Donkey Punch review

Matt Edwards says that despite the controversy, Donkey Punch is actually just really dull.

Donkey Punch

The film Donkey Punch has caused something of a stir. It is a bit controversial, isn’t it? A film about a sex act that even the most hardened net porn aficionado would have to refer to as ‘a bit grim, really’. I wasn’t sure whether I should explain the act in this review because I’m not sure what the Geek can get away with publishing. I’m going to have a go but try to keep this as inoffensive as possible. It goes like this:

A gentleman and a lady involve in sexual intercourse, with gentleman placed behind the lady. It’s a similar style as to how canines would mate. Now, candles are optional in a Donkey Punch, but they’re always nice for setting a romantic mood. Once the gentleman finds himself on the cusp of finalising the act, he strikes his companion in the back of the head or neck, causing her muscles to spasm and resulting in a pleasant sensation for his genitals. Then, although not essential, he would normally lie down and go to sleep.

There came a point where someone found out what a donkey punch was and decided that it would be a great idea for a film. I don’t know what made them think that, but the film is here, existing in cinematic form in multiplexes across the country, so it did apparently happen.

I wish it hadn’t. Because for all of the Daily Mail outrage inspired controversy, Donkey Punch doesn’t deliver anything. It’s just very tame and dull.

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The film starts out with what seemed to be about fourteen hours of brief and clunky dialogue scenes interrupting a series of bad music videos. This serves to bring us to the point in the story where three ladettes on a girly holiday in Spain are on a yacht with some guys they’ve met in a bar. Once aboard, they all start taking drugs and having sex. Very outrageous, like the Sex Pistols or something. Then someone thinks they’ll have a bit of a go at doing a donkey punch, is a little over-enthusiastic and kills his partner in the act. Whoops.

From there arguments are made for and against throwing the body overboard and passing it off as a drowning. Both sides make decent cases, but tempers are lost and further murders follow. The girls play the innocent victims and the evil donkey-punching men are trying to cover it up and all seem to have ulterior motives. Bastards.

The main problem with Donkey Punch is that it’s boring. It’s boring for a couple of reasons. One is an unnecessary amount of pissing about not doing anything. Any action feels rushed and anything else is afforded far more time than necessary.

The other main reason it feels like a long movie is that we’re spending our time with a painfully annoying collection of characters. It’s difficult to tell most of the characters apart. It’s hard to care who has been donkey punched, who has been Chinese burned and who has been given a nasty nipple cripple. You just want them off screen. None of the cast manages to do anything worth mentioning with what little they had to work with.

Donkey Punch isn’t the outrageous and offensive spectacle you’ve heard. It’s just a dull Brit thriller. If you’re really curious then check it out, but otherwise I’d suggest probably avoiding Donkey Punch.

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2 out of 5

Rating:

2 out of 5