Matt’s Confused Reviews: The Blair Witch Project
Er, Matt might just have got the wrong end of the stick again, as he offers his own unique take on The Blair Witch Project...
The Blair Witch Project proved in 1994 that it was the little indie horror that could, grossing well over $162b in its opening weekend, making it the third most successful film of all time behind one of those nonsense Matrix sequels and Alvin and The Chipmunks. Using its clever plot device of telling the story of film-makers in the process of recording a documentary meant the film could be shot entirely using cheap cameras from the POV of the characters.
The story follows three annoying students who are making a documentary about the Blair Witch, an old woman who used to live in the woods but then got killed by magic and so haunts the woods. They go to the supermarket and then they knock about in the woods for a day.
“Are we lost?” asks the ill looking guy with the long hair. “No, we’re not lost” Says the nasal-voiced girl whose documentary they’re filming. “But the map you’re using came free with a Happy Meal” reasons the chubby one “it’s got pirates on it and a big X which should apparently mark One Eyed Willie’s treasure”.
“Do you want to find the treasure or not?” snaps the girl.
“I do, I just don’t think we’ll be able to without the help of the Grimace” he responds.
“Aren’t we supposed to be looking for a witch?” questions the ill looking one.
“Oh shit, you’re right. We are lost then” she concedes.
They wonder about in the woods for a while. There are lots of tree and bushes and things like that, things you’ll commonly find in the woods. At night when they camp out they can hear some mental making a right racquet, knocking sticks together in the distance. “Fucking hell” says the ill looking guy “I hope that’s not a witch banging those sticks together”
It turns out that it is. They decide to have party in the woods and build a tree house. They invite some friends over, all of whom seem pretty hip. It’s really loud and the witch gets annoyed because she can’t hear the sticks she’s banging together. She gets so angry, not just about this but also because they neglected to invite her, she turns into a massive great big monster and throws the Statue of Liberty’s head at them.
“Oh that’s right” says the chubby guy “I forgot these woods were in Central Park. Shit, now there’s a massive monster attacking the city” He then tells them that he wants to go to the dry cleaners across town because he has some dry cleaning to collect and doesn’t want it to get all ripped up by the Blair Witch monster. They all agree.
They take a train to the dry cleaners, which is on the 98th floor of a building that has been half knocked over. They decide to go up anyway. They rescue the dry cleaning and then decide to go to a military evacuation point. “We should go to a military evacuation point” says the nasal voiced girl “otherwise they might nuke the whole city or something. I’m sorry to my mum, Josh’s mum, Mike’s mum, but most of all, I’m sorry to your mum. Sorry because she’s so fat she sweats gravy”
“Oh snap, she cracked wise on yo’ momma” says the guy who plays that foreign kid on That 70’s Show.
They then take a stroll over to the military evacuation point. They get in a helicopter but the Blair Witch monster knocks it out of the sky. The chubbier guy survives the crash, crawls out of the wreckage and points the camera right at the Blair Witch monster. It’s our first clear view of it and, with a clear shot and in the light of day, the monster looks like a silly cartoon character. He drops the camera in disappointment and then the film is just sort of finished.
All in all, I’d say that this film was the greatest film ever made. I’d give it one hotdog out of three.
Matt’s Other Confused Reviews…
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