10 Comic Book Characters Who Should Never Make It To Film
Beneath Iron Man, The Dark Knight and The Incredible Hulk is a collection of potential comic book films we never want to see - Dogwelder, anyone?
Comic book heroes are big business these days, since the studios started taking them seriously and getting the movies made properly. But there are some from comic lore that they should really be avoided, even though I know that some of these are already in pre-production.
Wonder Women:This was so camp and funny as a 70s TV show, but I have huge reservations about the character now. Her powers are matching bulletproof bracelets and a lasso that makes people tell the truth. What? Okay, I accept that in the early comics she had the powers of the ancient gods, but presumably no costume making ability whatsoever. If they succeed in filming this it could actually be worse than the horrendous Catwoman.
The Green LanternAnother DC character that needs to be avoided at all cost. He’s got a ring that can do almost anything including time travel, invisibility, flight and telepathy, among a zillion other things. But he’s powerless against anything yellow, eh? So you can threaten him with a banana or a lemon? So he’s stupidly overpowered but rather obviously circumvented by anyone colour coordinated. How frickin useless is that?
Arm-Fall-Off-BoyNo kidding? This unique hero turned up in a try-out for the Legion of Super-Heroes, with his amazing power that his arms came off…which he then used to create blunt force trauma. He also went by the name of The Splitter, which is moderately less dumb than Arm-Fall-Off-Boy! Legion of Super-Heroes didn’t let him in, despite offering places in their moronic ranks to equally stupid heroes such as Bouncing Boy and Matter Eater Lad. I’m not excited by the prospect of any of them coming to the big screen, unless it’s to take the piss out of them.
ThorMarvel isn’t perfect either, and Thor proves it. He’s a god, borrowed from Norse legend, who travels by throwing his hammer, to which he’s attached. Please! Why they needed to put mythical gods in comics was lost on me anyway, but with a winged helmet he looks like a silly hood ornament. No, I wouldn’t be looking forward to that movie…ever.
She-HulkWhy? The new Hulk movie looks okay, and I can even handle the Ang Lee one until it gets weird at the end, but She-Hulk? No. I don’t like women with bigger pectorals than me, and it’s a stupid name, character and idea. Stop it now!
DogwelderIf you thought you’d seen powers, you’ve seen nothing until you experienced the hero that is Dogwelder! Part of the crime fighting team Section Eight, he rarely speaks, but with his welder’s mask firmly in place he attaches (welds…actually) dead dogs to the faces of evil doers. No you didn’t misread that, he spot welds dead dogs to people. He does this so they’re easier to recognise next time they meet, I assume. Actually I take it back – this is a movie I want to see so badly. Please Hollywood, bring on the Dogwelder, and let the sparks fly!
The Legion of the SuperpetsDC really lost the plot in late fifties, and one of their most amazing ideas was Legion of the Superpets! Animals with Super-pet powers and red ‘super’ capes to match, how could it fail? Krypto the Superdog, Beppo the Supermonkey, Streaky the Supercat, and… Comet the Superhorse! Yay! Or is that nay? My personal favourite was Comet, who’d become human once a year and date Supergirl. And most disturbingly I didn’t make that bit up. DC at it’s most bestial. If anyone tries to greenlight this project they should be checked for controlled substance abuse pronto.
Animal-Vegetable-Mineral ManIs this a quiz or a superhero? To be honest he’s a super villain, but he’s so dumb he deserves his fifteen seconds of fame. He appeared in a comic called Doom Patrol in the sixties, and got his powers from being dipped in those exceptionally dangerous chemicals – amino acids. He can be anything, sometimes multiple things at once, a bit like The Thing…but more colourful and Swedish.
Captain BoomerangCan you guess his power? If you said ‘he throws boomerangs’ then you’ve just undermined his dramatic first film appearance. I can’t see this being made thankfully, because he’s an unpleasant racist character, described as “a jerk and a screw-up.” by his ‘friends’ in his own Suicide Squad comics. He’s so admired by his super team members they drop him onto a deserted island, never to be seen again. Exactly the fate I have planned for any movie exec that comes up this franchise plan.
The Red BeeThis character is comedy gold, that needs to be left buried. He fought gangsters and Nazis in the 40sin a fetching pink and red outfit. Devoid of any actual powers, he did have a ‘stinger gun’ and…wait for it…trained bees! These he kept cunningly concealed in his belt buckle. His favourite bee (no, I’ve not been to the pub…yet) was called Michael, but I’m not sure if he named them all. Michael’s little secret was that he must have been a transsexual bee, because as everyone knows male bees can’t sting only females. The buzz about this one is that it’s on the backburner after Bee Movie’s box office numbers came in.
The ones that didn’t make the cut…
Siryn: Woman that screams her enemies to death just like Naomi Campbell.Vibe: Spanish break-dancing superhero that had ‘shockwave’ power and a full wardrobe of Italian suits.The Absorbing Man: Turns into everything his touches, which must make going to the loo a nightmare.Infectious Lass: Makes everyone ill…she’s a laugh a minute.The Black Racer: Death is a downhill skier…apparentlySuperPro: He’s an American football player who hurts his knee, amazingly.Green Arrow: He fires arrows…usually green ones.Reverse Flash: Same as the Flash, but bad.Belle of the Ball: A girl who can control balls, no less. Can’t think of anything funny to top that!The Four Marys: No explanation does this comic quartet justice, just accept that.The Whizzer: Not what you think, at all.Gale Alien and the Girl Squadron: They all wear stiletto shoes on Jupiter, as you do.Spurt Hammond: Worst comic character name ever, bar none!Prez First Teen President: We all need political heroes…they keep telling us.Fatman The Human Flying Saucer: Don’t ask, please.
Leave your own suggestions in the comments field!