You know what’s brilliant? Stuffing your face with cereal. You know what’s even more brilliant? Being rewarded with a prize for stuffing your face with cereal. Cereal manufacturers of old knew this, which is why your box of Super Sugar Wazzers always contained a nifty plastic objet d’art.
As we all know, cereal prizes have been all but done away with, thanks to the fact that modern kids are stupid and will choke on their prizes and die. I mean, they still do downloads and such, but they’re not as fun as getting elbow deep in rice krispies (which all turn to dust thanks to your clumsy, sticky hands), and retrieving your bit of plastic/greatest thing you’ve ever owned.
Here, then, are some of the choking hazards that livened up our breakfast times…
1. Bike reflectors
These were sported by cool and rad kids everywhere, as we displayed our desire to ‘be seen, be safe’. In reality, we didn’t care if we were safe, but we did care about being seen. Particularly being seen with giant glowing chickens on our bike wheels. If the above advert isn’t enough to convince you, check out the ‘Reflector Rap’.
Sadly for me, I had to go with the Frosties tiger shaped reflectors, rather than the more well known Corn Flakes ones. I say sadly for me, because now I don’t get to do a joke about ‘I hope I get a cock in my cereal’.
2. Euro 96 Virtual Video
“IT’S PETER BEARDSLEY COMING AT YOU AT BREAKFAST TIME!” I assume that’s how the advert went, I didn’t really pay attention because I needed a wee. My mum once met Peter Beardsley, she didn’t know who he was.
Edit: I’ve since learned that Peter Beardsley didn’t play in Euro 96. However, according to Wikipedia, “Beardsley once scored four goals for England against Aylesbury United.” So there.
3. Monster In My Pocket
There is an argument to be made for Monster In My Pocket being the greatest cereal prize of all time. This argument is made by anyone who isn’t me, however, because I have some Gladiators crap coming up. But you should never listen to what I say, so whatever.
Let me tell you – if these monsters scared the pants off a mad professor, then you better believe they are scary. For maximum scariness, hide them in your sister’s room. Although, if I’m honest, that ususally leads to your sister going “Muuuum, Jenny’s been in my room again!”
4. Corn Flakes ‘Stumpers’
“Right Dad, two trains are travelling at 67 miles an hour…”
“What? Be quiet.”
“What time will train B get to London?”
“I’m warning you Gary.”
“You don’t know do you Dad?”
“I tell you what I do know – I do know that you’re grounded.”
Who wants to do maths puzzles at breakfast time? Divs, that’s who.
5. Sugar Puffs Scary Post-it Notes
There’s nothing scarier than mild office supplies, amirite lads?
Well actually, turns out there’s a way to make office supplies even more shit-your-pants – by writing “Booo!” on them. I can tell you, as someone who’s been on a stage in front of people, there is nothing scarier than the word “Booo!”
6. Troll Pencil Toppers
Do you want your pencils to be the best? Of course you do. There are only two ways to get your pencils to be the best. Either have Yikes! pencils, or have pencil toppers. And of all the pencil toppers, the Weetos Troll pencil toppers reign supreme. Bonus points to be had at school for showing your friends the hole in the bottom of the Troll and going “Look, it’s got a fanny!” Be warned, though – Mr Patterson will then confiscate your pencil topper.
7. Gladiators Metallic Action Cards
ACTION! JET! CARDS! JET! GLADIATORS! JET! What more could you want? If you were a 12 year old boy, nothing. I wasn’t a 12 year old boy, but I still had plenty of fun ingesting millions of calories so I could get action cards of my favourite bodybuilders.
I’ve just read that back and it sounds really preachy. It wasn’t meant to, but going back and changing it would require actual work, which, unlike the Gladiators, I am not cut out for.
Let’s face it, I bet most of the cards were JET.
As you can see, the only advert I could find for these was in Spanish, to promote the movie Looney Tunes: Back In Action, so I translated the blurb from the back of a Frosties box with the help of my trusty friend Google:
“Turn your Champagne Popper upside down, then watch it turn around, explode and fly! You can bounce it from your desk or finger: Try your own technology and see how high your explosion!”
Anyway, these were the pinnacle of “stop that or you’ll have someone’s eye out”. We wouldn’t have such dangerous and awesome fun with a bit of rubber again until we were 16.
How to use: Put popper on a table near your enemy. Push in. RUN AWAY. Popper flies into the air like a mighty beast, and decapitates your enemy. Your enemy never steals your red felt tip ever again.
Reality: Put on table. Push in. RUN AWAY. Popper flips up about an inch.
9. Weetabix Doctor Who Figures
Imagine not just getting a prize in your cereal, but three prizes, and then some other prizes. This is why everything was better before I became middle aged.
Has anyone ever noticed you can sing lyrics to the Doctor Who theme tune?
“Doctor Who, Doctor Who,See him go, over there…See him fly, through the air,You’re thinking of Superman…You’re a div…”
10. Tony The Tiger’s Super Secret Diary
Unfortunately, this is so secret I couldn’t find an advert for it. But that just makes it more myserious and therefore better. These scans are courtesy of the good nerds at Cereal Offers.
Tony The Tiger’s Super Secret Diary for 1987 will – and I quote – fill your year with FUN. This FUN takes the form of some jokes, and probably a wordsearch. Mostly, I think you’re supposed to write all your secrets in there. If you don’t have any secrets, here are some secrets to start you off:
– Ben Richardson smells of poo, why do I have to sit next to him.
– Samantha said “piss” last night but I don’t think Mum heard her.
– I would like to marry Cobra from Gladiators, and hold his hand.
Please note that this diary was apparently a send away offer, meaning it didn’t even fall out of your cereal. That’s not FUN.
It’s a pity you don’t get prizes in grown up cereal, like whiskey miniatures and cars.