Kick-Ass is going to corrupt you. Kick-Ass is going to transform your children into rabid monsters with no morals. Kick-Ass will then turn around, kick you in the privates and set about perverting your delicate sensibilities. Beware – Kick-Ass is evil.
Innocent citizens are going to be affected if they take a trip to the cinema today and young people (dangerous and dim-witted bunch that they are) are most at risk. If they haven’t already had their heads turned by computer games, social networking websites or the legal highs flooding the country’s high schools, then Kick-Ass will get ‘em for sure.
Without the media hype, I would never have known that the movie was actually all that is sick and wrong in the world masquerading as a two-hour motion picture. I was under the impression that it was just an adaptation of some comics by Mark Millar and John Romita, Jr. – an action-comedy about a spunky teen dweeb who wants to be a costumed crimefighter. Without the guidance of the moral guardians, I would have thought that Kick-Ass was simply an entertaining night at the flicks and a really fun movie.
Luckily, thanks to tabloid newspapers and television chat shows I now realise the truth. Kick-Ass is a toxic orgy of wanton violence, immorality, child abuse and profanity that hurls viewers into a sadistic vortex of depravity. It’s got drugs, gunfights, muggings, fornication and dirty language. It’s got Nicolas Cage training his daughter to be a cold-blooded assassin. It’s wicked and it’s spreading its malign influence across wider society having now been released in multiplexes.
Oh child, I’m so relieved that the mainstream media coverage around Matthew Vaughn’s latest work was chiefly concerned with condemning it as a shining example of 21st century society’s disintegration and breakdown. This is, after all, an excessively violent and obnoxious film that features a homicidal little girl with an unacceptably foul mouth. Dirty words, death and destruction everywhere – sickening.
Altogether, Kick-Ass is disgusting filth that seeks to brainwash the masses into debasing themselves even further than the moral-free modern age has already dropped them. The movie encourages young people to cuss, kill and kick the crap out of their fellow humans. It desensitises violence and makes mass slaughter look like something cool and stylish and all societal ills can be linked back to and blamed on this movie.
Kick-Ass is responsible for teen pregnancy, suicide pacts, bullying, childhood obesity, swine flu and climate change. Kick-Ass is clearly the most evil film of all time. The Exorcist has got nothing on this highly-stylised video-nasty.
Oddly enough, the abomination has received a 15 certificate and isn’t 18 or X-rated. Because the BBFC gave it such a light rating and didn’t impose psychological profile tests on screenings I was able to go and watch the comic book-based movie at the cinema (posters in bus stops told me I had to see it, so I did).
Having now experienced it I can confirm that, yes, I have been affected by this broadcast. They never flashed a helpline number across the screen at any point, so I didn’t know what to do when Kick-Ass started playing havoc with my mind. It’s too late now. Now that I’ve been exposed to the public menace I’ve lost all sense of right, wrong and reason.
Kick-Ass talked to me and over the course of two hours convinced me to radically alter my lifestyle, because, you know, I’m a passive unthinking piece of meat that lacks the ability to separate art from actuality.
I’m going to put on a purple wig and a costume, take to the streets and beat people to a pulp. I might even shoot ‘em up if I fancy using all the top-of-the-range weaponry I’ve accumulated easily through online weapons bazaars. I’ll then swear a lot and stick the results on the Internet for kicks. If my antics get enough views I’ll push them out on daytime TV and run in direct competition with The Alan Titchmarsh Show, then torture and dismember the gardening guru in a live transmission if he gets better ratings.
In fact, I’ll go all out to be as outrageous and antisocial as possible. I’ll pretend to be gay to get close to unsuspecting school girls, then I’ll have sex with them in the alleyways behind comic stores. I’ll do drugs and dispose of hoodlums in garbage crushers and industrial microwaves. Kick-Ass told me to.
Not having a brain and being an organism that operates on an ‘observe, imitate and repeat’ level, this movie has acted as the catalyst to inevitable calamity.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you see someone armed with a bazooka and nunchucks, wearing a bandit mask, strutting the streets of New York City, it’s likely to be me. You’ll know why I’m recreating Death Wish in a wetsuit and so can get out the way and call the relevant authorities.
Don’t wait for heinous atrocities to happen in the hope of recording a rampage on your mobile to have a ‘citizen journalist’/YouTube hit moment. Just find someone to taser a poor individual whose mind was screwed by twisted movies and lament the fact that I didn’t go and see Hachi: A Dog’s Story instead of Kick-Ass.
You can then move on, forget my gutter language, crude remarks and antisocial carnage and return home to your sterile bubble of self-satisfied smug piety. Your children will thank you for not exposing them to anything that is slightly seamy and will go on to live happy, unstained lives in which they’ll say no bad language, witness no violence and see no sexual activity at all.
All will be just peachy, at least until the moment their repressed imaginations explode and they rape, pillage and torch the entire neighbourhood. Of course, you’d have to have children first. To do that, you’d have to have had sex and trust that bad language and decaying society haven’t made your reproductive facilities shrivel up into traumatised impotency.
It’s too late for me, though. I’ve seen Kick-Ass and have been warped. To the despicable people who produce such unscrupulous trash – just know that I’m sat here now with a sinister grin on my face slicing up a hobo with a fancy flick-knife I ordered off the web and it’s all your fault. I used to be a shining picture of innocent purity. Now – post-cerebral poisoning at a Kick-Ass preview screening – “Show’s over, motherfuckers.”
James’ previous column can be found here.