Confused Views: Plan A

Matt’s in hiding this week, as his Den of Geek article on MMA wrestling comes to the attention of none other than The A-Team's B.A. Baracus. And he's not pleased...

“@MattEdwards83 Tell that dude who wrote that to kiss my BLACK ASS” – Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson, on Twitter as Rampage4real

Holy bloody whatsit! Have you seen the internet recently? You can find absolutely anything on there. It’s like the Yellow Pages, except that a kindly old gentleman probably wouldn’t know how to use it well enough to find a copy of Fly Fishing by JR Hartley. Plus short children can’t stand on it to kiss slightly less short children. For anyone confused, those are old telephone directory ads. You can probably find them and watch them on, you guessed it, the internet.

What can’t you do on the on the internet? I’ve shopped, made friends, gotten jobs, made professional connections, stayed in touch with people and had a series of often bizarre and disturbing opportunities arise as a result of things that have come up online.

If we ever get the time, I’ll tell you about one occasion where I found myself sitting in a pub in Hornsey with a sunken, grey-faced man talking about a job that turned out to be editing a very niche (and very legal) form of pornography.

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One of my favourite websites is the social networking site Twitter, which if you follow this column you’ll no doubt have worked out. However, in the last couple of weeks I’ve had some interactions on Twitter that have been… odd. The first started innocently enough, with me posting a thought about a TV show.

How will The One Show replace Christine Bleakley? Perhaps with a screen displaying a projected loop of war atrocities. Sort of like for like.

Perfectly reasonable. I was not expecting any kind of response from, what I can only assume after checking out her Twitter profile, an obsessive Christine Bleakley fan. I don’t know about you, but I find it a real struggle to accept that such a person could even exist, let alone set up a Twitter account to spread their passion for the duller-than-dust TV presenter. It’d be like having a day of celebration for luke-warm tea or holding a convention for the colour grey. The entire brief exchange followed as such:@kezzadee nothing and no one can replace her =/ <3

You’re right. She handles light current affairs issues in a way that a looped video of war atrocities never could.

@kezzadee hmmmm. i cant understand if your being nice about her or not LOL <3

I’m not. Sorry.

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@kezzadee ahh, well we all have our opinions i guess 🙂 <3

It was an odd exchange and, unusually for the internet, a polite one, too. Well, polite given that I did reference video footage of battlefield horrors on multiple occasions. Certainly more polite than the message I got from B.A. Baracus of The A-Team.

Now, I should highlight here that this was in response to something else. As far as I’m aware, B.A. Baracus is not a massive Christine Bleakley fan. I mean, he could be, but as far as I’m aware he isn’t. Also, it’s worth noting that it’s not really B.A. Baracus, who is a fictional character. It’s Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson, who plays B.A. Baracus in the new A-Team movie. So it’s not even Mr T.

This one all starts with me writing what I would call the closest thing I’ve ever written to a proper article. This piece on MMA fighters in the movies is more facty than my usual nonsense and features considerably fewer juvenile fart jokes. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that it’s the first thing I’ve written this year that doesn’t feature the word ‘bumcloud’ on multiple occasions.

I’m an MMA (cage-fighting, basically) fan and so figured that I would be able to offer a bit of information to people who might be interested after seeing that MMA fighters were going to be in The A-Team and The Expendables.

However, the Venn diagram of people who read this site and people who like MMA has a very small and sparsely populated overlap section. So to try to get a few reads for my only ever proper thing that I’d written, I Twittered about it using popular search tags. I figured that people searching for ‘UFC’ on Twitter might be interested in reading about some UFC fighters that are in films. One of the Tweets I posted said:

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An article about MMA fighters in movies, including @Rampage4real (link here)

Now, when I tagged it @rampage4real, I presumed that it might attract some of his fans. It didn’t occur to me that he would read it himself (otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything other than extravagant compliments as I’m more considerably more cowardly than I am professional).

That being said, I didn’t say anything particularly unpleasant about him. Being on a reality TV show has exposed some of Rampage’s less pleasant characteristics, and I did mention them. Fair’s fair, the guy came across as a bully and most of the people he coached lost in the first round. In the article I call him “a respected and dangerous fighter” and describe him as “one of the most charismatic and popular competitors in UFC.”

It’s not like I called the guy an untalented cockamajig whose fighting career is clearly in its twilight (which wouldn’t be true, I hasten to add). So you can imagine my surprise at being @’ed by the man himself.

@MattEdwards83 Tell that dude who wrote that to kiss my BLACK ASS

I had been charged with the unenviable task of telling myself to kiss a cage fighter’s black ass.

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As a result of writing the least offensive thing I ever have for this site, the A-Team are after me. Well, not the proper A-Team, the one with Liam Neeson in it.

Either way, I’ve now got to look over my shoulder at all times for blacked out vans with giveaway logos on the side. It’s a fucking nightmare.

As far as I can tell, my only chance is to try to fracture the group. I’ll be working on buddying up to Liam Neeson as I think he’s probably got the most influence over the other guys. My plan is to shower Neeson with Taken related compliments and to slowly win his trust. Then, I’ll use his influence to oust Rampage from the gang.

Ideally, I would step in and take his place. After all, I know all of the catch-phrases. ‘Flying? No way!’ ‘I feel a condescending sympathy towards the idiot!’

Of course, if that doesn’t work I’m just going to keep a low profile. After all, it could be worse. What if I’d been writing about super-heroes in films and Dr. Manhattan had told me to tell myself to kiss his BLUE ASS? I’d have risked radiation poisoning (although, without wishing to get into Watchmen spoilers, not really).

Look at all the trouble you can get into on the internet, though. Holy bloody whatsit!

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