Matt’s Confused Reviews: Police Academy

“We need more police” says the chief of police “Let’s just invite a random collective of people in off the street and whack them into the academy. If nothing else it should prove a good laugh”

“Sound like a fucking riot” says humourless Captain Harris “A real recipe for disaster. Should be great for the casual observer. I mean, it will prove massively inconvenient for me, who will have to handle the day-to-day running of the academy and who will be held accountable for the quality of the recruits. But otherwise, sure, it sounds like an absolute hoot”

They bring in a bunch of new recruits. All sorts, a real mix. They start teaching them, but they’re all so rowdy that it becomes a complete nightmare. It’s all pranks and silly noises all the time. In class one day they ask Alex Murphy a question.

“What’s Directive 4, Murphy?”

“Classified” answers Murphy, who is half-robot, half-cop (a Robocop, if you will)

“Does anyone else know? How about you?” asks Captain Harris

“Beep, blup, bloop. Kerhernerna” squeaks the sound effects guy back. He sounds a bit like a coke machine or something and makes Arnold Schwarzenegger and his little bald mate crack up laughing. They both get sent out undercover to look after kids as a punishment. Arnie ends up as a kindergarten teacher, and also a cop (a kindergarten cop, if you will). His little bald friend gets sent to look after some rich kids but it just seems like a passive rip-off of Arnie’s punishment (making him a Pacifier, if you will).

“Blip, blap, blop” says the sound effects guy.

“Damn” says a partially deaf Sylvester Stallone from Copland “I would love to have a bit of a go at the big breasted blonde instructor, so long as ADRIANNE! doesn’t find out”

“Homie please” says Murphy as Robocop “That’s noncejuice. You ain’t got no chance with that Hotty McDotty”

“What?” says Sly.

“I said you have no chance with her” repeats Murphy as Robocop.

“You’ll have to speak up” says Sly “I’m deaf in one ear”

“Never mind” says Murphy as Robocop.

They’re all in class when they notice that Axel Foley hasn’t turned up. Captain Harris asks a kooky old fat couple who are hanging out in the class if they have seen him, and then realises that it is Axel Foley and his friend Martin Lawrence dressed up as old people.

“Dressing up as old people is what I do now that I’m not funny anymore” says Axel.

“How come none of you noticed I wasn’t here?” asks Martin Lawrence in his full Big Momma get-up.

“Because” says Will Smith, Martin Lawrence’s partner in Bad Boys “literally no one likes you or finds you in the least bit funny. You’re like a rip-off of Eddie Murphy but in the humiliating decline of his career. It’d be like trying to be like Steve Martin in Cheaper By The Dozen. You’re not funny, you’re the star of ‘The Black Knight’. I wouldn’t do a third Bad Boys film with you in a thousand years. Michael Bay couldn’t raise enough money”

“Flib bipple dib-dab” says the sound effects guy. Only Hulk Hogan is left laughing at this point and so he has to be a Nanny cop to some spoiled rich kids as well (a Mr.Nanny, if you will).

Then a terrorist situation breaks out at a local office block. Cadet John McClane goes in on a dare, much to the annoyance of Captain Harris. He wipes out the bad guys with the assistance of an elderly black man who turns out to be Axel Foley is disguise. He also gets a bit of help from Murphy as Robocop and Slyvester Stallone, who are just sort of there.

“Ahh shit” says Axel “I’ve still got it”

“Shut up” says Murphy as Robocop “You’re not funny. You’re a dick. I’d kill you if I could, but I found out why directive 4 was classified. I’d never have signed up for this bullpoop if I’d know there was a directive that specifically said I can’t kill Eddie Murphy”

“”I can’t hear none of you guys” says Sly, who quits to go and live in the jungle near Burma so he can get some peace and quiet, finally.

Captain Harris might not like their unconventional methods, but he can’t argue with their results. Then a bucket of water falls on his head.

“Yipee Kai Yay, motherfucker” says John McClane

“Doob, skwanyerfel, kwrerrrk” says the sound effects guy. This time we all laugh, even Captain Harris.

All in all, I’d say Police Academy is a gritty cop drama that packs a real punch. Fourteen stars.