Matt’s Confused Reviews: Iron Man

Robert Downey Jnr. is rolling about in piles of cash. He’s just made a fortune because he made a massive bomb and people liked him so much they bought it from him for millions and millions. I think it was the US government or something.

“Selling weapons?” says Gwyneth Paltrow “Tut tut. That’s not very nice. People should be buying Fair Trade weapons off my husband, Coldplay singer Chris Martin, not off you, weapons manufacturer Tony Stark.”

“I see what you mean. I’ll make a suit out of Iron and use it to blow up all the weapons I’ve sold” says Downey Jnr.

“And give everyone their money back?” questions Gwyneth.

“I said a suit made of iron” replies Robert “Deaf bitch.”

He gets to work and knocks a suit together proper quick. It only takes about 8 minutes. It’s quite good, too. It can fly and it has guns and all that. It isn’t as smart as the Bat suit, but not bad. It’s shiny.

He then goes and sets fire to all the bad people that have been buying his weapons. This really annoys his bald colleague, Mr Beardo McWeirdo.

“Oi, pack that in” says Beardo “You’re killing all of our customers. That’s bad for business. Seriously, chill out for a few minutes. We’re not all rolling in stacks of money like you. I’ve got a mortgage to pay. It’s all well and good for you in your flying metal costume but my thirteen year old daughter needs braces. You should see the state of her face, she’s an aesthetic catastrophe. She’s so ugly that she’d undoubtedly be shunned by the elephant man. I’m not saying that better teeth will make her perfect, but it might be enough so that when we take her to park she doesn’t have to wear a bag on her head”

“These weapons are being used to kill people” says Robert “No amount of ugly teenagers could make me change my mind”

“If you seriously don’t stop pissing about in the next two minutes I’ll make my own suit” says Beardo “It will be just like yours only bigger, although I probably won’t have time to paint mine”

Robert Downey Jnr. won’t listen and so Beardo does build his own. They have this massive great fight that looks like something from Transformers. Robert Downey Jnr. wins and then bumps into a girl named Dorothy.

“I’m going to Oz down this yellow road” says Dorothy “Would you like to come with me so you can ask the wizard to replace your heart which is hooked up to a car battery because of an earlier event in the film that most reviewers probably won’t think to mention?”

“Yes” says Downey Jnr.

They stroll off down the yellow brick road, singing and dancing and not relapsing into any bad habits they might previously have had. They soon bump into Nick Fury, who looks like Samuel L Jackson with an eye patch.

“Come with us and ask for some courage” says Dorothy.

“I already have courage, motherfucker” says Nick “What I really need is an eye. I’ve been trying to read the Bible to memorize a passage but I can only see half of it. It’s an optical nightmare, motherfucker”

“Well, he doesn’t usually stock eyes but it couldn’t hurt to ask” says Dorothy

“I’ve been thinking, mother fucker” says Nick “I think I’m a lamb, a Cyclops and also a motherfucking shepherd. But then I think maybe it’s you who is the lamb. Perhaps it’s you who is the shepherd of righteous men. Perhaps you’re the Cyclops”

“No, that’s definitely you” points out Robert Downey Jnr. He’s right. That’s definitely Nick Fury with the eye patch. There’s no questioning it.

“I think” muses Nick “that we all could be lambs, we all could be shepherds and there’s even a possibility that I’m not the only Cyclops among us. But the only thing that is for sure is that we’re all motherfuckers, motherfucker”

“Perhaps you could ask for a brain” suggests Dorothy.

Then they all go to see the wizard of Oz. He has nothing for any of them, so they all hop on Robert Downey Jnr.’s back and he flies them home using his Iron suit that has a jetpack thing.

All in all, I would say that Iron Man is a complete rip off of The Return to Oz, even down to those evil Wheelers that had roller-skates for hands and were far too creepy to be in a kid’s film. I’d therefore give it a rating of 36 hotdogs.