Possible future films for Sean Bean

If Sean Bean has a hole in his schedule, Andrew has a few film pitches that might interest him...

What can you say about Sean Bean that hasn’t been said before? He’s like a Moomin Shaman. His love is deeper than the sun and he’s as gentle as a mother’s kiss.

Apologies if your mother sometimes gets a bit carried away. No one needs those flashbacks.

While Robert Carlyle selfishly took the lead role in Sawney Bean, there are still movies out there, potentially, with a Sean Bean shaped hole in them. The Hobbit is set about 78 years before The Fellowship Of The Ring, but maybe Ecthelion II looks quite like his grandson. And maybe, what with it being a Fantasy film, Ecthelion II can somehow have an even more spectacular death than his son. Who can have a baby with Sean Bean’s face. I’m fairly sure WETA could make an animatronic one of those, just in time to hit the shops for Christmas.

Occasionally slipping quietly into a hit, casually being the best thing in less well distributed movies, Sean Bean is the flawed hero of choice for many, and a seemingly insurmountable villain (well, would you want to fight someone who, after being attacked with a knife of an evening, decided to carry on drinking rather than go to hospital?). It’s as brilliant to watch him unravel, and then try to reclaim his lost heroism, as it is to watch him be a total and utter bastard.

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With this in mind, here are four Sean Bean films we at Den of Geek would love to see. As ever, please chip in with your own suggestions. One of these days one of us is going to be seriously rich.

Sean Bean Lives

Director: Charlie KaufmanSupporting Cast: John Malkovich, Jean-Claude van Damme, Elizabeth Shue

Sean Bean plays Sean Bean. Sean Bean is a man who plays a man in a fantasy setting who dies. But why? Sean Bean begins to wonder if his film choices are really under his control. He embarks on a quest to ask other actors who have played themselves in a meta-fictional reality if they have started to notice the subtle spectre of determinism encroaching into their lives.

The truth is something more terrible than anyone could have realised.

Due to the shooting in Belgium, the expansive sound stage used to recreate New Zealand, and the scene set in Sean Bean’s mind with the 400 extras dressed as cutlery, Sean Bean Lives will be a relatively expensive indie film with a budget of around $14,000,000, a critically lauded but unrewarded festival hit, and entirely reliant on DVD sales to make any of its money back.

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Massive Hassle In Steel City

Director: John WooSupporting Cast: Keith Barron, Richard Coyle, Graham Fellows, Leslie Ash, Dominic West, Ian Reddington, Angela Pleasance, Michael Palin, Judy Parfitt, Patricia Maynard, Jarvis Cocker

Sean Bean plays the manager of Sheffield United. Sean Bean plays the manager of Sheffield Wednesday. Yes, that’s right. Bean on Bean action. Once again, nothing is what it seems. Who owns Sheffield’s football teams? And what do they want with two men with the same face? How did they get the same face, and why have they never been seen together?

The truth is something more terrible than anyone could have realised.

A cross between Memento, Face/Off and When Saturday Comes is a glorious mix, topped off by Sean Bean having a breakdown and fighting himself on top of the Sheffield Wheel during Mardi Gras in a thunderstorm. On another note, look at all the brilliant actors who come from Sheffield if you only scratch the surface, and that’s after Patrick McGoohan, Maurice Denholme, and Brian Glover have died. Go Sheffield.

Let’s Not Kill Hitler

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Director: Rian JohnsonSupporting Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Daniel Mays, Emily Watson

Sean Bean is Trans-Lieutenant Constable Connor Headcastle. TLC Headcastle is sent backwards in time to kill Hitler as a baby. The journey fails, and he is returned to the present time (an unspecified period). The machine is fixed, and a second attempt is made where the Hitler baby is killed. Hardcastle returns to the present, only to find out that something is very, very wrong.

The truth is something more terrible than anyone could have realised.

The molecular re-assembly profile has become confused with that of the target, so when Headcastle travels back in time to kill Hitler, he returns to the present only to find that Nazi Germany won World War Two, and Hitler still lives.

And he looks really, really like Sean Bean.

Are we obsessed with having two Sean Beans on screen? No. Obsession would be weird. This is more of an inclination that we think about every waking hour. And a film with mainly practical effects, a murky noir quality, and an intricate time travel plot, Rian Johnson may well be the man to turn to, if he is willing to revisit styles. Mainly, though, this will be an opportunity for Sean Bean to usurp Robert Carlyle as ‘Best Hitler by a British Actor Liable to Play Nutters’.

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Army Of One

Director: Joe WrightSupporting Cast: Saoirse Ronan, Ciaran Hinds, Colin Firth, Desmond Tutu

The Church is losing the war with secularism. To rectify this, they take the child from young, unmarried mother Saoirse Ronan, and raise it in a secret hideout a mile beneath the Vatican. Here they use homoeopathic cloning (with holy water) to produce three versions of the boy: the one who knows the dogma off by heart and can spot a sin at ten paces (the Father); the impetuous one who is capable of miraculous feats of strength (the Son); and the quiet, almost ninja-like one who moves in mysterious ways (the Holy Ghost). They all grow up to be physically similar (ie. they’re all Sean Bean) and work together to bring down the secular threat.

After a tense stand-off between the Holy Trinity, Alan Moore, Robin Ince and Richard Dawkins, they realise how potent a fighting force they are, and go rogue beyond the reach of the Church, killing those who don’t live up to the rigours of the scriptures. It’s up to one Priest, by appointment of the Prime Minister (and assisted by Desmond Tutu), to tame the beast, but can it be turned into a force for good? Or has a force beyond the reach of God been unleashed?

The truth is something more terrible than anyone could have realised.

If anyone wants to suggest their own Sean Bean films, please note that it isn’t absolutely essential that there be more than one of him. It’s just that we at Den of Geek firmly believe in giving the audience what it wants.

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