The Crawling Ear: Create Your Own Replacements Concert Story

I’m reading Jim Walsh’s entertaining and informative Replacements oral history All Over But The Shouting for the second time this week. Nearly every page features a hazy Mats concert recollection from someone who was actually there, which has naturally inspired a healthy dose of jealousy in this body. If only I wasn’t five and way into He-Man when these guys were ruling the wastelands. I could have a handful of wild, boozy Midwestern rock n’ roll memories myself.

It’s this pain that led me to create the following form. Now all us dumb-ass kids can at least sound like we witnessed the rise and fall of Westerberg and pals firsthand. Choose the answers you like the best, memorize the whole thing, and reel it off on anyone too young to do the math correctly:

The first time I saw the Replacements was at ______________ (the 7th Street Entry / CBBGs / Crazy Earl’s Shit Factory). I can’t remember what year it was. It must have been pretty early because Tommy looked like he was only _____ (twelve / seven / a fetus). They opened with a ___________ (transcendent / completely out of tune / boner-inducing) version of _____________ (“Sixteen Blue” / “Customer” / “The Night Chicago Died”). I realized right then and there that these guys were _____________ (the greatest band in the world / only slightly better than the Cars / worse than the ’62 Mets). I’ll never forget the ___________ (tutu / trench coat / bee keeper’s outfit) Bob was wearing. After the show, they were all hanging out _________________ (backstage / at the bar / at a local playground). Paul spotted me and said _________________ (“Man, I knew nobody had mustaches in this town!” / “Aw, I fucked your sister in high school!” / “Hey, where’s the nearest Arby?”). We hung out for a few hours shootin’ the shit until ____________ (they got so drunk they all passed out / I realized I had to be at work in an hour / my mom showed up looking for me ‘cause I broke curfew). I’m tellin’ you, that concert was ________________ (one of the best nights of my life / almost as interesting as the time I met Mr. T / the reason I’m currently an alcoholic).

Throw in a reference to Lake of the Isles or Hennepin Avenue and you’ll sound like you were born and raised in Minneapolis. Guaranteed or your bandwith back.