Like a good boy scout, any survivor of the zombie apocalypse knows to always be prepared! But some contingencies are harder to plan for than others…like medical emergencies. Den of Geek has carefully calculated the odds, considered the collapse of society vs. the current cost of health care, and come up with a list of medical procedures which will help increase your odds of living another day to dodge zombies.
10. Allergy Testing
Are you allergic to peanuts? What about gluten? These are things you want to find out now, not when you are swelling up from anaphylactic shock or crapping your pants after scarfing down some delicious Jiff peanut butter and stale Ritz crackers – two foods that travel well and have a decent shelf life. Sure, you could try to survive on Twinkies and Snowballs, but what if you are diabetic? Make an appointment with your allergist and get the comprehensive needle stick test. And have them test you for asthma too. You’ll want to keep an inhaler handy in the event of fast zombies!
Go. Get them all. Who cares if they make you autistic? Do you really want to be stricken with the chicken pox, measles, mumps, or god forbid – small pox during the zombie apocalypse? Hell no! Heck, a bad case of rubella can lay you up for weeks with fever, joint pains, and conjunctivitis. How can you see to fight the zombies if you have goop in your eyes? You can’t. Most vaccines are covered by even a basic health insurance plan. And while no one likes to get jabbed by a bunch of needles, or to get sick from whatever questionable live virus/egg protein combo is in there, it is better than losing the use of your legs (thank you polio) – you need those for running!
8. Knee Replacements (recommended for seniors)
Speaking of running, how fast are you? Remember, you only need to be faster than the guy behind you. This generally poses a problem for the AARP set. Running, jumping, climbing, and kicking are all a younger man’s game. Most seniors enjoy knitting, sitting, and ordering crap off of the home shoppers network. Their joints are old and degraded, and while that cane/walker might be useful it won’t take long for the zombies to surround you. Get your knee replacements now! New advances in surgery make the procedure super easy and recovery lightning fast. Heck, most recipients are up on their feet and kicking kids off their lawn within 24 hours!
7. Flu Shot
Yes, yes, I know you hate needles and insist that the flu shot makes you sick. Yes, the effects are limited to the flu virus the CDC deems most worthy that season. But why take the chance? The first year of the zombie apocalypse is going to be crucial for survival. When you are cowering down in a broom closet, hoping the half dozen zombies shambling around the room outside won’t notice you, it is not the time to come down with a sneezing fit. How can you keep up with the rest of the survivors when you are feverish, coughing, and shaking with the chills? You cannot depend on the kindness of others to help you survive and if you aren’t careful, that old guy with the new knees will run off in the hopes that your loud sniffling will distract the zombies long enough for him to get away!
6. Wisdom Teeth Removed
We all saw Cast Away. Poor Tom Hanks, all alone with his infected tooth. This is a good time to emphasize the necessity of proper dental care, even in the midst of societal collapse. There will be plenty of floss available. Use it. Unfortunately there is just no way to anticipate a cavity or infected chomper, and who knows if one of the survivalists in your group is going to be a dental hygienist? However, it is possible to have four potential problems yanked out of your mouth forever! Get your wisdom teeth pulled and you will never have to try and fight off a shambler while holding the side of your aching face.
We all saw Stephen King’s made for TV miniseries, The Stand. Poor whats-his-name and his burst appendix. Why don’t we remember the character’s name? Because he died immediately; even as Gary Sinise and Molly Ringwald tried to read their way through an appendectomy. You do not want surgery after a societal collapse, trust me. Not everyone needs to have their appendix removed. But once you get appendicitis that benign little vestigial structure becomes a fleshy ticking time bomb. The pain will be terrible and without medical help a slow death is inevitable, unless your friends leave you and your incessant moaning behind as slow moving zombie bait. Get that sucker taken out now by a doctor and save yourself from having it chewed out by a shambler!
4. Tubal Ligation
Ladies. Get your tubes tied. There will be plenty of women stupid enough to stay fertile in the event of a zombie apocalypse. The repopulation of the planet does not depend on you. Let Lori take one for the team. That way you can still enjoy all the benefits of hot, sweaty, survivor sex without having to worry about 9 months of waddling away from zombies, and then the high and messy mortality of childbirth followed by years trying to keep a small child quiet so they don’t bring down a zombie hoard on your hideaway. That is a huge price to pay for one night of steamy tent passion with Shane (yes, SHANE).
3. Tetanus Shot
I know we covered vaccines already, but tetanus deserves its own blurb. What are zombies? Dirty, decaying corpses that spew pus and filth. What happens after social collapse? No one is running around with Windex and Purell, making our environment safe against germs, you can be sure of that. Anything could happen; we are talking an infection free for all. Go ahead step on a rusty nail after some zombie has been rubbing it all over his necrosis and see what happens! Tetanus. Much like appendicitis, your slow, agonizing death is pretty much assured. Only this time, as your limb starts to go gangrenous, you will start to go nuts. If you are lucky, someone in your group will hack off the offending appendage before that happens. But then what? Do you really want to be known amongst the zombie survivalists as Stumpy? It may have worked for Merle Dixon, but he was a weirdo redneck badass. Chances are, you will just be Stumpy.
2. Laser Eye Surgery
This seems silly, almost frivolous. Unless you wear glasses. Let me tell you, as a person with terrible eye sight, nothing strikes fear into my heart more than the thought of a future filled with zombies and bereft of saline, contact lens prescription refills, or optometrists. Trust me. If you need glasses to drive, you will need glasses to fight off zombies. Unfortunately, glasses are a potential (and highly breakable) handicap. Like so many suggestions on this list, laser eye surgery is minimally invasive and has a super quick recovery time. You won’t regret it, and the other survivors in your group who depend on your ability to watch their backs won’t either!
When are we most vulnerable to zombies? When we are sick and when we are sleeping. As a survivor you will not always be able to depend on others to watch over you. There may be times when you will be alone, and at some point you are going to need to sleep. Which is why you want to have a serious talk with your significant other and find out once and for all – do you snore? Nothing will attract a shambler to your slumbering, defenseless body faster than sawing a couple of logs. Not to worry! A quick and easy septoplasty will fix that deviated septum and you can rest easy at night, alone in the darkness, surrounded by zombies who will never disturb your sweet dreams.