finding Neverland days. Actually, you pretty damn good in that, too. Aw, shucks. Some people just get all the talent and all the luck. And money. And adorable British accents. Sigh.


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Sometimes, it pays to be honest with law enforcement. Like when someone breaks in and rapes you, and then you kill him, you should really call the police from the get go. Ahem, Norma.


Mothers shouldn’t involve their kids in homicide. They also shouldn’t have freakouts trying to hide evidence in front of their kids. They also additionally shouldn’t have weird Freudian reactions to their 17-year old son getting laid.


Orgasms Bradley had due to Norman: I’m guessing zero. He does make her smile, though. Points for emotional orgasm?


Time will tell what will happen with CF girl. She is conveniently absent due to a cold/CF setback, allowing the Bradley-Norman storyline to continue.


Emma’s dad however warns Norman to treat her well, be a good guy. Be kind. Be nice. She has a crush on you. Norman assures him he will…and then blond, beautiful sadness wearing shades catches his eye in the sunset and he sleeps with it. Ah well. Better luck next time, Emma.


Let us pretend for a second people still rent DVDs from a video store…wait, sorry, can’t. Clearly this is just an excuse for Norman to get stopped creepily by Dylan, who corners him in an alley.


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To then utter the worst line of the episode, “Death is profound.” Ok, maybe the line isn’t terrible. The delivery, however, sucked. Go back to banging Norma and being pretty like an old woman (Norma’s words, not mine), deputy.


Rugs are the downfall of man. Or at the very least, carpet fibers betray Norma. Damn that CSI shiz!


Unfortunately, Norma is totally arrested. Unfortunately again, she doesn’t believe Norman when he tells her there’s an Asian sex slave in the deputy’s basement. Unfortunately for Norman, when Norma checks it out, the basement is empty of sex slaves and full of tools and manly detritus. Is Norman crazy? Nope. He still has the scratch on his ankle. Wait, did he give that to himself? Ummm….maybe?


Safe sex should always be practiced, especially if you are under 18. Did Norman and Dylan do this? I dunno. They were too busy being artistic, I guess, to put on a condom. But, then again, maybe she’s on the pill, and he clearly ain’t carrying a disease. C’mon. That hair part pretty much screams virgin. Well, it did. Do you think his hairstyle will change now that he’s done the dirty deed?


Two love storylines are better than one. One storyline may end in a fatality. Who will get axed? Emma or Bradley? Wait, sorry, not axed. Knifed.


Maybe since you know your Mother has been raped, Dylan, you shouldn’t forcibly push her back against a wall and trap her by brute force when you’re arguing. That’s bound to set off some flashbacks.


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Every time I think I know where this story is gonna go, I’m surprised. Did I think Norma was going to be arrested? Nope. Maybe Norman will confess to save her…WHAT IF THEY KILL HER OFF THIS SEASON? Oooooh, that’d be a ballsy move. I doubt it though. There’s too much chemistry between Farmigia and Highmore to end that relationship quite yet. And yes, I use chemistry in the creepiest way possible, with a good lot of uncomfortable coughing thrown in. 

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