Well, it’s March Madness here at Den of Geek, so it’s time to place your bets! What? Not on college basketball, you silly geese! We’ve got the Sweet 16 of Kaiju right here! Fifteen Toho monsters (plus Gamera!) squaring off in single elimination duels to the death. All you have to do is vote for the winner of each match-up to decide who advances in our tournament. Vote, comment, talk trash, reminisce about your favorite kaiju moments, and then vote again! We’ve thought of everything, bringing in monsters from four divisions to do battle for your pleasure. Behold, Division 1: The Battle of the Godzillas! Godzilla vs. Zilla, and Mechagodzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla! From the Air, we have Mothra vs. Battra, and Destroyah vs. Rodan! And if you think you’re safe on land, think again, as we’ve got Hedorah vs. Gigan, and King Ghidorah vs. King Caesar! And don’t forget the Giant Animals division! Gamera vs. Ebirah, and Oodako vs. Kumonga!
THE POLLS HAVE CLOSED! UPDATED WITH THE WINNERS! THE NEXT BRACKET WILL BE RELEASED TOMORROW!
First Appearance: Godzilla King of the Monsters (1954)
Height: 100 meters Weight: 60,000 tons
Wins: 42 Losses: 7 Ties: 9
Look at that record, that’s some Walter Johnson shit right there, son. Who’s going to stand against the biggest, the baddest, the best? The creature feature that started it all! Sure he has a few losses in his legendary career, but Godzilla usually learns from his mistakes and comes back swinging. He’s taken down the likes of Kong (albeit with some controversy), Ghidorah, and Mechagodzilla multiple times. The only kaiju that poses and challenge is, maybe, Mothra, but all others have fallen like dominoes before the nuclear might before the king of the monsters. Zilla? Please. Zilla has had two recorded fights, one where Godzilla defeated him in a record five seconds, and the other where he lost to Ferris Bueller. Zilla is such a laughing stock of the kaiju world; even Anguiras steals his lunch money. Put all your money on Godzilla on this one because Zilla, CGI pansy that he is, doesn’t stand a chance. This is like Michael Jordan going one on one with Gary Coleman, after Coleman died.
First Appearance: Godzilla (1998)
Height: 70 meters Weight: 20,000 tons
Wins: 0 Losses: 1 Tie: 0
The only reason Zilla doesn’t have a great track record is that SHE hasn’t been given the chance (Remember that egg thing? We think that makes her female but she can identity however she wants). Plus, don’t you guys love America? Zilla may not be the greatest Toho monster but she is OUR Toho monster. We stand beside Zilla as it is the patriotic thing to do! And we are certain that if given the chance, she would do some real serious damage against Godzilla.
While Godzilla’s victory was lopsided, and should come as no surprise to anyone, the fact that roughly ten percent of you voted for Zilla tells us that either you REALLY love underdogs, or you secretly hate yourselves and us. Regardless, it’s on to the next round for the King of the Monsters!
First Appearance: Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla (1994)
Height: 120 meters Weight: 80,000 tons
Wins: 1 Losses: 1 Ties: 1
It’s Godzilla, same powers, same attitude, but in space. That’s awesome! He holds a draw with Godzilla himself, and holds a kill win over M.O.G.E.R.A., but listen, a Care Bear can beat that titanium kitten. Anyway, Space Godzilla can control gravity plus possesses all of Godzilla’s powers. Did I mention he’s from space? SpaceGodzilla has proven against M.O.G.E.R.A. that robots and mechanoids pose little problem. SpaceGodzilla’s favorite hobby is ripping open steel hulls like crepe paper and eating the delicious wiring on the inside. What is Mechagodzilla going to do? “Oh, I got little finger missiles.” Space Godzilla does not fear a faux creature with a murderous manicure. SpaceGodzilla is going to turn Mechagodzilla into scrap iron, bank on it!
First Appearance: Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)
Height: 120 meters Weight: 150,000 tons
Wins: 3 Losses: 2 Ties: 0
Ha! Scrap Iron? More like SpaceGodzilla will end up being space junk! SpaceGodzilla doesn’t stand a chance against Mechagodzilla. He’s a cyborg version of Godzilla. He’s like Godzilla in every way except better…faster…stronger. He makes Godzilla’s allies go running to their mothers (looking at you Anguiras). He’s the scariest thing walking on two robotic legs. And did we mention the laser breath? So while Space Godzilla is running home to his mother, Mechagodzilla will be rampaging, like the giant robot that he is. He’s practically the dalek of the Toho world. Space Godzilla wouldn’t even stand a chance in this match up!
We kinda thought Space Godzilla had more of a chance with this one, but you kaiju krusaders felt differently. Mecha-G (say it with me readers who have actually seen Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. “Mecha-Geeeeeeeeee!”) stomped off with a decisive 75% of the vote!
