Nightmare on Elm Street to be remade?

One, two, Freddy's coming for you ... all over again. For heaven's sake.

Freddy

There is currently so little actual news or facts relating to this that it’s almost not worth writing about (and I’d really rather not think about it) but everyone from Ain’t It Cool News to The Guardian is currently reporting that Nightmare on Elm Street will be the next horror movie to be remade.

No writers, directors, or anything else have yet been announced, so I don’t know where to direct my hatemail. But Michael Bay seems like a good bet, since if The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) and The Amityville Horror (2005) hadn’t made money, this wouldn’t be happening now.

Is the horror genre really this creatively bankrupt? Are there no original ideas left? (Answer: apparently not, because even the so-called “original” movies these days are based on, or homages to, what’s gone before. Even the Saw franchise, which was quite new and exciting when it debuted, has managed to disappear further and further up its own ass with each successive film, to the point where it’s looking decidedly pretzel-shaped.)

I’m trying to see something worthwhile in this idea. According to various people, the Halloween remake was actually not terrible, though Rob Zombie’s track record has put me off actually seeing it. There’s already a Friday the 13th remake in the works, so this is by no means a surprise – not that that takes the sting out. The original Nightmare on Elm Street movie has, undeniably, aged, and not particularly gracefully (thanks largely to Johnny Depp’s fantastic hair) but it’s still a good film; it’s a great idea, and though you can see some of the joins in the special effects, they’re much more effective than the cheap CGI a remake will almost certainly employ could ever be.

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And even if, somehow, New Line managed to get a good director and a brilliant writer on board, who’s going to play Freddy Krueger? The only acceptable answer is Robert Englund. If he’d bother to do it. If someone doesn’t decide he’s too old.

This is just a ridiculous, ridiculous idea. Some movies should just be left alone – and Nightmare on Elm Street has already suffered more indignities in the form of sequels than any self-respecting film should ever have to put up with. Remakes – and let’s not pretend they’re “reboots”, euphemisms aren’t helping anything here – are almost always bad ideas, and this one is a spectacularly bad one. Just make it stop.