Confused Views: Letters to Jerry

Matt has, er, been trying to make friends with Jerry Bruckheimer. For some reason, Jerry hasn't been back in touch...

The Joker’s just a mad dog. I want whoever let him off the leash” –HarveyTwo-Face’ Dent, The Dark Knight

I first wrote to action movie producer Jerry Bruckheimer in 2003. The world was very different place back then. No one had an iPad, no one had a Facebook. Most importantly, Bad Boys 2 hadn’t even come yet. However, it was very much on the cards and so I decided to write a letter to a man I considered a hero of sorts. Here’s what I wrote.

Dear Jerry

How are you? Well, I hope. Things have been a little crazy with me. For one thing, I stubbed my toe. Anyway, enough about me.

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I’m really looking forward to Bad Boys 2! I’m such a big fan of the first one. I loved that bit where you had the big action set up and then Will Smith said that thing! Classic! How do you come up with this stuff? I’m interested to know how you come up with a lot of your ideas. Like in Beverley Hills Cop, how did you come up with Eddie Murphy? Some kind of Hollywood trickery, no doubt.

Anyway, I’d love to hear from you.

Take care

Matt

I had hoped this might be the start of a regular correspondence. Simply worded, I was in the market for a pen pal, and figured that the producer of Top Gun was probably the best place to start. But I was upset that he didn’t respond, and so it took a full year before I was ready to write to Jerry again.

By the time I did write to him again, I had fully forgiven him. After all, I’m sure he gets lots of fan mail and I had asked him some pretty challenging questions. I wasn’t ready to give up on him just yet, and so I wrote again in the summer of 2004.

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Dear Jerry

I wrote you, but you still ain’t calling. I left my cell, my pager and my home phone at the bottom. I suppose you were busy. Never mind.

I saw Bad Boys 2 last year and I was very impressed. I wish more filmmakers would take a leaf out of your book. When I go and see something by anyone else, it’s like ‘Enough plot, just blow something up already!’ You know? And so what if people say that you have a tiny, weird face, they’re just jealous.

I am very much looking forward to seeing King Arthur. Looks like a smash hit to me! Do you have anything in mind for a sequel? Something tells me people are going to want more of that one. I smell a franchise. If you’re short on ideas then I had thought of a film involving King Arthur having to fight his way along a rainbow to rescue a maiden. Along the way he finds a sword where the handle is made of unicorn horn and the blade is made of a type of steel that is from the past and is magic. Let me know if you want to know more. I’ve got pictures.

You’ve made some amazing films and worked with the best actors in the world. Is Tom Cruise as butch and manly in real life as he is on the screen? He seems like one tough cookie that you wouldn’t want to mess with.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Write back this time or I’m going to kill myself! Just kidding, but if you do want to write that would be good.

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All the best

Matt

When he didn’t write back to me this time, I got the message. He didn’t want to talk to me. I’ve still kept up with his excellent films, as well as those of his gifted protégé, Michael Bay. But all hope I had of having a personal relationship with Jerry Bruckheimer had vanished.

Then, just last week, fellow Den Of Geek-er Carley Tauchert sent me a link on the social networking site Twitter to Jerry Bruckheimer’s account. Now I can publicly send messages to the man who unleashed Michael Bay on the world. And I have been. So far, I’ve sent him these messages:

MattEdwards83: Hey, @BruckheimerJB. How did you get the gerbils in G-Force to do all of those awesome stunts?

MattEdwards83: Hey @BruckheimerJB. I haven’t seen Confessions of a Shopaholic. What does she confess to? Is it murder?

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MattEdwards83: Hey, @BruckheimerJB. Is that you in this picture with Michael Bay?

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However, frustratingly, he hasn’t had seen fit to answer any of my questions. I have a feeling that maybe I’m just not asking the right things. So I’ve put together a list of other questions that I’d quite like to know the answers to, and am hoping that readers of this column can help me about by telling me which ones are most likely to get an answer from Jerry. I just want some acknowledgement and maybe an insight into how he works. Anyway, this is what I have:

Do you write your films or make them up as you go along?

In Pirates Of The Caribbean, is Johnny Depp wearing an authentic pirate eyepatch?

In Bad Boys, what’s Martin Lawrence for? Also, in general, what’s Martin Lawrence for?

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Bad Boys 2 is considerably more ‘off the chain’ than Bad Boys. Did you make it that way on purpose?

Do you find working with planes as exciting as Michael Bay clearly does?

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I missed the last minute of Gone In 60 Seconds. What happens?

I just watched Armageddon. What?

If Con Air was a real airline, do you think they would show Con Air as the in-flight movie?

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I think Coolio should have won Best Actor Oscar for Dangerous Minds. Agree?

Is Pearl Harbour historically accurate? If so I aced my history test today!

Are they doing a game based on Prince Of Persia? I don’t see how it would translate.

What was the name of that film you made about the Titans? I haven’t seen it in a while, but I think I liked it.

Did you realise when you were making Coyote Ugly that the girls in it were actually not ugly at all, or was it a goof?

Is it true that Michael Bay refuses to direct unless he can carry at least one banana at all times during production?

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Some of my friends say I should see Swing Vote but the exact same amount say I shouldn’t. Should I?

Is it true that you designed and programmed Michael Bay?

Will Bad Boys 3 still have lots explosive action and cheeky quips, or are you thinking of going another direction? Maybe a werewolf movie?

I’ve been talking to you for a while now. Is it okay for me to tell people that we’re friends?

Is the explosion in Bad Boys 2 played by the fire cloud from Con Air? It looks so familiar!

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Is this bananecklace further proof of Bay’s on-set banana fetish?

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Any advice would be appreciated. Of course, you could ask him any of your own questions on Twitter by addressing your tweets to @BruckheimerJB . No matter how ridiculous your enquiry might be, I’m sure Jerry will be only too happy to hear from you.