First appearance: Godzilla vs Mothra: Battle for Earth (1992)
Wingspan: 180 meters Weight: 30,000 tons
Wins: 0 Losses: 1 Ties: 1
Yeah, his win/loss record isn’t impressive on paper, but he is an EVIL Mothra. Mothra is the most successful kaiju when it comes to battling Godzilla, so imagine what an evil version of the killer moth can do. There ain’t no pixie dust here, just pure badassery. It doesn’t matter if Mothra is facing Battra in Battra’s larvae or moth form, as larvae Battra could use his horn to bludgeon Mothra or use its electric blast to fry Mothra into a rainbow porterhouse. And please, how scary can Mothra be when his (her?) every move is directed by two little Japanese chicks living in a cage. Battra’s weakness is not cuteness, so Mothra and his rainbow happiness stands no chance against the world’s most badass moth.
First Appearance: Mothra (1961)
Wingspan: 250 meters Weight: 15,000 tons
Wins: 5 Losses: 3 Ties: 0
The first thing we want to point out here is that Mothra is, indeed, a badass lady. Oh, and those two Japanese chicks living in a cage? They are her PRIESTESSES…because Mothra has an entire island of worshippers AND a theme song! Godzilla doesn’t even have a theme song. And Mothra just happens to be the darling of the Toho monsters. So what if she’s cute? Who says you can’t have it all? Cute, badass, and did we mention her incredible battle record? Battra is a joke. He’s like the sad emo cousin of Mothra who has locked himself in his room and listens to Skrillex. Is there an entire cult devoted to him? We didn’t think so! And her cuteness is part of her appeal. She’s kawaii and dangerous. Even Godzilla quakes in fear when this femme fatale comes around. Don’t ever question the power of cute looks and sharp wits.
Oh my stars and garters! This one wasn’t even a LITTLE bit close. An absolute massacre for Mothra, who, along with her priestesses and that super catchy song that they sing, flew off into the sunset (and into our hearts) with a completely ridiculous 95% of the vote!
First Appearance: Rodan (1956)
Height: 100 meters Weight: 30,000 tons
Wins: 2 Losses: 4 Ties: 1
Not the best record, but what he lacks in past success he makes up for with power and reputation. Rodan is one of the few kaiju to star in his own film, and that counts for something. Destroyah, what’s a Destroyah? A bestial typo? Rodan is one of the fastest kaiju, and his armored underbelly makes him a deadly striker. He needs to work on his strategy as he has not used his hurricane breath since his 1956 debut. And what will Destroyah do when Rodan hits Mach 5 in the sky and sends down sonic boom after sonic boom. Rodan is one of the few kaiju deserving of iconic status, Destroyah doesn’t stand a chance.
First Appearance: Godzilla vs. Destroyah (1995)
Height: 120 meters Weight: 80,000 tons
Wins: 1 Losses: 1 Ties: 0
Destroyah has only been around since the mid-1990s and still has a far superior track record than Rodan. Destroyah is the incredible, ever-mutating, better version of Godzilla. How many versions of Godzilla does it take to touch Destroyah? Apparently at least two. He’s huge, he’s pissed, and he’s taking revenge on the world that created him. How would he face against Rodan? We’d have to look away because it’ll be awful to watch a sad little Rodan get his ass kicked by a real monster. Destroyah is the thing that keeps Rodan up at night worrying. This is a clear victory and this one should go straight to Destroyah.
This was close. We were watching this one like it was a horserace. A giant, winged horserace with hurricane breath and scales, but a horserace nevertheless. However, it appears that seniority (and an awesome pair of wings) count for something, and Rodan pulled it off with 45% of the vote!
First Appearance: Godzilla vs Gigan (1972)
Height: 120 meters Weight: 60,000 tons
Wins: 1 Losses: 4 Ties: 0
Gigan is one of the few kaiju to hold a victory over Mothra, and as such, is worthy of consideration. Gigan is the Swiss army knife of kaiju, with almost every inch of his dangerous body covered in nasty blades. Comparatively, what is Hedorah made of? Pudding? Gigan has razor discs, flight, buzzsaws, grappling cables, and eye beams to light up any adversary. The dude is like the James Bond of Armageddon bringers. Hedorah is like a nasty burrito fart with legs, he may be nasty, but he don’t stand a chance against the bladed bludgeon of the monster set.
First Appearance: Godzilla vs Hedorah (1971)
Height: 120 meters Weight: 70,000 tons
Wins: 1 Losses: 3 Ties: 0
Gigan would quickly go down if faced with this menacing monster. Hedorah is made of pollution. How are his nasty blades going to hold up in the face of toxic waste? Hedorah will just melt Gigan like an ice cube. When he’s done, Hedorah can transform himself into a box of giant tissues because Gigan is going to be a hot mess when Hedorah is done with him. After he melts Gigan into a puddle he can work on turning the rest of planet Earth into a toxic wasteland. Hedorah’s toxicity and shape-shifting make him unstoppable. If Godzilla himself had problems defeating this Smog Monster, how does Gigan even stand a chance?
For about two minutes, it looked like Hedorah had a shot. Maybe he was the sentimental favorite. Maybe everyone felt kinda sorry for his shapeless ass. I don’t know. Regardless, hook-hands seem to trump toxic waste. I’ve always found Gigan’s weird visor eyes rather sexy, myself. So did many of you, as ol’ Gigan hooked himself 69% of the vote!
