Confused Reviews: Home Alone – The Blu-ray Experience

I’ve been hearing all sorts about these Blu-ray discs. Generally, it’s all been positive things about how good the picture looks and how nice it all sounds. So I decided to have a go with one, and what better film to start with than Home Alone.

The film starts off in a house as about 10 adults and their 80 or so spawn prepare to go on holiday right before Christmas. Various high jinks ensue, all ranging between mildly amusing and slightly entertaining. The main child, Kevin, gets shouted at because he doesn’t understand quite why it’s necessary for each family to keep spewing out human lava. His mother doesn’t appreciate his point and insists that he stay home alone while they all go on holiday.

It’s weird, this Blu-ray business. It’s like I’m actually in the McCallister’s house. Fortunately, it’s just Kevin making breakfast to begin with, so it’s nothing too confusing. There was a point where he spilled some milk and I ran to the kitchen to get some paper towels before remembering ‘hold on, that’s just on TV. It only looks like it’s in my house because it’s Blu-ray’.

Kevin went about his day whilst his family went to the airport (for a minute I thought they’d pushed in front of me at check-in before remembering that I wasn’t actually in the airport with them). Then Kevin goes to bed and, thanks to technology, it really feels like you’re in bed with Macaulay Culkin.

Now, I understand that at this point we’re all expecting a Michael Jackson joke. I am aware of this. But it seems too easy, doesn’t it? Would we even enjoy it if I did make it? I’d like to think we’re all above that. I’d like too, but I don’t. The truth is that I couldn’t come up with one clean enough to put in this article that wouldn’t offend 99% of the people who read it. In fact, my first draft of this review contained a comment so filthy I was actually physically sick all over my keyboard.

The next day, Joe Pesci turns up because he’s thinking of burgling the house. I dialled ‘99…’ before realising that it wasn’t my house he was intending to burgle. It was still a bit of a concern to see Joe Pesci in my own living room, though. Had this been a Goodfellas Blu-ray I might have dived out of the window of my flat. I’m only first floor, so there’s a pretty good chance I would survive.

So Joe Pesci and his mate from C.H.U.D. break into Kevin’s house, which you can see as clearly as your own, if not more so. Kevin isn’t happy about this so starts smashing them in with tins of paint and a blow torch. It’s like something from a horror film.

The two crooks do finally manage to restrain him, but then, out of nowhere, a homeless man pops up and hits them with a spade. This is apparently to represent the spirit of Christmas, which I felt even though I was watching it in March. This is something I attribute to the Blu-ray picture quality. Then all of the family returns home and it starts to snow at exactly midnight.

All in all, I feel pressured to give Home Alone on Blu-ray a good review, because the entire cast is watching me through my television screen and they look quite angry. It’s so clear that it’s like they’re in the room with me. Therefore, five out of five.

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