The computer game movie ready reckoner

Sarah likes computer game movies more than most people. Then again, most people just flat out hate them.

House of the Dead

Having looked at Wikipedia’s list of computer game movies, I’m quite scared. There are hundreds and hundreds of movies that either haven’t been released yet or haven’t been completed. The genre seems to be expanding at a rate of knots, and quite frankly, a lot of the movies that are already out weren’t any great shakes. And the worst part is, I’ll watch pretty much all of the ones that’re on their way. Eeeek.

Anyway. Ready reckoner time:

The Last Starfighter (1984)

2 out of 5
Starting off with a cheating entry isn’t ideal, but nonetheless, I’m going to. This is about a computer game, rather than being based on one. It’s also not very good, unless you saw it when you were a child, in which case it might be quite good.

Resident Evil (2002)

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2 out of 5
Rubbishy not-quite zombie movie nonsense.

House of the Dead (2003)

4 out of 5
In my heart of hearts, I know this doesn’t deserve 4 stars. But I love it. House of the Dead is the reason most people hate Uwe Boll – it’s campy and silly and trashy and absolutely bloody brilliant.

Alien vs Predator (2004)

2 out of 5
Not as bad as everyone said, but not very good either.

Resident Evil:Apocalypse (2004)

2 out of 5
Lather, rinse, repeat, but with added Russian Zack Ward.

Satan’s Little Helper (2004)

3 out of 5
Another one about a computer game instead of being based on one, Satan’s Little Helper is fresh, original, creepy and funny, but it goes on for about 20 minutes past its ending. Shame.

Alone in the Dark (2005)

1 out of 5
Tara Reid plays a scientist; the film opens with a text crawl; it’s impossible to follow the story, at all, because it’s just nonsense. Very bad.

Doom (2005)

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3 out of 5
Ass-kicking on Mars and a first-person-shooter sequence makes this awesome, in spite of the “is evil genetic?” posturing they tried to shoehorn in.

BloodRayne (2005)

2 out of 5
You can actually see the actors losing enthusiasm as the film goes on. Boll’s third computer game movie is better than Alone in the Dark but not a patch on House of the Dead. Lots of overly-dramatic gore, though. Always good.

House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim (2006)

1 out of 5
Very very bad Sci-Fi Channel sequel which looks cheaper than the original; even the cracks at Paris Hilton and ending stolen from The Thing can’t save this from being shit.

Silent Hill (2006)

1 out of 5
Pretentious and painful to watch, Silent Hill managed to pack in a wholly superfluous Sean Bean subplot and a gratuitous soggy dead girl. Crap.

Stay Alive (2006)

2 out of 5
Again not based on a computer game, this is about a computer game that kills you. Sort of. Except the filmmakers got confused and abandoned their awesome conceit halfway through. Disappointing.

BloodRayne 2: Deliverance (2007)

1 out of 5
This was not a fun experience for anyone, from director to actors to viewers. The screenwriters seem quite pleased with themselves, though, so there’s that.

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

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3 out of 5
Fun post-apocalyptic nonsense with CGI zombie birds. Woohoo!

Postal (2007)

4 out of 5
Far and away Uwe Boll’s best film to date. I can hear you scoffing, but this is actually properly, genuinely good. And funny, too. With heart. And intelligence. No, honestly. (Plus I’m in it.)

Not seen: Hitman (but I hear it’s good), any Final Fantasy movies, Streetfighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario, or Tomb Raider. Actually, I have seen one of the Tomb Raider movies, but I can’t remember anything about it.

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