Confused Views: Like Universal Studios, but more awesome and lucrative

Matt has a new get rich quick scheme: construct his own theme park. What could possibly go wrong there...

Theme parks are awesome. So are movies. So is being rich. So is being me.

I’ve decided to combine these four awesome things. I will become rich by opening a film-themed amusement park. It will be so awesome that it will make people say ‘cowabunga’ and it will make me so rich that I won’t care at all what people have to say, even if it is ‘cowabunga’. Fuck them.

It will have these attractions:

The Elephant Man Bumper Car Bonanza

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It’s a well documented fact that one in three people will be killed in a bumper car accident. That’s why you’ll sometimes see a sign on these attractions that says “no bumping”.

While the no bumping rule may be saving lives and, most importantly, big money lawsuits, it’s taken the fun out of what should be an anarchic enactment of all of your road rage fantasies come to life, shy of getting out of your car and beating that prick-faced dickbag with your steering wheel lock until he learns to turn his music down and use his god damn indicator properly. Or at least until the red mist fades and you’re left with blood on your hands crying ,”What have I done?” into the night.

At my theme park, rather than looking for ways to make you safer, which I honestly don’t care about at all, I’ll be looking for ways to make the rides more exciting, which should equate to me being richer. There’s a reason why I’ve chosen to theme the bumper cars after the film The Elephant Man: sack on the head.

The Elephant Man Bumper Car Bonanza is the world’s first attraction that requires you to put a bag over your head prior to strapping in. (Well, I say strapping in, but with that bag on your head you won’t be able to see exactly how thorough our ‘safety measures’ actually are.)

Then, we send you out in your cars. Bump away, if you can find anybody.  Also, chances are that you know someone who would benefit from wearing a bag on their head. This gives you an opportunity to delicately raise the subject without having to see their gruesome misshapen face contort in emotional pain. You’re welcome. Of course, you could always tell them over the telephone, but what am I, your life coach? Solve your own problems.

The Gran Torino Get Off My Lawnercoaster

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The difficulty in applying a theme to a rollercoaster is that, once the ride gets going, people tend to stop paying attention. Take the Saw ride at Thorpe Park. You stand for four-to-five working days in a Saw-themed queue, and you sit in a Saw-themed car, but then you’re spinning around like a tearful ten-year-old who’s just been told he’s ugly by his mother, had a sack put on his head and been sat behind the wheel of a bumper car.

Of course, although that’s hilarious to watch, it has very little to do with the Saw franchise.

So, in an effort to keep the movie fresh in your mind, we’ll still have the lengthy queue with Gran Torino related décor, and we’ll have rollercoaster cars that look the part.

How do you feel about sitting on Clint Eastwood’s grumpy elderly face? Uncomfortable, I’ll bet. Once you’re strapped in, you go for a slow-paced ride through his neighbourhood from the movie. Clint will give you a running commentary of what’s wrong with the area while telling you that should man up and stop being such a pussy about everything, and then the ride will start juddering up a hill, as all rollercoaster’s do before they send you tearing around the track.

Once you reach the summit, you look around and see your greatest fears realised. You’ve somehow ended up right outside Clint’s front porch. You hear a shotgun load and then the great man himself growls at you, “Get off my lawn!” And you do. You go rattling away from his lawn as fast you can. Then you get off the ride and remark to your friends that it was good, but not really worth the wait. But then what is?

Either way, no refunds.

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The Amazing, Unbelievable Buried Parade Spectacular

The most exciting two man parade you’ll see that doesn’t feature either Clint Eastwood cross-dressing or Clint Eastwood dressed as a woman, park guests will be able to enjoy this attraction every day at 12pm, 2pm and 4pm.

This is an idea that seems to raise a few questions, so allow me to take a moment to answer those questions for you.

Yes, there is a man in the box.

Yes, you can kick the box.

Yes, if for any reason he gets out of the box, you can kick the man from the box.

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Crash: A House Haunted By Racial Equality

There are two only things less subtle than a haunted house: me hiding behind a bin at a theme park entrance guffawing loudly at people willing to pay £60 to enter a hastily converted wasteland filled with poorly considered death traps, and the message at the centre of the movie, Crash.

Given the information you already have about my intentions for the rides here, you’d be forgiven for thinking that I was referring to David Cronenberg’s crash-bang-wallop movie from the nineties. You’d be forgiven, but you would also be wrong. So, you may want to put a sack on your head out of embarrassment. Sacks are available in the gift shop, along with other reasonably priced merchandise.

This haunted house will be themed after the Oscar baiting, Sandra Bullock starring drama from a few years ago that dared to tell us that racism was bad, before suggesting ‘Yeah, well, fuck you, because everyone is racist, including you, you racist son of a bitch.’

Perfect fodder for a haunted house, in other words.

The haunted house would mostly be ghosts acting out scenes from the movie while you sit in a rickety buggy nodding thoughtfully. Then you get taken past a load of mirrors and the ride projects a racist ghost into the reflection of your buggy, so it looks like it’s riding along between you and the person next to you. Spooky, no?

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Then the ghost disappears, and you realise that you were the racist one the whole time, or something. It really makes you think. Probably. I don’t know. I haven’t seen Crash in a while, but I think that was what it was about. Am I right?

Taxi Driver Park Monorail

Tired of walking from one end of the park to the other? Well, we’re tired of hearing you moan about it when it’s clear to everyone that you could use the exercise.

That’s why we’ll be running a monorail service around the park, but that’s also why your journey will feature narration from my own personal hero, Travis Bickle. He’s going to be hitting you with some pretty harsh truths, but it’s probably for the best that you hear them, and also that you put this sack over your face.

Last Snack Booth On The Left

Why not stop by and enjoy a fizzy brown hate pop and a squashed meat murder bite? And while you’re here, why not avenge the death of a loved one in as messy a fashion as possible? Perhaps with a chainsaw?

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Look, it may sound distasteful, but I needed a place for people to eat overpriced, under flavoured food-like products, and my only other idea was a Ninja Turtles-themed pizzeria based in their sewer lair.

If that sounds better to you, then you have underestimated how much realistic detail I had intended for the sewer setting to feature. The closest thing to real food in that place would have been the rats.

Die Hard: Yippee Kai-Yay, Zapper Blaster!

Because a family day out isn’t complete until you shoot someone in the face.

You remember the ride The Fifth Dimension at Chessington Park? Well, this would basically be that, but instead of seeing a giant pencil and then zapping The Gorgon, you’re trying to claw some of your money back and zap Bruce Willis.

The ride works like this: you and your fellow riders are masquerading as German terrorists, but really you’re trying to steal a shitload of money from my, by-now bulging bank account, which you will have contributed to with your in no way overpriced ticket, ‘food’ and assorted merchandise (who could resist my face on their mug?) purchases.

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You’ll be happily zapping away and working towards my precious, precious loot when Bruce Willis pops up and starts fucking up your day. He shoots at you and pummels your brother to death. You have until the rides end to try to zap Willis and make off with my beloved cash.

I would advise riders to really try to zap him, even though it’s impossible, as if you don’t, a burly ride attendant in a dirty vest will punch you in the face as you exit carefully to your right, taking all of your belongings with you.

You’ll be able purchase a picture of your nose being clobbered in at the gift shop in a variety of sizes, or perhaps as keyring or fridge magnet. Something to remember the day.

The Gone In Sixty Seconds Car Park Kerfuffle

Good luck getting home. We have stolen your car.

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