Ah, VD. By which I mean Valentine’s Day (although considering how frequently Nicky and Big Boo have been getting laid I am surprised Litchfield isn’t in the midst of a chlamydia epidemic). The episode is punctuated by interviews in which the characters describe what love means, for them. Piper had been conducting the interviews, ostensibly for her prison newsletter.
The newsletter is just a front; during his visit, Piper refuses to help Larry further his career as a journalist by being his mole inside of Litchfield. In a great parting shot, Piper calls Larry the moon. All he can do is reflect the light of other people. OUCH. Larry wants her things out of their apartment. Piper tells him to pack everything up and take it to Polly’s place. I am going to go out on a limb here and guess their relationship is almost completely kaput.
Anywho. About the newsletter. Piper figures Larry be damned; she is in the perfect position to do a little investigative journalism on behalf of the inmates. After all, who else knows how badly Litchfield is falling apart than the prisoners? I mean, besides the administration.
Love, for most of the women at Litchfield, has taken a tragic turn at some point in their lives. Poussey is no exception. This episode shows her life as a military brat, following her father all over the world. Sure, this seems like a lonely, rootless existence but at least she gets to see other countries and dress in something other than a shapeless gray sweatshirt. Plus she gets to bone the locals. While in Germany she fell in love with the daughter of a high ranking German officer. They try scissoring (Google it), but it doesn’t work out as well for her as it did for Mrs. Garrison in South Park (episode “D-Yikes”).
The German girl’s vater is not pleased and breaks the girls up. Poussey decides to do something incredibly stupid in return (like pulling a gun and threatening said German officer), but her father intervenes. He has been re-stationed which means they will be leaving the country. The German officer offers to have Poussey put in a program that can ‘change her’, but her father says his daughter is just fine.
Back at Litchfield, Vee is working hard to drive a wedge between Taystee and Poussey by pointing out to her adopted daughter that Poussey wants more than friendship. She takes Taystee out of the library and starts edging the non-compliant Poussey out of their clique.
The kitchen staff make heart shaped cookies (and a penis cookie which CO Fischer chokes down). Bennett and Daya try to connect, faking a conversation about their evening plans, but Daya’s hormones kick in and she throws a fit about the relationship. Adding to their frustration is the fact that the other inmates know Bennett is the father and have no problem blackmailing him into smuggling contraband into Litchfield.
Caputo finally gets the courage to invite Fischer out to see his band. Unfortunately she shows up with the inept dude from the electrical shop, Joel, and two other guards. Caputo is bummed that their “date” has been ruined.
While the rest of the staff are watching Side Boob, Healy and Bennett are on the graveyard shift, monitoring the inmate’s VD party. Bennett has a quickie with Daya (on Caputo’s desk), and Healy retreats to the front desk to leave a sappy (and pathetic) message on his wife’s voicemail. While their backs are turned, Jimmy (captain dementia) wanders out of the prison and into the bar where Caputo is playing.
Again, I have to take issue with the convenience of the writing here; but the look on Caputo’s face when he peeped one of his inmates walking into the bar, was well worth the heavy handed timing.