“War! Huh! Good God y’all! What is it good for?” – Norman Whitfield & Barrett Strong, War
“I only need to know one thing: where they are.” – Vasquez, Aliens
Jesus wept. Apparently, Michael Bay is producing a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Surely we’re at a point now where someone needs to take this guy to one side and say, ‘Look, what you’re doing is awful. From now on it’d probably be best if you stopped producing anything that can’t be caught in a tissue.’
The link between Michael Bay and this week’s column is tenuous at best. You know how in a lot of his films there’s a considerable amount of army-related action? Well, that’s about as far it goes.
I went to see the excellent [REC] 2 this bank holiday weekend. Whilst it fell a little short of the first film, it was a terrific sequel that I very thoroughly enjoyed. Based on the film, I’ve come to the conclusion that co-directors Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza’s favourite two films are Aliens and The Exorcist. In fact, it has me questioning whether a better Exorcist sequel would have been one where the military were sent in to deal with the problem.
I do love the idea of the ‘send-in-the-military’ sequel. Sometimes the situation just calls for it. Seeing [REC] 2 do such a good job of it had me thinking about other films that might benefit from a follow-up where some heavily armed, government approved death-squadron barge in, blow shit up, shoot everything and everyone in sight and generally save the day. Here’s what I came up with:
We’re approaching the end of the Twilight saga and I’m sure we’re all very sad about that. Now, I don’t know how it’s going to play out, but I’m fairly confident that the end result of this series of films will be that the vast majority of the characters live happily ever after. But that means there’s going to be dangerous werewolves and vampires strewn all about the place. That’s not a happy ending at all. But add one more film to the series at the end and we can finish this thing off as it should be done: with these diary writing, miserable bastards viciously slaughtered by a crew of highly-trained, government-sanctioned killers.
Just think of the box office. Not only would you get all of the Twihards, but we would all go to see it as well, to enjoy all of the murder and carnage and that. Plus, how fun would it be to see their stupid little faux-goth faces when Edward Cullen’s head gets stuck on a stick at the front of the Twilight village as a warning to any other vampires that their shit will not be tolerated? Pre-book me my seat now. I can’t wait.
The Wizard of Oz
Or as I envision it, Saving Private Scarecrow. So, we’re going to disregard Return to Oz because a) it was awful and b) those Wheelers were pissing scary and I don’t want to have to think about them. After the first one, two witches are dead and Oz has been liberated. Right? Well, maybe. Or maybe those two witches were just a small part of the problem.
Now witches from all over the place are forming armies and storming the wonderful, magical land of Oz, butchering any cowardly lions, straw-headed scarecrows and low-tech robo-men that cross their paths. The yellow brick road becomes red with the spilled blood of a thousand munchkins. And so our world is sending in waves of soldiers for an epic battle to the end. Also, there would be musical numbers.
12 Angry Men
In the original, Henry Fonda is able to eliminate one instance of injustice in the courtroom. In the sequel, the military would storm every courtroom in the USA and, where people are being falsely accused, they would just massacre everybody. Hold on, I’m not sure I’ve thought this one through properly..
In Aliens, before they sent the military in, they multiplied the threat. Welcome to Jawses. The Amity waters become infested with hundreds of man-eating sharks. Brody goes in with the marines, who engage in high-tech underwater combat with the sharks. Also, some of the sharks have learned to survive on land, and so just when you think the threat is over, it’s just beginning. So we’re talking marines versus mutant sharks on land, aka, box office gold.
Eternal Sunshine of the Blood-Soaked Mind
In which the military storm Jim Carrey’s mind and mercilessly obliterate any unwanted memories. This would spell bad news for Kate Winslet’s Clementine character. Who knows how many different, excruciating ways these professionally trained killers will find for her to die?
Then in the third one, Jim Carrey’s memories land on a prison planet in the future. Wait, what?
Avatar 2 (Avatwo)
First to silence the mumbles of discontent. I am aware that Avatar one was about sending the military in. However, it’s fairly apparent that the military were awful because they couldn’t even beat a few blue cat people on flying lizard monsters. Therefore, what I propose is this: we send in the colonial marines from Aliens, turning Avatar into an Aliens prequel. They would surely have no trouble slaughtering the Na’vi.
Then, they’d take out the military forces used in Avatar. They’re already severely worn down, plus they can’t commit the kind of atrocities that the marines from Aliens can as they’re stuck in a PG. Hicks, Hudson and co are in an 18, they’ve basically got the BBFC’s permission to do whatever the pissing hell they want. If that means shooting Giovanni Ribisi in the face with a pulse rifle at point blank range, then such is life.
I don’t know how this would work. They would presumably have to shoot the ghosts, if that’s possible, and I don’t think it is. Maybe they could just blow up the house. That would be a fairly short film, but hell, films are too long these days.
So, there we go. Irrefutable proof that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Have a lovely week.