Warning: contains spoilers for Being Human series one-five.
Since Being Human ended last year, I’m really feeling the strain, along with countless other die hard fans. It hasn’t quite got to the point where I’m sneaking up behind people in hospitals and biting them in a futile attempt to keep the show alive, but it’s been a close thing.
I miss a lot of things about Being Human, from Hal’s shirtless scenes to the parts where Hal has no top on. I particularly miss those episodes where Hal fails to wear enough clothes.
It isn’t just Hal I miss. Really it isn’t. Did I mention that I like Hal? Anyway, I assure you I miss other things than Hal and his chest. I miss everyone in the Being Human universe, including those characters that maybe weren’t as appreciated as they should have been during the show’s run. Many characters appeared for one or two episodes, then with their business all neatly wrapped up, quietly disappeared back into oblivion, becoming little more than fleeting references in future episodes.
This is a terrible waste. Being Human introduced us to people who, given the chance to host their own show, would pull in more viewers than current master of the universe, Paddy McGuinness.
I have taken it upon myself to design vehicles for all the people (and ghosts, and werewolves…) that were sadly overlooked during their original TV appearances. I am 100% sure these shows will get commissioned, as long as I am willing to stand outside the headquarters of major channels and shout my case. If I can persuade the network executives to commission my shows before the police arrive to escort me away, then expect to see the following characters back on your screens soon…
This vegetarian, Morrissey-worshipping ghost starred in a bittersweet episode of series one, during which he discovered that his unfinished business was to fall in love, which he did – with Annie.
Unfinished business… well… finished, Gilbert passed through to the afterlife, never to brighten our screens again. Not that he ever did much brightening, with his mud coloured overcoat and his tendency to call you a bourgeois idiot. But you know what I mean.
One thing Gilbert was an expert at, apart from making you feel uncool, was critiquing music. As such, he needs to host a music and arts review show. Think The South Bank Show, only Gilbert hates everything he reviews, declaring it to be mindless drivel. Unless it’s Marc Almond.
With fists of iron and a talent for stealing scrap metal, Anthony McNair was the manliest man you could ever hope to meet. McNair is perfect to take over from Bear Grylls as the host of his own gritty, manly survival show. He could drive around in his camper van, showing the public how to successfully live off the land and kill vampires. And because McNair is played by Robson Green, there obviously needs to be some fishing in there somewhere. Extreme fishing. I don’t know, maybe he could stake the fishes or something.
We first met reluctant werewolf Allison during series four, where she was one half of an achingly sweet love story involving naïve werewolf Tom. During their brief time together, Allison taught Tom the importance of engaging your fellow beings in intellectual debate, while Tom taught Allison how to kill vampires with pointy wooden things.
I think it’s clear that Allison, college debate champion par excellence, is perfect to take over from Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight. Her ability to win any argument just by flashing her Blue Peter badge, coupled with her relentless belief that everyone is good deep down, means that one day she might even be able to get some sense out of Nick Griffin.
4. Adam and Yvonne
This mismatched pair of lovers, one middle aged yet eternally fifteen year old vampire, one unprepossessing, schoolmarmish succubus, could host an excellent alternative to Channel 4’s Supernanny. They could cover topics like correct use of the naughty step for teenagers (only to be used when your teenager wants to eat people, or is trying to ‘suck face’ with you in public), finding the right babysitter for your deadly, middle aged fifteen year old, and the importance of quality ‘me time’ during your hectic schedule of headmistressing, disciplining naughty vampires, and accidentally sucking the life out of innocent men.
And yes, I know Adam did technically have his own show, but at no point in Becoming Human did he ever get sent to the naughty step by Annette Crosby’s daughter. And then get off with her.
5. Daisy and Ivan
Although not strictly a one episode wonder, I think the public need to see more of this vampire couple with a very open relationship.
Daisy and Ivan describe themselves as ‘tourists’. Bored with life after sixty years together, they now travel the world in search of fun things to do, people to eat, and trouble to stir up.
I would like Daisy and Ivan to host a new travel show, guiding the viewers through the wonders of the world, and showing us the best places to pick up a snack. Think Man V Food, with a twist.
Annie’s arch rival when it comes to making tea, Pearl is the nitpicking, ultra-houseproud ghost that lived with Leo and Hal from the 1950s until her appearance in series four. After cleaning up Leo and Hal’s mess for sixty years, there is nothing this woman doesn’t know about removing stubborn stains and ectoplasm from everyday household objects. As Kim and Aggie seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth, there is a gap in the market for a prim and proper clean freak, which Pearl could fill by hosting her own housekeeping show. Naturally, since Pearl is a ghost, the show would have to be called Scare The Crap Out Of Your House.
An unappreciated genius in her former life, Michaela’s dark, brooding poetry and bumblebee tights were sadly overlooked while she was human.
The world needs to see more of Michaela’s poetry; I demand it. At the very least, an eight hour TV slot once a week. Not since Pam Ayres has the planet been graced with such an insightful and thought provoking poet-philosopher.
I’m thinking late night BBC4, when all the plebs are in bed, and the only people awake are those who can appreciate poems about finding your soul mate, about the essential darkness of life, and the unfairness of having to pay for a cheeseburger with actual money.
Annie’s murdering, philandering ex-fiancé spectacularly and deservedly fell from grace at the end of series one when Annie, cheered on by the viewers, discovered that she had the ability to royally screw him up in return for him killing her.
Before Owen met his sticky end, he demonstrated his talent for DIY on several occasions. As someone who thinks Tommy Walsh is losing his edge, I believe what’s needed is a more dynamic, relevant version of one of Tommy’s flagship shows – Fix Your House In Five Seconds; Help, My Conservatory’s On Fire! or Grouting For Women. A show where the host tackles relevant and dynamic household problems, such as removing evidence of a murder from a U-bend. That and, you know, fixing taps and stuff.
The bootylicious zombie from series three knows a thing or two about being uber glamorous. After all, the life of a WAG is all about glamour. Sasha is (or was, before she became all dead) the girlfriend of a professional rugby player. Not only that, she is also an expert on partying hard and looking hot despite having a hole in her torso.
As Sasha’s imaginary agent, I have several parts lined up for her. Firstly, if Hollyoaks really wanted to be cutting edge and down with the kids, they’d introduce a zombie character, possibly a pole dancing zombie. Maybe she could go out with Jambo or something. Is Jambo still in it?
Secondly, she could host a new series of Snog, Marry Avoid? where she helps other unfortunate supernaturals to achieve the look they’ve always wanted. A blowtorch here, a trowel full of industrial strength filler there, and every zombie can look as beautiful as Sasha.
Since Bruce Forsyth (who I have long suspected to be king of the vampires), is stepping down as the host of Strictly Come Dancing, I feel that Alfie Kirby, with his winning smile and groovy dance moves, could successfully replace him. He’d certainly be better than Tess Daly, who isn’t even a ghost.
Kirby’s Saturday Night Fever inspired dance routine during episode four of series four alerted the viewing public to the fact that he has a god-given talent for throwing shapes, especially when he’s just done a murder or something equally naughty.
Kirby’s natural rhythm and easy charm would make him an ideal candidate to host Strictly. In fact, scrap the judges too, and just let Kirby pick the winner. He can kill whoever he doesn’t like, which would be a fairer system than the current phone vote.
Read more about Being Human on Den Of Geek, here.
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