March Monster Madness Round 2: Godzilla’s Elite Eight

Still standing in March Monster Madness are: Godzilla, Mechagodzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Gigan, King Ghidorah, Gamera, and Kumonga.

And we’re back with Round TWO of March Monster Madness! Your votes determined which kaiju advanced to this round, the Elite Eight of Toho dominance! Now is the time for the underdogs to shine! Who are the cinderella kaiju in this tournament? Can Mechagodzilla upset Godzilla? It’s a battle of the winged classics between Rodan and Mothra! Gigan and King Ghidorah have a score to settle! And, everyone’s favorite dark horse, the flying turtle Gamera takes on giant spider Kumonga. Voting closes at 11:59 EDT on Monday night so place your votes FAST to determine who moves on to the Final Four!

GODZILLA

First Appearance: Godzilla King of the Monsters (1954)

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Height: 100 meters Weight: 60,000 tons

Wins: 42 Losses: 7 Ties: 9

Finally, some real competition for Godzilla after that pansy-ass jabroni, Zilla. But in truth, there is no real competition when facing Godzilla, is there? Mechagodzilla may look impressive, but it’s really just a pale imitation to the original. I can’t even run iTunes and Skype at the same time, and you’re telling me Mechagodzilla will be able find the multi-tasking might to defeat Godzilla? What operating system is it running? It doesn’t matter, because it will be a pile of molten slag before you can blink. Let’s review…Godzilla, King of the Monsters, the first, the greatest, and the best. Born back into a world through nuclear fire and rage, and you believe a jumped up laptop with delusions of badassness can stop him? Listen, Godzilla has made short work of Mechagodzilla on many previous occasions. Sure, Mechagodzilla has always had a good showing, but no upgrade or patch in the world will give Mechagodzilla the Mechasack it needs to defeat the big green engine of destruction. So get the Geek Squad to come clean up the Mechapiss Mechagodzilla will leak down its quivering Mechalegs as it runs for its Mechalife, ‘cause Godzilla should take this one easy. Godzilla once beat down his robot imitator AND Titanosaurus, so one on one should be no problem.

VS.

MECHAGODZILLA

First Appearance: Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)

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Wins: 3 Losses: 2  Ties: 0

Height: 120 meters Weight: 150,000 tons

Wow. Now we’re talking about a fight. And this ain’t their first time on the dance floor. This rivalry goes back all the way to 1974 and they have fought in at least three films after that. I’m definitely backing Mechagodzilla in this fight. It’s clear he’s got his fan support but also he’s a freaking robot. That shoots lasers. FROM HIS MOUTH. And who would want to fight a robotic version of themselves? Godzilla wouldn’t stand a chance against Mechagodzilla. He’s the enhanced and better version of Godzilla and clearly takes the victory in this battle!

WINNER: GODZILLA

Oof. Y’know…we sort of expected this one to be closer. I mean, sure, everyone loves Godzilla, but Mecha-G (Mecha-Geeeeeeee!) is a freaking GIANT ROBOT GODZILLA and how the heck is that not merit more than sixteen percent of the vote? I mean, seriously! Y’all are what we call in the sports world, “front-runners.” 

MOTHRA

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First Appearance: Mothra (1961)

Wingspan: 250 meters Weight: 15,000 tons

Wins: 5 Loses: 3 Ties: 0

Mothra is the darling of the Toho world and you proved your love for her with your votes! We guess all that fairy pixie dust did her well. Our favorite femme fatale is facing off against Rodan and I’m not worried about her one bit. Mothra’s battle record is far superior to Rodan’s. And Mothra is not one to back down from a battle. She has the biggest balls of all the competitors involved here. She’s flies into battle guns blazing, like some kind of fabulous moth version of Rambo. And did we mention she looks fierce doing it? Mothra FTW!

VS.

RODAN

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First Appearance: Rodan (1956)

Height: 100 meters Weight: 30,000 tons

Wins: 2 Losses: 4 Ties: 1

Ah, the battle of the air. Mothra versus Rodan is a true marquee matchup as both kaiju have been featured in their own films. Mothra had a series of films and has had co-starring roles with Godzilla over the years, while Rodan’s name has only graced the title of one (which he is very bitter about, I might add).  Yeah, great, Mothra has two little pixies singing a theme song for her/him/whatever. Rodan is so badass, he’ll put Judas Priest in a cage, strap them to his back, and force them to sing “Painkiller” wherever he flies. What chance does Mothra, protector of nature, have against a Pterodactyl that can cause hurricanes? Rodan has been in the shadows of Godzilla and Mothra long enough, it’s time for the winged terror to fulfill his destiny and make Mothra a rainbow stain across Tiny Asian Chick Lilliput Island or wherever the heck it’s from. Rodan proved his mettle by eking out a victory against Destroyah, and will make quick work of a monster who, let’s face it, would be stymied by a flickering light bulb.

