There are way more bad films out there than good ones. It’s a fact of life and one that I can begrudgingly accept and, for the most part, blissfully ignore. If anything, I sometimes see bad films as a positive thing, as it helps me to appreciate the good ones more. I can be quite zen about it all and not let them get me down. That said, I have my limits. I can break. For every generation, throughout the annals of cinema history, there comes a hack so talent-barren and inept, yet so full of their own self-perceived ability, that they warrant my rage. Even worse is when no one else can see it.
Zack Snyder is that hack.
Dart One (60 points):
Dawn of the Dead.
I rarely get upset when my sacred cows are violated by adaptations or remakes. For example, my favourite film of all time is The Wicker Man and yet I can still very much enjoy the Nicolas Cage remake for the superb surrealist comedy that it is. I’ve certainly no beef with remakes per se (c’mon, people – The Thing!) but this is one of the more perplexing in recent memory. It shares little besides the title with Romero’s classic and bears more similarity in tone and content to Return of the Living Dead 2. A totally generic zombie action movie with a few misfired jokes, lots of bad CGI and super-athletic zombies who run like they’re chasing their pay cheques in before anyone notices how rubbish they look. This kind of crap would’ve gone direct-to-video in the 80s when these movies were ten-a-penny but, hot on the heels of the equally bland and derivative 28 Days Later, it somehow managed to get a theatrical release and launch Zack Snyder’s film career. He really should’ve stuck to music videos and car adverts for the good of us all, because next came …
Dart Two (120 points):
I really, really wanted to love this. I generally enjoy Frank Miller, I dig movies that have lots of shoutin’ and killin’ and, let’s face it, the beardy man yelling “THIS IS SPARTA!” in the trailer is awesome, whichever way you slice it. Sadly, those few seconds of top shelf hollering are about all that’s worth watching here and you can get them off YouTube. The rest of the film is a plodding, aesthetically bankrupt affair that has a million computer-generated men with computer-generated six-packs killing each other with computer-generated swords until computer-generated blood sprays across the computer-generated backgrounds. It’s like watching someone else play a Playstation game and not even a very cool one. It looks like ass, the dialogue is abysmal, the plot non-existent and the violence is just staggeringly dull. Add about six hours worth of scenes where CGI Spartans walk slowly from one place to another en masse like some giant armoured tortoise and you’ve got a recipe for one of the most tedious, irredeemable, overrated snoozefests of recent years.Dart Three: (Lightning strikes, splits the dart into six and it scores 360!)Watchmen.
No. Just no. Of all the people who shouldn’t get their money-greased palms all over the film version of Watchmen, this braying jack-ass would be top of my list. Alan Moore’s masterpiece is possibly the greatest comic book of all time. Whilst a movie of this has been in the works for aeons and it’s never been particularly appealing as a concept, this … this is just an insult. The screenplay’s going to be co-written by the guy who wrote The Scorpion King and it’s directed by Hack Snyder; there’s now zero chance of its even being an interesting failure. I can’t think of a single worse line-up to adapt it. Even if they’d sold to rights to Ron Jeremy to release it as Crotchmen, it would’ve been better than this. It’s just going to be cringeful. It’ll make V For Vendetta‘s ill-fated adaptation look coherent. Come back “eggy in a basket” – all is forgiven. No. Just no.
Please God of Movies, make him stop.