Matt Damon works as a janitor in a university. Not the best job, but he doesn’t want people to think he’s a snob. One day he’s cleaning when notice a really difficult maths question. Easy, he thinks to himself, and he writes down the answer. The establishment is understandably shocked. They ask him if he used a calculator but he insists he didn’t.
They question him further, asking him if he can do fractions and long division. “No problem” he says. They ask him if he’s ever read any books “Any books? Try every book. I’ve read the bloody lot. And I did it at the library so it was free”
They call in Robin Williams to have a chat with him. “You’re bloody clever” says Robin Williams “nanoo, nanoo”. Matt Damon is a bit freaked out by the ‘nanoo, nanoo’ part, and also because Robin Williams seems to be dressed up as an old lady. “Don’t worry about that” says Robin Williams “it’s just because I’m trying to see my kids. Sally Field won’t let me near them but she’s dating James Bond at the minute, and he says I can come over but only if I dress up like an old lady. Then he makes me dance to ‘Hey Ya’ by Outkast and sing along, only I have to change it so that the words are ‘shake it like a bloody martini’ instead of ‘Poloroid picture’. Fucking pervert”
Matt Damon won’t stand for this shit and so he leaves. He goes to the library to see if there are any more books to read.
The government then finds out that he’s really clever and offers him a job. “No thanks” he says “I’d rather be a builder and hang out with Ben Affleck and his brother. That way on weekends we can go out and have a fight with someone” He finally accepts a job under the condition that they hire Ben Affleck and his brother, too.
Ben Affleck gets a job where he has to blow up a meteor with Bruce Willis. They go into space but when Bruce Willis finds out that Ben Affleck has been having a grope at Liv Tyler he gouges his eyes out and then kills himself. Affleck still manages to blow up the meteor without his eyes, because he’s Ben Affleck. If he can single-handedly defend America from the Japanese at Pearl Harbour then one lousy meteor won’t be much trouble.
Ben Affleck’s brother gets a job as a time travelling cowboy and goes back in time to assassinate Jesse James. This part of the film takes absolutely fucking ages.
Matt Damon gets trained up as a CIA hitman. He learns how to do so much that he forgets everything else, even who he is. They tell him that he’s called Jason Bourne and send him to hang out with Julia Stiles. They get on like a house on fire and she convinces him to try to find out who he really is. He thanks her and she says that even though there are a lot of things she hates about him, she’ll still save the last dance for him.
Bourne works out that the only way he’ll ever find out who he is will involve him killing the Kingpin, who has stolen his identity and is keeping it in a safe. Bourne tracks down the Kingpin, only to find that some S & M freak in a red leather one-sy has already killed him. Jason Bourne takes his identity back. “Oh shit, I’m Matt Damon” he says “Fucking hell, you’re Ben Affleck”
“I am Ben Affleck, but I’m blind now” comes the response. Then Matt Damon starts having sex with Sarah Silverman and it’s really funny. Her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel, tries it on with Ben Affleck whilst lots of famous people watch. This part isn’t as funny because Jimmy Kimmel isn’t as good a physical comedian as Sarah Silverman is.
All in all, I’d say Good Will Hunting was good. For a rating, I’d say it’s about 8 ½.
Read Matt’s last Confused Review, Dog Soldiers, right here…