American Horror Story: Hotel — Room 33 Review

This American Horror Story: Hotel review contains spoilers.

American Horror Story: Season 5, Episode 5

Remember the parts in Grindhouse where the words “Missing Reel” would pop up and the movie would skip ahead abruptly? “Room 33” feels a little bit like that.

The episode starts with a bit of fan service as a flashback shows us that the Countess once went to get an abortion at the murder house from the first season of American Horror Story…er…Murder House. It’s during this flashback that we find out that apparently vampires can get pregnant, which — since we know from season one that ghosts can impregnate the living — begs the question: “When will we see a ghost/vampire hybrid baby?” Ryan Murphy, if you are reading this how about a ghostpire for season six? I’ll expect some kind of royalties of course. The Countess’s “child” survives, by the way, but more on that later.

After the brief scene connecting Hotel to Murder House we jump to Tristan and Liz Taylor in bed. Wait what? This is where it starts to feel like we skipped an episode or two. We should have gotten at least one prior mention of this affair as setup, especially since the one brief bedroom scene we do get leads right to some Romeo and Juliet level declarations of love. Finn Wittrock’s Tristan is almost tolerable here too as he shows the first hint of sincerity his character has ever expressed when he tells Liz that he loves her. Of course he has to ruin it by repeatedly telling anyone that will listen, “I’m not gay,” like some closeted homophobe. Of course Liz isn’t gay either since she identifies as a woman but I suspect that’s a concept a little too complex for Tristan to grasp.

Another area that felt like we missed something is the Countess’s and Will Drake’s courtship. We haven’t seen Drake since episode three when the Countess first revealed her plot to turn the very gay Drake straight and then marry him for his money. We see him in the bed with the Countess, again having trouble staying aroused (something she calls Tristan to help with, which of course elicits another “I’m not gay!” from the whiny brat). But then we jump ahead to family trips to Paris and Will Drake telling the Countess he loves her. Did she find a way to work around his erectile dysfunction or do they plan on having some young beefcake with them at all times?

Meanwhile, Alex is just intent on turning into the worst person ever. First off, she clearly doesn’t give a shit about her daughter which, I don’t know, as a parent I have to think that favoring one child over another is frowned upon. Then there’s her determination to ruin what’s left of her husband’s sanity. First she makes him think he was hallucinating seeing Holden and the coffins, then gets two ghosts to have sex with him. I just don’t get it. She doesn’t hate John, and if anything, now that she’s found Holden, she could just turn him and Scarlet and have one big happy vampire family. It’s not like she has any qualms with turning children. Speaking of which…is the vampire schoolchildren epidemic from the last episode still spreading? The way it was getting around in that school you’d assume that all of California was sucking blood by now but there was no mention of any of it this week. Must have been addressed during the lost episode.

Concerning the ghosts, I did not understand anything that was going on with the two Eurotrash girls from episode one. We know that ghosts in the American Horror Story universe are bound to the buildings that they die in so I don’t see what finding a purpose has to do with anything. The story about the woman who killed herself in the tub ended with her still haunting the hotel, finding a purpose didn’t let her pass on to the afterlife or anything. And yet the two blondes are told that they need to find a purpose and when they do, it’s apparently having a three-way with a cop and then covering him in blood. Seriously, was the blood from the girls? Was it John’s blood? Why did Alex want them to sleep with her husband in the first place? Forget it Jake. It’s American Horror Story.

And poor John, there’s been another “10 commandments” murder and he’s no longer a part of the investigation. On top of that his daughter is creeped out by him, especially because he has ghost blood on him (I’m going with that). But the worst thing to happen to poor John this week has got to be running into the Countess’s evil vampire fetus. Yes, the fetus that the Countess tried to get rid of, not only survived but resides in the titular Room 33. That is until it decides to hitch a ride back to John Lowe’s house and attack him like one of the babies from It’s Alive. Or if you prefer, Basket Case. Either way it’s a creepy little monster baby. I don’t have anything to back this up but for some reason this episode had me thinking that John isn’t the commandment killer. It seems like he’s headed for a spectacular breakdown with all the hell that everyone is putting him through and I think it will have less impact if we find out he’s been crazy and murderous the whole time.

Ramona Royale returns with Donovan to clear the Hotel Cortez of vampires but sadly we’ll have to wait until next week to see if they are successful. James March appeared for a second. Seriously, is Evan Peters getting paid by the minute this season or something?

The episode ended with something that should have left me supremely satisfied but, thanks to the beginning of the episode, left me feeling slightly sad. Tristan is dead! I’m thankful I won’t have to put up with his general jerkiness anymore but I feel bad for Liz Taylor. She has become one of the best things on the show and I would have liked to see her happy. Oh well, ding, dong, the douche is dead.

Overall “Room 33” had a lot crammed into it that could have been spread out a bit, along with some confusing ghost stuff, but it also had the death of Tristan and a murderous vampire fetus so it wasn’t all bad.

Random Thoughts About Tonight’s Episode:

• When Ramona told Donovan to go and sniff the Countess’s panties I assumed it was a joke. *sigh* It was not.

• Hmmm…dead woman in a bathtub haunts people in a hotel, where have I seen that?

• You know, as soon as they introduced the evil vampire fetus I was anxious for them to show what it looked like. I got my wish. Be careful what you wish for.

• Best lines of the episode:”I love the bouquet of rotting flesh!””Mr. Woo does not pay for pussy!””The one in the dress has more balls than you babe.”