If you’ve already got the poster, the badges, the limited edition DVD boxset with free bookends, and a wardrobe full of T-shirts, what else can you do to show your devotion to your chosen fandom? Outside of Game Of Thrones and Harry Potter, your choices for fan merchandise might be limited – try finding official merch for Manos: The Hands Of Fate or The Mangler, for instance (don’t bother; we already tried – you can’t).
Where movie marketing departments are letting you down, those touched by the craft gods with the skill of sewing, casting, knitting or drawing can make you something precious to honour the film and TV characters you love beyond all others, no matter how niche. Here are some treasures currently available on Etsy from those generous enough to share their gifts with the rest of us – if you’re seeking some old-school Jurassic style, heroic costuming for a beloved pet, or the means to wage war (against hay fever) like your favourite zombie survivalist hero, search no longer…
Walking Dead fans – the Rick Grimes Tissue Box
For fans of the TV show incarnation, here Andrew Lincoln’s sweaty/hairy portrayal of Sheriff Rick Grimes is showcased using the power of cross stitch. With pollen counts heading towards a high over the summer, this handy box of tissues might help with snotty noses and itchy eyes. Though, if a friend called Carol asks you to “just look at the flowers, Lizzie” at any point, hay fever might be the least of your problems.
Batman villain fans – the Bane-Inspired Cyber Raver Cosplay Mask
Something special for Batfan cosplayers who have trouble with standing out amongst the crowd and making themselves heard. Get ready to break some Batmen with this fancy, yet utilitarian, Bane mask. Made from the finest Kandi beading, you’ll not only look the part, but sound it, too. The muffled speech you emit as you struggle to spit words around the beads will intimidate fellow Gothamites all around you. “THHAA FYARR RYSSCHHEZ” – no one will be able to understand a thing you’re saying, and what’s more authentically Dark-Knight-Rises-Bane than that.
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Schwarzenegger and mammary-triad fans – the Total Recall Beer Sweater
So your Nanna persists with knitting you poorly-fitting jumpers every time your birthday comes around, but refuses to rustle up something triple-breasted woman from Total Recall themed for you. Be downhearted no more, and get this grossly-inappropriate-for-family-barbeques beer sweater. In the words of Mary the mutant herself, “it’s not free but it’s available, Earth Slime. Eheheheheheh”.
Jaws fans – the Farewell and Adieu Card
The perfect way to say ‘goodbye for now‘ to someone you care about, even if you aren’t an old seafaring soak who smells like mackerel. Bid farewell and adieu to your fair lady of Spain, or Richard Dreyfuss, with this Bartholomew M. Quint themed card. 9 out of 10 Jaws fans would find this a nicer surprise than an ‘ARGH! Ben Gardner’s head!!!’ jump-scare.
Cast Away fans – Chuck Noland and Wilson Art Dolls
For those who really liked the, well, cast away part of Cast Away but weren’t too keen on the FedEx and Helen Hunt parts of the film, now you can get your very own Chuck and Wilson to torment on your own time. Throw them in the bath, desert them in a sand pit, yell ‘WILSON! WILSON!! WILSON!” to your heart’s content – these are too small, and too made of wood, to escape.
Jurassic Park fans – the Dr. Ian Malcolm Pocket
The essence of chaos must surely be the existence of this shirt pocket, featuring the now-iconic, highly-thought-of, shirt-open Jeff Goldblum scene from the original Jurassic Park. Forget about Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard in Jurassic World, we had already had perfection in 1993, and his name was Dr. Ian Malcolm. Show your love for the original film by wearing the charismatic Chaotician’s chest on your chest.
Rodent Avengers fans – the Captain America Costume for Hamsters
Maybe your hamster roommate Charles the Furrst has always dreamed of finding the perfect costume for Comic Con, but year after year is left disappointed, stuck with going as Fizzgig from The Dark Crystal again. Light up his little shiny eyes with the Captain America costume for hamsters – roomy, airy, accurate to the original, this outfit will make him the envy of all in Hall H. Even Kandi-bead Bane will exclaim “Ghhhjsihiohgjnfginh!” in amazement.
One thing to note – this shield is made of felt. Black Panther is funny about Vibranium being taken out of Wakanda these days, even for the cute and be-furred.
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Human Avengers fans – Iron Man Fingerless Crochet Repulsors
Accompanying your Captain Americ-amster friend to the con and not having anything to wear need no longer be a problem…if you can follow a crochet pattern. Will these arm warmers shoot bursts of energy to disable enemies and give you the power of flight? Only if you can knit such things from wool.
The Exorcist fans – Regan and Father Damien Karras Character Magnets
A common situation: you like Pazuzu and you don’t know what to grab from the freezer for tea. Get these magnets up on your white goods and you’ll be craving pea soup and religious absolution for dinner night after night. Delicious. We don’t know what wine would go with that.
Back To The Future fans – the BTTF Sampler
You don’t have to be able to cross stitch at 88 miles per hour to show your devotion to Doc Brown and Marty McFly, because this sampler comes ready-made for hanging above fireplaces, plug-in radiators, or even DeLorean DMC-12s. It’ll do nicely until Hoverboards are readily available.
Mad Max fans – Fury Road Nux Amigurumi
So shiny, so chrome, so soft wool. This amigurumi War Boy comes with both deadly tumours Larry and Barry – witness him, hug him, kiss him. Knitted Nux “feels like hope”… and he’s cheaper than a V8 Interceptor.
Evil Dead fans – ED 2 Statement Necklace
Wearing the Necronomican and Deadite Ash around your neck takes a very brave person, and if you survived watching Evil Deads 1, 2, and Army Of Darkness, you’re a brave person indeed. For those who’re okay with potential dates sneaking a peek at your chest-area and screaming.
Columbo fans – Books For Your Dollhouse
You couldn’t afford a mini TV for your dollhouse, but you want to share the magic of series 1 Columbo with your miniature doll tenants (two of whom may be art dolls Chuck Noland and Wilson). Finally, a solution – go Neo-Luddite and give them these tiny Columbo books to read. Soon you’ll have lots to talk about over miniature candle-lit dinner parties. “Did you think the killer would get away with it?”; “Could you get us more books, all our books are about Columbo”; and “Why are you having a conversation with me, human – I’m an inanimate Sylvanian Families rabbit figurine”, etc.
And finally, it’s not too early to start preparing for the festive season, or to get rocked with the shell-shocked pizza kings. Celebrate the birth of Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo alongside that of Baby Jesus this Christmas; it’s not blasphemous when Christmas decorations are this heroic and green.
