Matt’s Confused Reviews: Dog Soldiers

“Och Ayye, laddie!” shouts a drunken Scot in the woods. He’s seen a big animal-man thing that’s also a dog. He’d probably try to get help except that, despite looking like an inbred football hooligan, it turns out that he’s a writer on a camping trip, so instead he just lets it tear him to pieces.

The army aren’t too fussed about it. They organise a training event for the exact same woods and send in some very English sounding Scottish soldiers, except for one who sounds so Scottish he makes up for the rest.

“What ho, old chap,” says one of the soldiers “we appear to be under attack from some large animal men who are also hounds. How terribly bloody frightful!”

“Ochh aye. That’s a wee bit of a surprise,” says the Scottish sounding one. No one really seems to understand him.

They start shooting at the dog-man things and jump into a car which is being driven by a strong and spirited female. They also work out that one in their midst is working with the Special Branch and is only along to bring back a specimen of the dog man things.

“I just need my specimen. All you chaps are expendable I’m afraid, what what”, he says.

“You bloody scally-wag!” says Dr. Who’s son “That really is rather annoying. You’ve lifted your characters whole plot directly from the film Aliens. I ought to give you a bloody great conk on the nose.”

“You’re quite right, of course,” comes the response “but I think you’ll find that actually this whole situation has been somewhat borrowed from Aliens. In fact, if you’ll excuse my language, asides from the substitution of aliens for werewolves, a predictable twist ending and a budget of about £8, this film that we’re in is a complete and total fucking rip off of Aliens. We’re treating our audience like a bunch of fucking idiots on that front, I’m afraid.”

“Sorry for interrupting your wee moment there, but the strong willed lassie has just started fighting the queen alien in a great bit fucking robot suit. Och aye!” says the Scottish sounding one.

“No need to worry about that, old boy,” mentions the leader of the Scottish soldiers “I’ve just managed to deduce that she’s a werewolf. Wonders never shall cease!”

She wins the fight with the queen alien but it’s too late to save the Scottish sounding soldier who was torn in half by the queen alien. He’s also a synthetic robot person from the future, it turns out.

“Excuse me, young lady,” says Doctor Who’s son “but it would appear that you’ve been rather deceptive in your representation. If one is a werewolf, one should say so outright.”

He’s right about her being a werewolf and so she turns into a wolf.

“Yeah, I am.” she says “But fair’s fair. I might be a werewolf but you’re all about as Scottish as Rod Stewart.”

The leader of the Scottish soldiers pulls a silver spoon out from under his top hat.

“They think it’s all over,” he says as he smashes her head in with the spoon. She collapses, writhing on the floor and covered in blood. “It is now.”

“Why would a Scottish person reference England’s greatest football achievement?” she mumbles, and then she’s dead.

Then they all jump in a spaceship and head back to Earth, joking about how they hope it hasn’t been turned into a prison with no weapons so that if one of the werewolf dog-man things were to have somehow snuck on board they’d have a right job defending themselves.

All in all, I think Dog Soldiers was fresh, original and I completely get what all the fuss was about. I give it half a Ripley out of four.