Matt’s confused reviews: Disturbia

Think you've read every take on Disturbia? Then meet Matt Edwards, a man who - as you'll see over the comings weeks - has been writing some quite confused reviews.

Kale (Shia Lebouf) is just like any other 17 year old high school student; he lives in a massive house, he’s white, looks to be in his early 20s and his Dad left him when he was just a boy.

When provoked into punching an evil teacher in the face Kale is placed under house arrest for the entire summer. This is particularly frustrating to Kale for many reasons. His electronic tag costs his mother money (it turns out that despite the massive house loaded with all the latest technologies, they’re actually struggling for cash). It also denies Kale the opportunity to show his sexy new neighbour a good time in his first car, an old banger (they’re poor, remember) that seems to be given too much screen time early on to be truly incidental.

So Kale mopes around his house doing what any teenage boy would do with the house to himself; he spends the day not looking at internet pornography. He instead amuses himself by spying on the neighbours through a telescope. He also manages to somehow get the girl next door over to hang out and begins a desperate wooing process that seems to be bizarrely but gradually working.

It’s at this point that Kale notices that the creepy man in the house behind his is up to something odd. He talks his generic best friend into breaking into the guy’s house whilst he’s out and they discover some shocking truths. His friend is nearly caught but then isn’t. After the close call Kale and his friend can only watch in horror as the creepy guy turns into an evil robot called Megatron. Then Kale’s car turns into a robot and some more robots turn up and they all start having a massive fight.

Ad – content continues below

Megatron decides for some reason or another that he wants to kill Kale, and the robot that Kale’s car turned into gets killed defending him (don’t worry, he’s not really dead, it just seems like it. I mean, how can you really tell that a robot is dead, anyway?). Then there’s a robot that was a truck, Optimus Prime, and he starts knocking all the bad guys about, really handy in a massive robot fight.

Unfortunately, Megatron gets Kale cornered and is about to finish him off when Kale’s Dad turns up and, get this, it’s only fucking Indiana Jones! He whips Megatron about a bit and then Megatron throws a boulder at him and so he has to run away from it down a thin passage in a cave. Fortunately by this point Kale’s car is not dead anymore and it beats Megatron with some kind of thing. Very heroic.

Then at the end all of the robots say thanks to Kale and they leave, except Kale’s car which is a car again by this point and decides to stay with Kale. Indiana Jones leaves as well, and seems to be accompanied by a small oriental boy who has a big personality. They fly off together into the sunset, heading for Thailand where their love will be accepted.

Then the police find out about the robot attacks, builders start repairing the damage and Kale’s electronic tag gets taken off as all is now forgiven. His mother is proud of him and then his Grandfather turns up and it’s Sean Connery, only for some reason he’s actually James Bond this time. They drink Martini’s and chat for a bit and then Bond leaves in an Aston Martin.

All in all I’d say Disturbia was quite good. I’d give 7.5 hotdogs out of 10%.