Here we are, at the release of the third film in Michael Bay’s prolonged attack on people who think films about robot fights don’t need to be more than two hours long, and I feel tense. I’m nervous. My breathing is laboured and my hands are shaking. This is it. My moment. My time. This is how I will make my mark.
I won’t be seeing Transformers 3, because I don’t hate myself. However, I know for some people seeing it will be unavoidable. Perhaps you’ve lost a bet, perhaps you’re being dragged along by someone who wants to make your life awful, or maybe you’re curious about whether seeing all three would equate to roughly the same experience as opening the puzzle box from Hellraiser and then taunting the Cenobites by painting a bullseye on your scrotum.
Whatever your motivation, some of you will be stuck in a cinema while a Transformers film happens to your face for nearly three hours. That’s why I’ve stormed in like a particularly sexy superhero draped in a cape made of my own brilliance, to offer you some advice on how to survive, and maybe even enjoy the experience.
I do this knowing of the potential consequences. I’ve seen how Michael Bay has taken to speaking about Megan Fox, and I know that I could be next. I am fully prepared to deal with a smear campaign comprised of transparent bullshit from a face that looks to be in a constant state of ‘smitten with Michael Bay’.
What I’m referencing here is that Bay recently farted out the ‘real reason’ that Megan Fox isn’t in Transformers 3D. The thing you’re not getting, guys, is that she didn’t break up with him. He broke up with her. Of course, there’s no way for us to know for sure that Bay is lying here, but he surely is.
‘Look, Megan Fox said I was trying to be like Hitler. I’m a cool guy, totally un-Hitler-like, so I didn’t want to respond. But Steven Spielberg told me to fire her and that he’s going to make a sequel to Schindler’s List called Megan’s Comment. It’s going to be in black-and-white and will probably win enough Oscar statues to fill a robot’s anus. I’m on board to exec produce’ is a rough approximation of what Bay snorted out. Awesome point, Michael.
Spielberg probably did find it insensitive. I might argue that your having two robot characters with buck teeth, talking like gangster rappers and unable to read was hardly the work of someone who could tell the difference between political correctness and delicious pudding, but you wouldn’t listen, would you? Too busy fighting Megan Fox-related prejudice to listen to someone like me. Someone who’s bald, you baldist son of a bitch.
So, yeah, Transformers 3. The way I see it, if you’re going to enjoy this film, you’re going to need to smash your own bastard head in. Here’s a rough guide to doing just that. I’m not sure what my legal responsibility to your safety is here. I was hoping my conscience might guide me, but it’s nowhere to be found. Obviously, don’t actually do any of these things, if for no other reason than my column probably couldn’t survive a serious dip in readers.
Boxing with Uwe Boll
This is a particularly useful idea, as it not only facilitates you being punched repeatedly in the face by a furious, incompetent filmmaker, thus rendering you suitably concussed to either enjoy or forget Transformers 3, but it also affords you a rare opportunity to punch the director of House Of The Dead in the dick so hard that Bloodrayne will stop being the title of a trilogy of his films and start being an apt description of him urinating.
This might not be particularly easy to facilitate, as Boll appears to have stopped boxing his critics so he can spend more time doing something you can find out about if you’re willing to Google him. (I wasn’t and never will be.) Therefore, you’ll either need to coax Boll out of punchtirement (perhaps by comparing him to Hitler. Hey, we’ve stumbled onto a theme! High fives!), or you need to find another film director to knock you about.
If we’re looking for a director of suitable size, physically speaking, I’d be tempted to suggest slaughter film superstar, Eli Roth. That being said, for goodness sake, exercise caution. The last thing you want to happen is to suggest Eli Roth punches you until Transformers 3 seems like a good film, only to find that the Bear Jew has brought his baseball bat to the party. We’ve got a little saying in my family that seems appropriate for this occasion. It’d be nice, but it’s not worth getting clubbed to death over.
Your heart on your sleeve and your head in your oven
The eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed that this is supposed to be a guide to self-inflicted head injuries, and that having someone punch you in the face should, therefore, not apply. To you people, I say this,:why not try exposing your head to incredibly high temperatures for long periods of time?
