Matt’s Confused Reviews: Pirates of the Caribbean

This film starts in a queue. “You may have paid to get in” says the narrator “but it’s still a forty-five minute wait from this point. And the air conditioning is broken. What’s worse is that either side of you, you’ve got families with young children who are swinging around toy swords and complaining about the heat to their unisinterested parents.”

“We should have got the fast passes,” says one of your party. You know they’re right, but it already cost a ridiculously large amount to get in and at the time you flat-out refused to pay any more through indignation.

Finally, we get to the front of the line but then the film has broken down because someone the size of Captain Jack Sparrow’s mum from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? has managed to force their monstrous frame into one of the cars and now can’t get out. Since you’ve already waited an hour there’s not the slightest fucking chance in hell you’re leaving the queue now, so you wait an extra twenty-five minutes whilst they cut her out of the ride. In the mean time, try not to stare because rather than embarrassed the whale-woman is aggressive, threatening to sue and screaming at everyone. Someone brings her a hotdog to calm her down but you can’t help but feel that’s making the problem worse.

Finally you’re on the film.

“This had better be fucking good now,” says the audience, united as one.

Your little ship-car thing starts moving. First we see Orlando, Florida Bloom telling Frodo about Keira Knightly.

“She’s wicked. I think I’m going to give her this ring,” says Orlando, Florida.

“No, you fucking don’t,” says Frodo, grabbing it and then taking a nine hour stroll, twelve if you watch the extended cut.

Keira Knightly then turns up.

“Alright Keira” says Orlando, Florida.

“Fuck off Disney World, Orlando, Florida. We have no screen chemistry at all. Bring old Johnny Depp on. He’s always dancing away, like he’s in the Rolling Stones or something,” she responds.

“Isn’t Keith Richards his Dad?” questions Gareth from The Office.

“Yeah,” says Keira “but I wish he wasn’t. He might be a Rolling Stone but Keith Richards is no actor.”

Then Johnny Depp turns up and we all have such a laugh. He was mincing it up and dancing away. I suppose you had to be there.

Unfortunately, at this point the film broke down again. Probably another fat person. Ten more minutes and then we’re off again.

Now there’s a dead ghost pirate after Johnny Depp.

“Come along for the ride, Keira and Orlando, Florida” says Johnny. We all love Johnny Depp so much that we don’t complain, even though we’d just as soon have them stay at home. They set off on some kind of journey. It’s not explained but Johnny says something clever and does a little jig that’s really good fun.

“You do all want me here, really,” says Orlando, Florida. He doesn’t even seem to believe it himself.

Then Johnny Depp says something sexually ambiguous and all the men feel a bit confused about their feelings. He’s just so lovely, smiling and being friendly, dancing away.

Johnny Depp gets killed a bit but that’s only so he can kill the ghost pirates once and for all. Not how they did it in The Fog, but it does the job and then Johnny is brought back to life because everyone loves him so much. Then he just stands there, all glorious and shiny, basking in our love.

Then we all get off the film and walk out. There are pictures of us watching the film, but we were all looking off in other directions and one of us was picking his nose, so we don’t buy them. Then we end up in the gift shop and all buy pirate hats and plastic swords because, at least for today, we want to look like we’re having a bloody good time.

All in all, I’d call Pirates of the Caribbean a maritime revolution in cinema. No stars.