 WINNER: MOTHRA

This one was tight! A winged battle for the ages! But in the end…it’s all about MOTHRA, baby! And guess who might just be the one to pull off the upset on the big, green, scaly guy? That’s right. Mothra. The “fabulous Moth version of Rambo” just Rambo-d her way to victory with 54% of the vote. Not the most decisive victory, but a victory nevertheless! Battered, bloodied, but unbowed…Mothra advances to the Final Four!

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GIGAN

First Appearance: Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

Height: 120 meters Weight: 60,000 tons

Wins: 1 Losses: 4 Ties: 0

Ghidorah has three heads? Bigs frakkin’ deal, Gigan is made of knives. It’s like you crossed Cyclops, Wolverine, and Foghorn Leghorn into a seventeen story engine of sharp destruction.  In the first round, Gigan made jell-o pudding out of Hedorah. If a creature made up of acid rain and smog went down so easy, what chance does that three headed duck have? Lightning? Pshaw!  Gigan brings the pain and can still slice veggies for a nice healthy salad. Gigan has gone toe-to-toe with Godzilla and only lost because Godzilla had the help of Jet Jaguar, what chance does that three-headed short circuit have? And look at the size of those heads! Those are the tiniest little coconuts I’ve ever seen. Gigan will buzz-saw them in seconds. Ghidorah may have the name recognition, but Gigan has the weapons and will to come out of this one a victor.

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VS.

KING GHIDORAH

First Appearance: Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964)

Height: 140 meters Weight: 70,000 tons

Wins: 2 Losses: 6 Ties: 0

I almost feel bad for King Ghidorah. Everyone else has a legitimate fight. I feel like I might have to call CPS on King Ghidorah for beating on a child. Gigan resembles something I messed up in shop class in eighth grade. Part chicken, part chainsaw? Please. The King has three heads and makes Cerberus pee in his doggy crate. So if you want to give Gigan the sympathy vote, I understand. Poor baby. 

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WINNER: KING GHIDORAH!

You don’t mess with royalty. How does one get to be crowned king in the kaiju world, anyway? I can’t imagine it’s something that you marry into. There’s either blue blood running in those scaly, armored plates or there ain’t. King Ghidorah is doing the Queen’s wave to you all…with his wings…and probably causing untold millions of dollars in property damage just with this seemingly innocuous, friendly gesture. Oh, also: He freakin’ STOMPED Gigan. 79% of the vote. You’re all royalists! All of you! King Ghidorah is another fine candidate to pull off an upset here in the later rounds, so keep an eye (or six) on him!

GAMERA

First appearance: Gamera (1965)

Height: 80 meters Weight: 5,500 tons

Wins: N/A Losses: N/A Ties: N/A

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Gamera really might be the Cinderella story of this tournament! Gamera is a part of the Toho monsters, but he isn’t a part of the Godzilla universe. He’s so badass, he has his own damn collection of mythology. And in his battle against Kumonga, I think he’s the clear victor. He is a plucky little bastard who eats spiders for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. No problem fitting another one in for a snack. Sorry Kumonga, your days in this tournament are numbered!

VS.

 

KUMONGA

First Appearance: Son of Godzilla (1967)

Height: 45 meters Weight: 30,000 tons

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Wins: 1 Losses: 2 Ties: 0

Gamera may be popular, he may have his own MST3K theme song, but who the heck is afraid of a turtle? Many people suffer from arachnophobia, but have you met anyone with Chelonaphobia? (fear of turtles…I googled it) Did Gollum trick Frodo into the layer of Shelob the Turtle? Was Ron Weasley afraid of turtles? Hell, no. Only Shredder and the Foot have turtle issues, and Kumonga is six legs better than any ninja. Kumonga made calamari out of Oodako, and will continue his perfect record against sea life against Gamera. The Arachnid terror will prove that Gamera is really just Godzilla with a backpack, and soon Gamera will be renting himself out to turtle wax companies to make a quick buck. At the end of this fight, Gamera will be doing his best Little Miss Muffet impression and Kumonga will stand victorious!

WINNER: GAMERA!

“Gamera! Gamera! Gamera is really neat! He is filled with turtle meat! Gamera!” I’m telling you right now, boys and girls, we’re gonna be singing that Gamera song all the way to victory. Who doesn’t love Gamera? Giant turtle! Friend to children! Ally of Jet Jaguar (who, I just realized, REALLY should have been a part of this tournament), and awesome, giant…turtle…flying…saucer thingie. Whatever. We love him. And guess what? In his absolute devastation of Kumonga, he pulled off the same percentage of the vote that Godzilla did in his victory over Mechagodzilla! I’m no numerologist, and I suck at gambling, but I’m telling you, that MEANS something. Gamera is taking this one all the way…but first he’s got a date in the Final Four!

March Monster Madness will continue with the Fatal Final Four! Keep your eyes peeled and, uhhh…don’t get stepped on.

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