It’s kept you up at night hasn’t it, the question? We understand.
Like us, you know that BBC period drama Poldark features a great many baked goods, but you don’t know which ones are the best. Or for that matter, the worst. And which ones are just … middling? The Poldark pastries and loaves that are merely okay.
Worry no longer, friends. We’re here with answers.
Please note: ranking positions are subjective – no doubt you’ll each have your own personal list – but even if you strongly disagree with the position of a bun or brioche here, we ask that you please respect the opinions of others in the comments.
30. The burnt pie of shame (series two, episode nine)
As deflated as Demelza’s heart and as dark as Ross’ conscience, the pie served by Prudie the morning after Ross spent the night with Elizabeth in series one is a dread symbol of crusty betrayal.
29. The country loaf of marital disquiet (series two, episode nine)
Even this plump loaf was infected by the miasma of Ross’ infidelity.
28. Conflict cob (series one, episode one)
This wholesome bread may look pure, but witnessing the Luggen men’s attack on Nampara left it dusted with the flour of brutality.
27. Unfatted calf pie (series one, episode one)
This burnt offering greeted Ross on his return from the American war. With his father dead, his fortune gone, his home in decay, and his fiancée engaged to another, it made for a bitter mouthful.
26. The farmhouse loaf of filial fiasco (series one, episode two)
This pedestrian white loaf and dry pie combo did nothing to soothe the soul of Charles Poldark after Francis’ duelling injury.
25. Aunt Agatha and the buns of death (series one, episode three)
Geoffrey Charles’ christening buns soon went stale after his grandfather collapsed that very day. Bad buns, and a bad omen.
24. Judd’s loaf of class discontent (series one, episode three)
This plain white cob hummed with the bitter whiff of class resentment.
23. The bread of mortal fear (series two, episode eight)
The parlous sounds of a cave-in at the mine shook the crumbs of this loaf with existential dread.
22. Conjugal oppression shortbread (series three, episode eight)
These dainty biscuits offered no respite to poor Morwenna in her post-natal, married-to-a-villain malaise.
21. Property-is-theft pie (series one, episode four)
Class activist Judd planned to redistribute the wealth of this fresh-baked pie right into his stomach, before an incensed Demelza rugby tackled him to the ground.
20. Coy cob (series one, episode two)
See this rye loaf attempt to hide under a tea towel from the simmering sexual tension between a scrubbed-clean Demelza and her new master. It can barely even look them in the eye.
19. Altruism scones (series one, episode eight)
This basket of pale patties may not look appetising, but they filled the bellies of the needy when the mine wages were lost.
18. Blackberry and inferiority pie (series one, episode four)
This fruit pie tasted all the more tart thanks to Demelza’s social discomfort around Ross’ high-born family in the early days.
17. Buttered teacakes of rage (series one, episode seven)
Instead of jam, Francis spread these teacakes with a thick layer of ire when he learned that Demelza had facilitated Verity’s elopement.
16. Sororal solidarity loaf (series two, episode six)
Served with the traditional bowl of muddy parsnips, this hard little loaf was as dried-up as Demelza’s hopes for her marriage.
15. Solicitous step-mum tarts (series two, episode four)
You’d think any child would be endeared to their dad’s new wife with a tiered pastry presentation of this quality. Not Esther Blamey.
14. Teamwork pie (series one, episode seven)
Once married, Ross and Demelza became a formidable team, as illustrated by this robust buttery crust.
13. A Sawle market smorgasbord (series three, episode six)
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. A richly laden presentation cart of the best Cornwall has to offer. Look at the sheen on those pasties.
12. Harvest supper flan case (series two, episode three)
Decadence itself! While the peasantry scratched together a few paltry grains, Trenwith gave a sumptuous fig supper.
11. Contractions cake (series two, episode ten)
This golden sponge and scone accompaniment were so delicious they induced Verity’s labour.
10. The biscuits of maternal separation anxiety (series three, episode six)
Young Geoffrey Charles went right off this plate of buttery biscuits when he learned he was being packed off to Harrow by his step-dad.
9. Prudie’s mourning pie (series two, episode three)
The bitter tang of thinking she’d been left “a widder all forlorn” was made more palatable for Prudie by this scrummy pastry feast.
8. Arriviste fondant fancy (series two, episode six)
A display of wealth from the odious George Warleggan, but a delicious looking one all the same.
7. Trenwith treachery scones (Series three, episode five)
Even this plateful of fruit beauties wasn’t enough to sweeten George’s dismay on hearing that Ross had survived his French adventure.
6. The Godolphin gourmet selection (series three, episode four)
George may be evil, but he does know how to lay on a good spread.
5. Hollow victory pies (series three, episode six)
A glistening pie platter to celebrate Drake’s escape from the noose – but little did they know the devil’s bargain Morwenna had made in exchange for his freedom.
4. PTSD Almond Crunches (series three, episode six)
Even this plateful of delicious nutty biscuits proffered by Dwight’s wife can’t cure him of his post-POW woes.
3. Demelza’s “I belong here” loaf (series one, episode two)
This hearty bread didn’t only feed the workers after Wheal Leisure was reopened, but also witnessed Demelza tell Ross that Nampara was where she belonged.
2. Matrimony tart (series three, episode one)
A crispy, flaky celebration of Caroline and Dwight’s love, as featured in their quickie wedding celebrations.
1. Demelza’s hopeful pie (series one, episode three)
The best of them all. With pastry golden as the Cornish sun and a bold woodland theme, Demelza’s deep-fill pie filled both Ross’ stomach and his heart.
There. Doesn’t it feel better to know?