After my relationship with pen pal and soul mate Jerry Bruckheimer fell apart, I gave up on friendship. There was no one to blame – sometimes these things just don’t work out.
That being said, I gave him everything I had to give. I expressed the fiercely burning passion of my soul to him, and in response he accused me of “Attempting to gain access to his house while disguised as an army general”, like that’s some kind of crime.
Perhaps because his eyes, much like all of his facial features, are so small, he was unable to see true friendship. Jerry and I don’t talk anymore, and that hurts a lot.
I decided I would spend the rest of my life completely alone, with only my wife, children and friends for company. But that’s no life for a man like me. I needed a special friend who could speak to me through the medium of cinema, and also by email. I needed someone who would respond to my love positively, and would love me in return. I needed someone who hadn’t had their heart broken by Michael Bay. I needed someone who needed me.
That’s when I started noticing the articles popping up. Star Wars was coming out on Blu-ray, and people weren’t happy. The films had been slightly altered, and people who don’t know what breasts feel like were concerned that they wouldn’t be able to enjoy the consolation prize life had given them anymore. The man they were angry with was George Lucas. George didn’t seem to have a friend in the world.
I emailed him because I felt ready. This is what happened.
Sent: 8.59am Thursday 1st September 2011
I hope this email finds you well. I suspect that if we were having an in-person conversation, this is where you would tell me you were fine and ask me how I’m doing. However, this is an email, and so I don’t have to answer that. Mind your own business.
More importantly, George, I know that you’re not fine. How could you be? People on the Internet can be so cruel. I once waged a campaign of online hate against Jerry Bruckheimer based entirely on a whim and a looming deadline, for example. There’s no way you aren’t feeling hurt by some of the things people have been saying about you.
In case you haven’t read them, people are calling you things like “Bollock-headed beardo monkey”, “Money-grabbing bum-pincher” and, perhaps most hurtfully, “A constantly tinkering idiot with a face like a Jawa’s tissue”. I’m here to offer you support and friendship.
Recently, I’ve been watching the new animated series of Scooby Doo, called Scooby Doo – Mystery Incorporated. Have you seen it? It’s really brilliant. Aside from having excellent animation and a terrific voice cast (including Matthew Lillard, reprising his role from the live action films to voice a shaggy-looking character called Shaggy), the series manages to pay respectful homage to the original while doing its own, new thing.
It’s very impressive television. If I’d seen the Clone Wars TV series, I would certainly compare them. Unfortunately I haven’t and so I can’t.Anyway, it’s been great to speak to you, George. Give me a shout if there’s anything I can do for you during this difficult time. And be sure to check out that Scooby Doo program.
Your good friend
Matt ‘the big cat’ Edwards
Sent: 9.03am Thursday 1st September 2011
Dear Mr. Edwards
We thank you for your enquiry. We at Lucasfilm are always pleased to hear from fans, and we’re glad that you’re looking forward to the Blu-ray release of the Star Wars films. We really think that this package is something special, and hope that you enjoy experiencing the movies in high definition.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that, although he is the father figure of the Lucasfilm family, when you click the ‘contact us’ button on our website, your email does not go straight through to George Lucas. He’s a very busy man, and is unable to respond to all emails personally. However, I will attempt to answer your questions on his behalf and hope that will be satisfactory.
“I hope this email finds you well”
Mr Lucas is very well.
“Have you seen the new series of Scooby Dooby Doo?”
Mr Lucas has seen it, and thinks that you’re right, it’s a great series. He thinks that Scooby represents wholesome family entertainment, and that the dog is just so gosh darn funny. It’s a little known fact that the character was actually inspired by Jar Jar Binks.
“…Of course, it doesn’t compare favorably with Clone Wars, but what does?”
Ha! Clone Wars is a great series, I agree.
“…people are calling you things like “Noodle-headed rascal”, “Financially astute rapscallion”, and, perhaps most hurtfully, “A constantly tinkering idiot with a face like an Adawan’s tissue.”
I would be interested to see the articles the quotes you gave come from. Hey, do you remember when Uwe Boll boxed his critics? It would be awesome if George did that. People don’t realise it, but George is actually really strong.
Even though Harrison Ford takes all the credit, the tough, cool part about Indiana Jones is actually based on George Lucas. So, if you think George Lucas isn’t tough, you have to ask yourself, is Indiana Jones tough? Because they’re basically the same person.
Those Internet guys should be careful what they write about George, because he could totally beat them up if he wanted to.
Lucasfilm Customer Services
Sent: 3.47pm Thursday 1st September 2011
Hi ‘John’ 😉
Thanks for your response.
With regards to which articles those quotes came from; none in particular. I am pretty sure that’s what people are saying, though. I didn’t realise I was supposed to be specific. I’m sure you are very tough, even if you do look like you’d struggle in a fistfight with Natalie Portman (which, according to the Internet, you did).