First Appearance: Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla (1974)
Height: 50 meters Weight: 30,000 tons
Wins: 0 Losses: 2 Ties: 0
He may hold no kaiju victories but King Caesar is a god. No, seriously, he is. The guardian of the Azumi family first awakened to help Godzilla against Mechagodzilla, so maybe we can count on a Godzilla run-in during this bout. Vegas isn’t giving Caesar great odds against Ghidorah, but the dog/lion/lizard monster has enough gumption to pull off a huge upset. Caesar’s upper body strength and leaping ability are legendary. In the past, Caesar has absorbed his enemy’s energy powers and reflected them back, a tactic that could counter Ghidorah’s lightening. So bring it on, you three headed jabroni, Caesar is ready!
First Appearance: Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964)
Height: 140 meters Weight: 70,000 tons
Wins: 2 Losses: 6 Ties: 0
I think King Ceasar should beware the ides of March because his days are coming to an end. King Caesar has no victories under his sad little belt. If King Ghidorah can destroy Venus, I think he can take on Little Caesar here without a problem. A three-headed monster that shoots lightning is nothing to mess with. He will fry King Caesar before the little thing even has a chance to whine to Godzilla. And, by the way, did I mention that it took Mothra, Godzilla, and Rodan working together to even put a scratch on one of King Ghidorah’s heads? Seems obvious to me who takes this one!
WINNER: KING GHIDORAH!
This one wasn’t pretty. 90% in favor of King Ghidorah. Really…that wasn’t enough. You’ve got a three-headed kaiju against a deranged pomeranian. What did you guys THINK was gonna happen? The REAL King is ready for Round 2!
First Appearance: Godzilla vs the Sea Monster (1966)
Height: 50 meters Length: 100 meters Weight: 50,000 tons
Wins: 0 Losses: 3 Ties: 0
Oh, Ebirah drew a rough match up but what Ebirah lacks in toughness he makes up for in deliciousness. Ebriah will be motivated to take out Gamera to perhaps win a job as a Legal Seafood spokeskaiju. Ebirah gave Godzilla a good fight, but the crab’s skills seemed more suited to Wimbledon than kaiju fighting, what with the rock volleying that appeared in every Monster Week commercial back in the day. This could be a coming out, the moment where Ebirah goes for a punchline to a player. Unless Gamera is armed with a crab fork and some garlic butter, Ebirah can give the Guardian of Children a real fight. So bring the rice pilaf Gamera, Ebirah is waiting.
First Appearance: Gamera (1965)
Height: 80 meters Weight: 5,500 tons
Wins: N/A Losses: N/A Ties: N/A
Gamera is the dark horse of this Toho monster brawl. He hasn’t had a chance to fight any of these bastards yet, but I’m almost 100% sure that Gamera would kick ass and take names. And for those of you who would laugh at him because he’s a turtle, just know this: That shell can repel missiles. And he also happens to be a flying giant turtle. He’s also got some menacing spikes and the ability to heal himself. No bigs since he doesn’t get hurt in the first place. Ebirah just looks tasty to us. Gamera will cover that SOB in butter and fry him up.
In honor of Gamera’s absolute whupping (90%, y’all) of Ebirah (shellfish is nasty, y’all), and because we are SO CERTAIN that Gamera will spin to victory in future rounds, let’s sing the Gamera song! (music by Toho, English lyrics by MST3K) “Gamera! Gamera! Gamera is really neat! He is filled with turtle meat! We’ve been eating Gamera!”
First Appearance: Son of Godzilla (1967)
Height: 45 meters Weight: 30,000 tons
Wins: 1 Losses: 2 Ties: 0
The biggest, baddest spider this side of Shelob should make short work of Oodako, the squid who got punked by King Kong. Kumonga almost defeated Godzilla himself, but ended up being double teamed by Godzilla and his son, Minya. Kumonga is fearsome and will make calamari out of Oodako, whose only recorded fight was losing to a monkey with a visible zipper. Kumonga’s webbing brought down Ghidorah in Destroy All Monsters, and his eight legs make him an effective defensive fighter. Kumonga may not have appeared much, but he’s got it where it counts!
First Appearance: Godzilla vs King Kong (1962)
Height: 35 meters Weight: 35,000 tons
Wins: 0 Losses: 1 Ties: 0
Oodako hasn’t really had the chance to shine. Little Miss Muffet might be afraid of a spider, but I happen to think a sea monster is a whole lot scarier. He’s right out of Lovecraftian imagination and the fears of sailors. In order to even be defeated, he had to be tag teamed by King Kong and Godzilla. And we don’t think that’s a fair fight. He could easily step on that spider and make him just a smear on the wall.
Giant spider vs. something out of Captain Nemo’s nightmares. Coulda gone either way, right? But it was somehow a surprisingly decisive victory for Kumonga, who advances to Round 2 with all eight legs intact and 65% of your vote!STAY TUNED FOR ROUND 2!!!Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter for all news updates related to the world of geek. And Google+, if that’s your thing!