Why Alex Kidd is better than Mario

I hope Alex Kidd appreciates my fan-girl obsession. I really do. More often than not will strange looks and withering facial expressions pass those nearest and dearest to me, a testament to my never-dwindling Kiddism faith.

Persuading a work colleague or good friend that the pint-sized burger-loving miniature is more worthy of praise than Mario or Sonic is what most would compare to a rather large hole. One I dig for myself.

My argument will undoubtedly consist of a pitch: “Well he’s selfless, charming and cute”, replied to by a swift rebuke of “Yes, and he looks like a monkey!”, at which point I momentarily lose the plot and end the heated debate with a swift kick toward the offender’s – who are almost always male – groinal area.

Those brave enough to challenge my choice of videogame crush can be guaranteed a lengthy fight, more often than not culminating in derogatory insults, and possibly a tea and biscuit. In fact when confronted over my less than best-chums relationship with Mario, I never tire of justifying myself.

For a start, I would much rather be serenaded by Mr. Kidd than an obese plumber; but that goes without saying. You see, Alex is no manual labourer. He is a prince, sent to rescue his brother (and the rest of the population whilst he’s at it) from the clutches of an evil robot named Janken the Great. His seemingly altruistic devotion toward his family is touching, to say the least. No rescuing ditzy princess I’m afraid – in fact, if Alex happened to bump into Mario at the local Tesco or similar, I’m not entirely doubtful that he would advise him to go on a diet and stop chasing after Princess Plums or whatever she’s known as nowadays, because from what I gather she is always in another castle with another bloke (presumably Luigi). Failing that, maybe a TomTom GPS would do him some good.

Although he may not be very good at route-planning, Mario does happen to possess some extra-ordinary abilities, but in all honesty I remain sceptical. If Alex Kidd played dress up and flew about, tried swallowing some magic mushrooms or spat indigestion balls from his stomach, I wouldn’t quite fancy him as much as I currently do.

In addition, I have a love for all (well, most) creatures great and small, thus my negative opinions of Sonic in comparison to Mario remain minimal. Of course I am disappointed that Sonic happened to take over Alex as Sega’s official mascot, when clearly he has no redeeming heroic qualities. I do admit to harbouring a painful pang of jealousy every time I see plush Sonic stares mocking me from store shelves, reminding me of how different things could have been.

However, my opinion stands; unless you count frenzied travelling speeds achieved by performing what I can only liken to a self-fellatio stance as a tangible superhero marvel, I fail to see the appeal in a cute but badly vocalised (if you’ve played Sonic and the Secret Rings you’ll know) woodland creature.

Saying that, I’m about to swallow my pride, toddle off and play Super Mario Bros on my DS. But I am not a hypocrite. Um, honest.