I’m glad to see that you’re in good spirits. Sometimes life can be difficult for people like you and me – perfectionists. We have methods that no one else understands. You, for example, have been trying to make Star Wars perfect for years. You’ve adjusted, fiddled, tampered and walloped the film about, all in the name of perfection. Well, that and in an attempt to legitimatise the prequels, but whatevs.
My quest for perfection often involves me procrastinating until I’m almost at the deadline for an article, then turning in any old tat. We carry a similar cross – that’s why we have such a strong connection.Anyway, I know that the release of the Blu-rays is very close, but I wanted to suggest that you make a further change.
I know it’s something you’ve probably considered before. Indeed, it’s often discussed as a glaring omission by many fans. I’m talking, of course, about Ewok scrotums. I hope you will have time to correct this anatomic Ewok kerfuffle before the release of the films. (I also think that eventually we might like to consider Wookie nipples, but as of right now, I suspect society isn’t ready).
If there’s no time before this release, there’s always the 3D cinema releases. I have another suggestion for the 3D release – as well as the films being in 3D, you could also make it sound in more dimensions. I’m not sure exactly how that would work from a technical point of view, but it’s something for you to think about.
See ya, best pal
Matt ‘just like that’ Edwards
Sent: 3.49pm Thursday 1st September 2011
Thanks for your follow up email. I must stress again – I am not George Lucas. However, I will attempt to answer your points.
“It’s clear that you are very tough, and you certainly don’t look like you’d struggle in a fistfight with Natalie Portman (although, according to the Internet, you did).”
Would you be able to send me a link to where you’ve read this? I’m not angry, I just think it’s funny. If only they knew! The truth of the matter is that George had a very difficult time being on set with Natalie. Not because they didn’t get on, but because she fell in love with him.
She was constantly throwing herself at him, and she would try to get at him any way she could – emotional blackmail, sexual advancements, merchandising rights. At the end of the day, the Lucas-dog doesn’t mix business with ladies, yo.
That’s the thing people never got about Harrison Ford. Oh sure, he’s handsome in a conventional way, if you’re into that sort of thing. But George is handsome in a more real way. George always had first pick of the ladies on the set of the Star Wars movies. Also, without wishing to get too graphic, George based the length of the Lightsabre on his penis.
Seriously, Harrison Ford had better watch his ass, or the next CG alteration will involve his stupid face.
“You, for example, have been trying to make Star Wars perfect for years, and it seems that this time you’ve finally succeeded.”
Well, you’re very kind to say. George doesn’t believe it’s possible for a perfect film to exist, but if anyone is capable of creating six of them, it’s him.
“Have you considered adding anything to the Ewoks?”
Well, George has always been somewhat dissatisfied with the appearance of the Ewoks. They’re missing… something. He’s been playing with the design recently, and he’s come up with something he’s calling a nutsack, which is similar to where most men would keep their testicles. The decision was made not to include it in this release, as we wouldn’t have left time to produce merchandise. After all – who wouldn’t want an Ewok ball-bag bean-bag?
“Some nonsense about 3D sound.”
I have no idea what you’re talking about here.
Great to here from ya’, pal.
Sent: 6.32pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
Good to hear from you again. Regarding the Natalie Portman thing, I can’t remember where/if I read it. Honestly, I think Portman may have been shit-talking you in a pub or something.
Lots of interesting points you’ve made in your email, I suppose. Honestly, I think you’re dismissing the sound thing out of a lack of imagination on your part, but that’s up to you. Also, you appear to have stolen my Ewok-groin idea.
Anyway, like I said, it’s been great talking to you.
Matt ‘that’s the end of the chat’ EdwardsSent: 6.32pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
Hey Matt ‘let’s continue the chat’ Edwards
What are you up to? Want to get coffee?Sent: 6.35pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
Not unless I’ll be getting furry little Ewok balls on my Star Wars Blu-rays.
Matt ‘go fuck yourself’ Edwards
Sent: 6.36pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
I had a great time getting coffee with you.
Sent: 6.35pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
What are you talking about? We didn’t meet for coffee. I hate you. You and Jerry Bruckheimer – you’re both the same! The new Scooby Doo is way better than Clone Wars, and Harrison Ford is more universally loved than you.
Leave me alone. I’ve spoken to Steven Spielberg, and he says he’s gonna slap you about.
Matt ‘I love Scooby Doo more than I love you’ Edwards
Sent: 6.42pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
I’ve just spoken to Steven and he said he won’t slap me about. Honestly, if Indy 4 didn’t make him assault me, nothing will. Also, I’ve never seen the new Scooby Doo and don’t care about it. Please stop referencing it.
GeorgeSent: 6.44pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
Ha – I knew it was you all along!
Sent: 6.45pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
P.S. I’m still up for that coffee if you are.Sent: 6.46 pm Saturday 3rd September 2011
Yeah, why not? Be over in 15.