Act your age, not your channel number

BBC Four has an uncanny ability to show kids' TV under the guise of cultural history. Why don't they just go the whole hog and have a revamp?

Myleene Klass

BBC Four always show kids’ TV for no particular reason; now they’re having an entire season of it. Why not just have a revamp, whilst keeping that intellectual edge?

7pm World News WacadayNews from a wacky international perspective. Timmy Mallett reports from the frontline in Basra. Viewers of a sensitive nature may wish to look away as he and Magic are caught in Sunni-Shia crossfire. Utterly brilliant!

7.20pm StonyfacedvisionThe Chuckle Brothers try and dispel the inaccurate urban myth that they are actually father and son by frantically pointing at their actual father and repeatedly shouting at the camera ‘the clue’s in our f**king name, you bunch of f**king f**knuggets’.

7.30pm Strictly Boogie BeebiesHaving scored full marks from all judges during the Airport Boogie last week, Boogie Pete and his dance partner Anton Du Beke face a more challenging time during the Bug-A-Lug.

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8pm Balamory BlueMiddlebrow police spin-off. Recently promoted DCI Josie Jump investigates a case of domestic abuse at Archie’s castle, but is all what it seems? Meanwhile, PC Plum wakes up in bed with that big-faced one in a wheelchair off of Balamory that looks like Michelle from Big Brother 5 in an ill-conceived programme crossover.

9pm Hitler in the HouseJK and Joel present as two kids try and hide the eponymous genocidal maniac in their house from Dad. Can they prevent Adolf from annexing the bathroom and walk away with some really ace prizes?9.30pm Thirty Years OlderNicky Hambleton-Jones tries to make Michaela Strachan look more like her actual age with injections of spite and regret. Dietician Keith Miller is also on hand to dispense some valuable oxidant advice.10pm F*** Off, I’m A Hideous Half-Boy Half-Aardvark ‘Thing’Confrontational documentary. Hideous half-boy half-aardvark ‘thing’ Arthur tries to find solace in a world where everyone acts like normal human beings, when they’re actually anthropomorphized hellbeasts that obviously only exist because people are hard to draw.10.30pm In the Newsnight GardenWith BAe facing growing criticism over the financial viability of the Ninky Nonk II, Jeremy Paxman asks: could Wakka Pakka’s inability to count over five be the problem?

11.20pm Mark Lawson Meets…Tracy BeakerInterview series. The curly-haired orphan explains why her parents couldn’t stand to keep the screeching girlchild any longer, and why it’s quite obviously not their fault she’s in a foster home, given what an awful, awful, awful person she is. Hopefully features lots of footage of her crying.

Midnight-1am BBC Four Bedtime Hour: Muffing the MuleAttempt to capture the late night wanking audience, using the cheapest kid’s TV joke known to man. Followed by Jackoffanory: Myleene Klass holds up pages from Maxim’s Little Black Book.