This American Horror Story: Hotel review contains spoilers.
American Horror Story: Season 5, Episode 10
Liz Taylor has easily been the best thing about American Horror Story this season, and tonight was no exception. Sure, I’ve repeatedly brought up how delightful Evan Peters performance as James March is but that’s really just a fun display of manic scenery chewing that lacks any real depth or substance. Liz Taylor on the other hand is probably American Horror Story‘s most sympathetic character and also its most three dimensional. Denis O’hare brings the perfect blend of sadness, sarcasm, and dignity to Liz in just the right amounts. I was so happy when she reunited with her estranged son and decided not to go through with the suicide pact she made with Iris.
Hoo boy, Iris…where to begin? Iris’s tribute video to herself was possibly the most pitiful thing I’ve ever seen, and Kathy Bates delivery of the line “I wanted it to be beacon of hope for my three followers on Instagram” was perfect. This makes, what, the second failed suicide attempt for Iris? Never has someone failed so badly at killing themselves since that guy from Bachelor Party.
Of course if the girls had ended up pulling a Thelma and Louise than we wouldn’t have gotten to see their epic Pulp Fiction moment at the end of the episode, but more on that later.
Meanwhile the Countess and Donovan took a page from Sean Connery in The Untouchables and taught Valentino and Natacha a valuable lesson; never bring a knife (or sword in Valentino’s case) to a gunfight. Seriously though, good riddance to those two. They were probably the most unessential characters of the season. If you remove them from the narrative it pretty much stays the same.
The same can’t be said of John and Alex Lowe who finally addressed the elephant in the room, they do not give a single solitary shit about their daughter. Hey, at least they all but admitted it. Alex also enlisted John in helping her to finally resolve the nagging issue of the vampire schoolchildren. Unfortunately the solution was extremely anticlimactic. I’m going to go on record as saying that I have no sick desire to see children killed, however in this situation exterminating the nest of anklebiter neck biters seems like the best way to fix the problem.
But noooooooo they bring the little twerps to the hotel…for reasons? I don’t know, I’ve given up trying to make sense of this season, at this point I’m just along for the ride. Just like I no longer care how these vampires work. Honestly, when one of the vampire schoolchildren died of measles I just shrugged.
When Ramona acted as though she was going to feed on the vampire schoolchildren…ok that one I am too confused over to stay silent. Since when do vampires feed on other vampires? Would Ramona become a double vampire? Do two undeads cancel eachother out like double negatives? Would feeding on the kids bring her back to life or would it make her some hulk of a super vampire? Killing the brats really would have been simpler, just saying. I mean if Star Wars wasn’t afraid to imply the wholesale slaughter of a group of children, why should American Horror Story be?
But back to the Lowes, it seems that they have rekindled their Marriage much to the chagrin of Sally who wanted John all to herself. I really don’t get Sally, she’s just kind of been there the whole season. I keep forgetting about her until she shows up again. She’s certainly not superfluous like the Valentinos but she hasn’t exactly been the most important character either. Given how she ended this episode-vowing to kill John Lowe- I expect the last three episodes will give Sally a much more significant role. Especially since the Countess and Donovan might be out of the picture.
Ok,I’m pretty sure that the Countess and Donovan aren’t dead but having Liz and Iris storm in on them, double fisting pistols and blasting away was just friggin awesome! That may have been the single best scene of the season.
With only three episodes left I’d love to hear anyone’s guess on how the season will end. I personally hope Liz lives, Ramona gets her revenge and they both adopt Scarlet and live happily ever after. Sadly that is never going to happen so I’ll settle for an explanation for Drill-dick from episode one.
Next week there is no new episode of Hotel, so have a Happy Holiday and we’ll pick things up in 2016.
Random Thoughts About Tonight’s Episode
If it takes becoming a serial killer and a vampire respectively to save your marriage maybe it’s not worth saving?
Donovan’s Hotline Bling dance was just ridiculous.
Best lines of the night:
“I am Death!”
“I have better cheekbones anyway. Cheekbones for days!”
“I don’t kill children but I could make him a blood relative.”
“Did you cum inside her or did you shoot on her tits like you do with me? With a whore it’s always on the tits”