Things to be wary of when your other half is a zombie

Dating is rubbish. Officially. Whether you’re going out with someone your best friend reckons would be just perfect for you or meeting up with someone you met online, dating is a bit rubbish. You have to worry about getting stood up, worry about getting broccoli in your teeth, and worry about whether your date will rip your face off.

Okay, okay, so that last one isn’t exactly normal. Actually, if your date does try to rip your face off, you might want to reconsider dating them. But a couple of movies lately have positioned zombies as perfectly viable romantic prospects, so if you are considering it, or if you’ve just got your suspicions about the pallor of your date’s skin and the fact that their eyes don’t quite seem to react properly to light, here are some things you might want to consider…

First date

When dating one of the undead, your choice of venue is crucial. It’s probably not wise to pick a completely enclosed space, especially not one where there’ll be a lot of other people around. Go for something more outdoorsy, like a picnic in the park. If you know your date is definitely a zombie, it’s a good venue because it’ll mean they won’t get too distracted by the smell of other people’s tasty brains. Find somewhere relatively easy to get to for your date, since they probably can’t move very fast – but make sure you know where all the exits are, in case you need to make a quick getaway.

If you’re going on this date not completely sure about whether your date is undead or just, like, a bit tired, picking an outdoor venue is also a good idea because you can check out their skin in natural light. If they’re just a bit grey under the eyes, they might just have come off a tough shift at work. If it’s actively decaying, they’re more likely to be one of the living dead.

Sexy times

Assuming your first date goes well, and you’re planning to go on future dates with your possible-zombie more-than-friend, you might want to start considering safe sex.

Obviously, if you’re having sex with anyone, you should do your utmost to stay safe in whatever the most appropriate way for you is. But with one of the walking dead, you’ll have some other concerns to keep in mind. Like, do you really want to get that close to their teeth? Are you sure they won’t decide to take a chunk out of your warm, tender, oh-so-alive flesh? You might wanna think about getting a muzzle.

Also, you should probably be careful where you put your mouth on them. The taste of rotting flesh can really sour the mood, and there’s a very real chance of infection if you get their blood in your mouth, or eyes, or…

You know what, the idea of having sex with a zombie is kind of disturbing. Maybe just don’t do it. Holding hands is a perfectly satisfactory way of showing your affection.

Moving in together

Let’s say things are really working out between you and your zombified beloved. It’s possible, even, that you two were dating before they got turned into a soulless flesh eating ghoul, and you want to continue the relationship. At some point, you’ll probably consider cohabiting. (Rent is really expensive, after all). There are some things you’re going to want to consider before making that leap…

Firstly, is your home zombie-friendly? If it’s a fifth floor flat, probably not – zombies tend to struggle with stairs. (On the plus side, that flat might be a really good choice if the dead are still rising.) Does it have plenty of windows, and can air circulate freely? You’re probably going to want to keep your shared home well ventilated.

And are there locks on the doors? You’ll want some pretty solid doors, ideally with big strong locks on them, in case your beloved gets a bit… er… scary. It’s probably a good idea to keep some kind of restraints around, too. Pass it off as being kinky or whatever, but really, this is just about staying safe. You probably want to know they’re not prowling around when you’re asleep, after all.

Does your relationship have a future?

Let’s just be upfront about this: no, it doesn’t. Definitely not. You probably haven’t even got more than a couple of weeks before they either eat you or become too badly decayed to go out any more. It might hurt, but this is a bandage best ripped off fast. By which I mean: if you’re definitely sure your beloved is a slavering zombie, shoot them in the head. It’s for the best.

Life After Beth arrives in UK cinemas on October 1st.

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