Wipe the Chocolate Salty Balls off your face (AGAIN. Geez…) and get ready for the final matchups of round two of Den of Geek’s South Park Madness Tournament! Chris Longo, Nick Harley, Tony Sokol and guest contributor Trent Brennan decide which episodes will move on to the Sweet Sixteen and the losers that will join Satan and Saddam in hell. (And no, they don’t get a cute condo or A/C)
Earlier in this round:
So, we continue… FIGHT!
Stark’s Pond Region
 Crème Fraiche vs.  Sarcastaball
Chris Longo: Do I think there are people in this world that can actually get off to Guy Fieri or Paula Deen? Yes, yes I do. The buttered, lard-based molten crap they put on Food Network gets “foodies,” or people way too into food, all moist and while that is something I never want to see in real life, I could not think of a better South Park character to parody it. I can watch Randy Marsh deglaze all day. Crème Fraiche.
Nick Harley: I loved South Park’s take on the increasingly precautious NFL. If you’ve been following the rule changes, it seems like Sarcastaball could be a real thing here soon. As good as an episode as it may be, Crème Fraiche is minefield of jokes. The Shake Weight simulating the male libido and “old fashions” is so clever, but the crowning moment comes when the Shake Weight deposits cab fare. Really classy, Shake Weight.
Trent Brennan: Let me go on record by saying that some of my favorite episodes involve Randy and his antics. Since he gets plenty of face time in both of these episodes, my choice comes down to Sarcastiball being kind of a let down. The sissy version of football that is slowly becoming the NFL had so much potential and while it is still a decent episode, it could lacked the intangible brilliance that the elite South Park episodes posses. I mean, how could an episode that has a Shake-Weight exploding man juice on Sharon not win? Crème Fraiche.
 Fishsticks vs.  W.T.F.
CL: The Fishsticks joke needs to be updated to reflect the glory that is McDonald’s Fish McBites. The latest Mickey D’s experiment has underwhelmed in the sales department but if I had to put money on anyone being a fan of Fish McBites, it would be Kanye West. Odds are, Carlos Mencia is working at McDonald’s now anyway. Fishsticks.
NH: As adapt as South Park may be at skewering sports, Fishsticks wins this match. Not only does the episode destroy Kanye West, but they also get some good digs in at hack comedian Carlos Mencia. Known as a joke thief, Mencia tries to claim the fishsticks joke as his own, only to have his head smashed to bits by ‘Ye. If you ever had the misfortune of watching is show, you may have had the same impulse.
TB: For me, this match up was a no brainer. To be honest, I couldn’t even remember anything special about the W.T.F episode. I just knew that there was a wrestling episode that was so-so and if I had to rank it, it probably wouldn’t even make the top fifty. On the other hand, Fish Sticks not only gave the world the greatest joke of all-time, it also turned Kanye into a literal gay fish. The ending song alone makes me laugh harder than the entire W.T.F episode does. Fishsticks.
 You’re Getting Old vs.  Medicinal Fried Chicken
CL: I personally think techno music sounds like shit, but who am I to judge people’s taste in music. That’s the point South Park tries to make in You’re Getting Old. The episode resonates with the younger crowd who wants to listen to music their way and the older crowd insisting that the tunes of yesterday are real music and therefore better. The middle ground is we get to hear Bob Dylan shitting into a microphone and the tween wave garbage ripped a new one. Steamy Ray Vaughn for the win. You’re Getting Old.
NH: As much as I love the cynical, downbeat ending of You’re Getting Old, Medicinal Fried Chicken can bring the laughs without being a downer. Watching Cartman cut up lines of chicken skin like Scarface is hilarious and totally true to his character. Oh, and Randy puts his balls in the microwave to score weed. Easy choice.
TB: Like I mentioned in the other matchup, I’m a sucker for the Randy episodes. That being said, I’m also a huge fan of Fleetwood Mac…and Jameson so you can see my dilemma. It is a tough call but I’m going to have to go with Medical Fried Chicken because nobody uses their balls as Hippity-Hops in You’re Getting Old. Plus, the whole Cartman/KFC cartel is pretty f*cking genius.
 Broadway Bro Down vs.  Butterballs
CL: Even with the “Make Bullying Kill Itself” video and Butters’ grandma no better than the assholes who took my lunch money in 4th grade, Butterballs’ Cinderella run is going to come up short. Someday I’ll go to San Diego and take a load off but the underrated Butterballs is no match for the Bros. Spider-Man works in mysterious ways, I guess. Broadway Bro Down.
NH: Both of these episodes are incredibly smart commentaries, but watching Randy bro down with musical theater’s greats in the Hooters parking lot is just a completely different level of awesome. Broadway Bro Down.
