ITV announce National Movie Awards nominations

You're right to be scared. Ever since ITV announced their own movie awards, we were shuddering. But when we read that Mr Bean was up for one, it was enough to send us scurrying for our passport...

Mr Bean. Has been nominated for an award. Really.

Ever since ITV announced that it was doing its own National Movie Awards show, we’ve been dreading this day. Because these bastions of national taste and quality have now announced the nominations for the inaugural awards, and it’s enough to bring you out in a cold sweat.

Telling sponsored by Heat magazine’s website, the roll of honour runs thus:

Best Action Adventure:Casino RoyaleTransformersDie Hard 4.0300

Animation:The Simpsons MovieHappy FeetShrek The ThirdFlushed Away

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Comedy:BoratHot FuzzMr Bean’s HolidayNight At The Museum

Family:Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver SurferHarry Potter and the Order of the PhoenixPirates of the Caribbean: At World’s EndSpider-man 3

Performance Male:Orlando Bloom (Pirates)Daniel Craig (Casino Royale)Johnny Depp (Pirates)Rupert Grint (Harry Potter)Shia LaBeouf (Transformers)Tobey Maguire (Spider-man 3)Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter)Bruce Willis (Die Hard 4.0)

Performance Female:Judi Dench (Casino Royale)Kirsten Dunst (Spider-man 3)Megan Fox (Transformers)Eva Green (Casino Royale)Keira Knightley (Pirates 3)Emma Watson (Harry Potter)

So let’s stop and think about this one thing for a minute: how – how?!? – can any movie awards have any credence when they’ve nominated Orlando Bloom for an acting award? Really?

And that’s before we’ve talked about the fact they’ve nominated Pirates 3, Fantastic Four 2 and Shrek 3 for awards. Have they actually seen the films? Surely these are the awards for people who hate film?

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But perhaps topping it all is the decision to nominate Mr Bean’s Holiday for the best comedy of the year. Appreciating that the window for inclusion seems to have been shut at the end of July – which is why Knocked Up and Bourne Ultimatum are nowhere to be seen – it absolutely beggars belief that anyone got to the end credits of Mr Bean’s Holiday and suggested it be given an award, with no hint of irony whatsoever.

The best we can probably get away with is if Casino Royale snares the bulk of what it’s up for, but for a first stab at National Movie Awards, Britain has disgraced itself. Shame on us…