“The only thing that gets between Chuck Norris and justice is an equal sign.”
“Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land.”
“Before Leo Tolstoy met Chuck Norris, his book was called ‘Peace’.”
“The eternal conundrum ‘what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object’ was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.”
Cast your memory back to 1999, when it was quite the height of wit and cool to address a friend by yelling ‘Wassssuuuuuuup!’ and sticking out your tongue. Hilarious, briefly, and then old and indescribably irritating after the seven thousandth idiot yelled it right in your ear, in public.
Then, through an unspoken understanding of social etiquette, everyone simultaneously agrees the joke is now just a little old and commits there and then to a silent vow to generally pack it in. This always happens, and restores faith in human nature.
Then, usually in front of that girl/boy who, from that moment forever onwards, thought you were a bit of a dick, someone does it when the joke is so old it’s past parody. There is always someone a bit slower on the uptake than the rest, and the result is an awkward moment, embarrassing for all.
The same goes for any of these short-lived ‘crazes’, from your Crazy Frogs, Little Britains, Mighty Booshes and Compare the Meerkats. Any catchphrase, joke or funny little noise that, only days ago, was the pinnacle in wit, now makes someone look tragically behind the times.
If you are heard shouting “I’m the only gay in the village'” or “I’m Old Gregg” in the street now, it is roughly as socially catastrophic as signing the sex offender’s register, and yet, there are those out there who simply aren’t aware of this.
The Chuck Norris Fact craze started back in 2005, and anyone who isn’t quite sick of it yet is one of these people. It had charm back in the day, like a good Stig-fact, and the Chuck Norris Fact website founder, Ian Spector, collected some of his favourites and put out a book, which then became a bestseller.
Following this up with Chuck Norris Vs Mr T seemed obvious, but apt. Sales were good, and Mr Spector made enough to fund his college studies, graduating last year with a degree in Cognitive Neuroscience. And fair play to him, he made a few bones and used them wisely, and that should have been that. Only now, there is a new book: Chuck Norris Cannot Be Stopped.
This third book in the series is simply more of the same. That is, 400 ‘facts’ about Chuck Norris. It will take you around 15 minutes to read from cover to cover, will perhaps raise a couple of titters and it will then be put on a shelf, never to be glanced at again. There are illustrations, but so what? All the facts are already on the Internet, so why would anyone pay for them?
By reading the four quotes at the top of the screen the need for you to buy this book has already decreased by one percent. It would potentially make a good stocking filler, but it’s not Christmas.
So, who would buy it, or who to buy it for? Simon Amstell probably summed it up best when he was discussing a Peter Kay DVD on Never Mind the Buzzcocks: “I bought it for someone really thick, who I hate.”
But, then again, no one was expecting a Pulitzer winner, were they?
Chuck Norris Cannot Be Stopped is out now and available from the Den Of Geek Store.