Back in the early days, Hollywood used to be content with just adding a Roman numeral to the end of a film’s title, and that was that: sequel named. In recent times, however, the subtitle has come into its own, with the number sometimes dropped altogether as if to try and make us forget just how many movies in a given franchise we’ve managed to sit through.
Of course, the subtitle has been around for many years, and our favourite – Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, natch – dates back a couple of decades. However, in the attempt to come up with a title that distinguishes their films, Hollywood has come up with this little lot…
Basic Instinct 2: Risk AddictionThere’s only one risk here, and that’s the one some nutter made to bring Sharon Stone back to the franchise that, er, she was never the main star of anyway. Basic Instinct 2: Pissing Money Away would probably have been more accurate.
Batman ForeverIt sounds like a cheap football chant or something a boy band would come out with. Where exactly did Batman Forever come from, and what was wrong with ‘Batman III’?Highlander 2: The QuickeningThe what?
2 Fast 2 FuriousAny title that bases itself around any kind of text speak deserves humiliating. See also the forthcoming Madagascar sequel, Step Up 2 The Streets, and no doubt plenty more teen movies that are currently production. What next? Gr8 Xpect8shuns?
Speed 2: Cruise ControlIs it just us who would think that Cruise Control didn’t necessarily reflect something going really, really fast? Thus, either the word Speed needed to be replaced by ‘Reasonably Fast’, or the subtitle had to go. Neither of these things happened.
Darkman 3: Die, Darkman, DieOh, they just couldn’t arsed, could they? It’s perhaps a great and iconic title for all the wrong reasons. We might even secretly love it…
X-Files: I Want To BelieveHow apt did that prove to be? It was never the most intriguing title, and however much Fox wanted to believe that lots of people would wait a decade for a legal pissing contest to be sorted out, it was proven very, very wrong when the film – which wasn’t too bad, to be fair, pulled in just $20m at the US box office.
Fortress 2: Re-EntrySome films get renamed for their porn movie equivalent. Not this one. It’s still an amazingly-rubbish-but-great film though.
Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & BlondeSigh. Appreciating that political ambitions are the point of the film, what is the point of the title? It’s hardly the most patriotic of flicks anyway, but if you’re going to do a cheap gag in your title, at least make it work. Sister Act 2 is a crappy film, but at least acknowledge they made an effort with ‘Back In The Habit’ as the subtitle. But Red, White & Blonde? Sheesh.
Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond CyberspaceOr, more accurately, the effects budget was cut and we wanted to lower people’s expectations further.
The Howling III: The MarsupialsThe pity here is that we really like the first Howling. But The Marsupials? That ain’t going to make us pick the box up at Blockbuster. Unlike Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf. We’d snap that up in a second.
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal SkullJust as with the forthcoming Quantum of Solace, this was a title that we didn’t warm to at first. The difference though is that we haven’t warmed to it since, either.
Under Siege 2: Dark TerritoryThe epitome of a pointless subtitle. We would have been quite happy with Under Siege 2. Dark Territory, to us, didn’t reflect in any way that the man Seagal would be fighting Eric Bagosian on a train.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The OozeSurely, surely, brevity would have been joy here? That title could barely fit on the crappy plastic cup they tried to flog you at the snack stand…
I’ll Always Know What You Did Last SummerFair enough. But will you stop boffing on about it then?
Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of LifeWhen all else fails, pretentiousness will always have its place…
Die Hard With A VengeanceIt’s to the credit of the Die Hard franchise that it’s always given itself the worst titles to its movies. Die Harder we can just about deal with, but this clunky title to the third flick is, again, just so nobody has to call it Die Hard 3. But it was a better name than…
Live Free Or Die HardPur-lease. At least in the UK they switched it back to its original moniker of Die Hard 4.0. What the hell is Live Free Or Die Hard supposed to actually mean?
Superman IV: The Quest For PeaceYup. Peace is just want you want in an action-packed superhero flick.
Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun In The Hood/ Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha HoodOr: what happens when you let the work experience kid choose a name.
Got any more? Nobody is allowed to add the proposed Seriously Dude, Where Is My Car. Because we, er, kinda like that one…