It’s important to note here that if you’re going to be warming up your brains in an oven, do not use a gas oven. We’re only looking to make our thought process more liquid, even though I can’t believe that yours would be the only Transformers-related suicide these Bay movies have produced. If it had been possible to hang myself in a busy Odeon with only a popcorn box, ticket stub and a large diet cola, I would be haunting this column to you after tragically passing during the second film in the series.
Putting your head in an oven is always going to be a risky business, particularly if someone happens to walk in on you. But, if you’re a big Transformers fan, the chances are they’ve walked in on you doing worse. Yes, I do mean self-polluting to robot porn. Engage shame mode, you disgraceful toaster-molesting bastard.
Spinning yourself dizzy may be the key to enjoying Transformers 3. You’ll need to stand outside the cinema, spinning in a circle for eight to ten minutes. Remember, there’s no need to worry about looking odd, as you’ll be standing amongst the Autobotcore elite, and they’re a visually arresting bunch. You would need four extra heads and three of them would need novelty moustaches before anyone would even notice you were there. Once you’re in the cinema, you’ll need to snag yourself an aisle seat to facilitate ninety-second top-up spins.
Although this is another example that, technically, shouldn’t be included (you’re especially unlikely to injure your head if you invest in a Transformers themed spinners crash helmet, which you can order from Den Of Geek’s online store), this suggestion comes with the built-in benefit of bringing you closer to the filmmaking process.
While it’s a well known fact that Transformers movies are filmed from spinning platforms that resemble carnival rides in every element, including smell, it’s actually the case that anyone who sets foot on set must be spinning at all times. It’s what’s referred to in the industry as a whirling production. In fact, the screenplay to TF3 was given a forty minute run through a tumble drier every day prior to filming, which gave both of the pages a pleasant, warm feel.
The easier version of this idea is to have a friend drop something heavy and emotionally significant onto your head from a great height, but I’ve neglected the ‘self-inflicted’ part of this guide enough as it is. Therefore, in the spirit of not the Transformers movies, you’re going to need to get creative. Setting up a trap to topple a bowling ball onto your skull can be as simple as nuclear physics or as complicated and time consuming as setting up the board game Mousetrap.
Of course, television and cinema have shown us multiple times that, not only is a bowling ball painful, but ultimately harmless when dropped onto a human head. It’s also hilarious. However, an Acme-style anvil or perhaps a grand piano would also prove an appropriate tribute to the idiot box. Perhaps you have an in with someone who could organise for you to have a member of the cast jump on you from a balcony. Use what resources you have available and be sure to post the videos on YouTube.
Watch Transformers 1 and 2
No, I’m teasing. Never do that.
Not the eyes!
This one is more a warning than a suggestion. For a person to respond to a Transformers film by attempting to pull out their eyes and chew on them is understandable. However, in preparing for Transformers 3, I must urge you to protect your eyes at all costs. We’re looking to find just the right level of head injury, not invalidate the integrity of Bay’s vision by robbing it of the full effect of its 3D.
Altered state of being
Under normal circumstances, I would happily endorse the mantra that ‘drug free is the way to be’, but these aren’t normal circumstances. There are 3D robots running around in cinemas all over the world. They’re from space, they’re part of a government cover-up involving the moon landing, and they think John Turturro is a bloody idiot. In other words, I strongly recommend you take as many drugs as you can get your hands on.
Alcohol will not do. Film as whooshy and wobbly as the prior Transformers test the resistance of the human stomach as it is, and this new one has brought 3D to the party. The audience will be confused enough without thinking they can smell the quality of the film in the form of the pungent aroma of regretful beer sick. Then there’s the laundry to think of. For god’s sake, won’t someone please think of the laundry?
If you don’t want to risk deadly, addictive narcotics, then you’re probably going to want to huff petrol fumes for the majority of the runtime. It would actually be quite handy to have something incredibly flammable to hand, too, in case you want to send the cinema up in flames rather than watch the camera loop-the-loop for the third consecutive time during an expository dialogue scene, as performed by an underwear model and a slick, young Hollywood go-getter caught in an endless cycle of dreadful films made by big name directors. As the novelisation of Transformers 2 was actually a book of matches, you might like to bring that with you.