TB: As I’m writing this, I still can’t decide if I’m making the right choice but the thing that won me over on Brodown is the vegan who wears the life jacket. If you don’t crack up when you see that kid, then I don’t know what is wrong with you. However, Butterballs shouldn’t be written off as a dud. The “Make Bullying Kill Itself” video is a must-see for all South Park diehards and Butters getting smacked around by his Grandma doesn’t hurt the episode either. Broadway Bro Down wins this one by a nose.
The Lemmiwinks Region
 Cartman’s Mom is a Dirty Slut vs.  Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride
Chris Longo: “Football is like making love to a really beautiful woman. You can’t always score but when you do it makes all the try worthwhile.” – Chef. “We treat star athletes better because they are better people” – Mr. Garrison. Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride.
Nick Harley: Cartman’s Mom is a Dirty Slut was Matt and Trey’s first attempt at telling a multiple episode story, and even though Big Gay Al foreshadowed television’s increasing tolerance of the LGBT community, the Cartman’s Mom story foreshadows the kind of storytellers that Matt and Trey will become, the Emmy and Tony winning powerhouses of comedy.
Tony Sokol: There are people, today, who are still angry about the Terence and Philip interruption that happened when Cartman’s Mom is a Dirty Slut. Not me, I thought it was genius. Polly Prissypants, that I am, I’m more concerned that Cartman never went looking for his mother, after he found out that Liane, hermaphrodite that she was, was his father. Actually we find out later that it’s Scott Tenorman’s father. Trey Parker named Cartman’s mom Liane after a fiancé who he caught with another guy. But I’m going to choose Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride because I prefer George Clooney, who plays Stan’s dog, over Jay Leno, who plays Cartman’s cat. This isn’t a big beating, like Rodney King, more like not being able to hit the high note in Loving You. But Boat Ride was nominated for a GLAAD award, it didn’t win, but neither did the Middle Park team.
 Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo vs. Chinpoko Mon
CL: He left office with the highest approval rating of any president since the end of World War II. Some point to his overseeing of the longest period of postwar economic expansion in America’s history while others champion his humanitarian actions as the reason for Bill Clinton’s successful run as president. Either way, Slick Willy made his best South Park appearance in Chinpoko Mon as he used his smooth Arkansas drawl to deal with the sly Japanese. I have to think Clinton’s head would make the South Park Mt. Rushmore. Chinpoko Mon.
NH: Though it pains me to root against Mr. Hankey, I’ll just calm him down by having the Japanese characters from Chinpoko Mon tell him how much bigger of a penis he has then them. That should make the little fecal friend feel better.
TS: Hidey Ho. Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo makes me happier than The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000. But I don’t want people to think I’m a fecal-philiac who’s obsessed with mookie stinks. I wanted all Chinpokomon so I could become World Crown Chinpoko-Master, but Garrison-san said it was super toy number one and I lost interest. After it gave me a supercool seizure though.
 World Wide Recorder Concert vs.  The Wacky Molestation Adventure
CL: The ‘but everyone else is doing it’ defense never got me anywhere as a child so I have to give it up to Kyle and the boys trying to find an alternate way to go the Raging Pussies Concert. Locking up all the parents in South Park, creating your own children-run civilization and bringing democracy to Cuba gets The Wacky Molestation Adventure to the sweet sixteen in a landslide victory.
NH: The Lord of the Flies and Children of the Corn references are enough to make me pick the upset, The Wacky Molestation Adventure. The way the boy’s worship the John Elway statue is priceless, and the fact that they offer the statue Butters as a sacrifice just makes it funnier.
TS: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes dude. They get off on it. If you find yourself lost in Treasure Cove and you need to get back to Smiley Town, remember that John Elway can save you at carousel. If you have to participate in a World Wide Recorder Concert, remember you can always find comfort with Kenny G. If a killer put a knife to your throat and say, `Have sex with your father or else I’m gonna kill your mother while having sex with you,’ have sex with yourself. I’d rather have a Wacky Molestation Adventure.
 Pinkeye vs.  Cartman Joins NAMBLA
CL: Never confuse the North American Marlon Brando Look-a-like Association with the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Cartman Joins NAMBLA.
NH: Pinkeye is a great early episode, but Cartman Joins NAMBLA is equal parts hilarious and cringe-worthy. Sexual molestation of young boys rarely is a laughing matter, but somehow, Matt and Trey can get us cracking up. The two creators have the uncanny gift to make even the most uncomfortable of subjects a laughing matter. The episode even preaches the message of internet safety 12 years before shows like Catfish graced the air.
TS: Cartman Joins NAMBLA is more fun than a ride on the John Denver Experience and more intoxicating than a mix of vodka and morning after pills. BUT and that’s a big but, Pinkeye is contagious and won’t go away with a topical cream.