“Let me make something clear to you. He doesn’t have a name. He has a program.” – Bob Morton, RoboCop
“Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law, and keep an eye on World Cup referees.” – RoboCop, RoboCop
The bloody World Cup! That bastard referee ruined it for England! We could have been the fucking world champions! Bloody bastard fuck!
Any of you who have been watching the World Cup will be aware that England were recently stuffed by Germany in a match where they were the victims of a shocking refereeing decision. The official and his linesman failed to notice that the ball had crossed the German goal line, and effectively cost England a valuable goal that could have affected the match in ways that only Doctor Who could explain.
Some people might argue that England were awful, and regardless of the goal that never was, were rightfully thrashed by a better team. Some people might argue that, I don’t know. I’ve been deafened by my own rage at the injustice of it all and so haven’t been able to hear.
You know who else hates injustice as much as I do? The Punisher. It was this train of thought that led me to come up with an idea that would fix modern football. This way we won’t need goal-line technology so as to risk slowing the game down.
Simply, The Punisher watches the game, and if he sees any injustice, he drives his motorcycle onto the pitch and opens fire on the appropriate party with a machine gun from point blank range. Play doesn’t stop, and no one is allowed to clear away the body.
In the case of it being a referee, as would have happened on Sunday, then a spare ref will always be in waiting.
I can’t imagine that this wouldn’t see an end to nearly all football cheating. Ronaldo dives for a penalty? Well, I hope he had decent life insurance, because Frank Castle looks absolutely seething. Chunks of grass are being pelted through the air as his bike churns up the playing surface, but no one dares complain.
Ronaldo drops to his knees and tearfully begs for his life. The Punisher knows no mercy. He pulls out a shotgun the size of your arm, sticks it in Ronaldo’s mouth until it touches the back of his throat and he gags. The Punisher pulls the trigger. Justice served.
Although this does raise a question or two of its own. Should we give The Punisher access to video replays, the type we’re trying to avoid as they slow down the matches?
However, this problem is easily solved. He’s violent, unbalanced and heavily armed. Just give him whatever he wants and don’t ever look him in the eye.
So that’s football sorted out. But you know where else we could use some uncompromising and brutally administered justice? Everywhere. Seriously, have a little look around and try to keep up with the awfulness. It’s impossible.
Simply worded, the world has never been in greater need of RoboCop.
We already know how RoboCop deals with murderers, rapists, disgruntled politicians with hostages and people who had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake. We saw all of that in the film. I say the film because I’m not counting the sequels. Or the TV series. Or the cartoon. Or the comics. Or his little-seen adventures as an action figure in my room when I was nine.
Anyway, what I’m interested in is how RoboCop would deal with some of the more modern problems the police find themselves dealing with.
There are gangs of amoral, aggressive ultra-gits on just about every street corner (probably, although I can see no sign of them. But, for the sake of the column, let’s all just go with it.) that could do with a RoboCop to take care of them. He might be particularly useful when dealing with teenagers, who have now worked out that the social stigma attached to defending yourself against a teenager means that you are essentially defenceless against them.
Unless, of course, you know only your programming and the very idea of being socially ostracized is a meaningless concept to you. Let’s see how many camera-phone happy slap videos appear on YouTube after a couple are prematurely ended by a mechanical punch through the chest or face-exploding gun blast.
Of course, having been programmed to work for the police, there’s a decent chance that he’d be set with taking out the dangerous evil-doers who pose the most serious threat to the well-being of our society.
I am talking, of course, about filesharers. As he’s part computer, he might be able to work out where these sub-human leeches are, using an online mainframe reconfigurationulator, or some such.
From there, I’m suggesting execution without trial. The only reasonable punishment for petty theft.
Then, once the filesharers are gone, we move onto the other, really serious offenders, like World Cup referees who don’t allow clearly valid goals. We’ll have society cleared up in no time.
In an effort to help RoboCop, I’m also going to propose a massive load of Robocommunity Support Officers. They would come with fitted printers so they can issue on the spot ASBOs to litterbugs and spitting Sallys. They wouldn’t be allowed to kill, because they’re not full police officers and they’re dealing with more minor infractions, but I see no reason why they can’t be doing a little bit of maiming in the name of the law.
Of course, if The Dark Knight has taught us nothing else, it’s that villains will step up to the challenge of an effective and violent hero. The only counterbalance I can think of to having blood-drenched death-robot/human hybrids patrolling our streets is a squadron of evil Terminators.
So, with the best of intentions, in my attempts to clean up our streets I’ve started a war between RoboCops and Terminators. Shit.
All of this is presuming they don’t decide we’re the enemy and team up against us, which seems a very real possibility. I mean, the Terminators were able to do all sorts of cool things. Maybe they’d be able to turn our robot police force against us too.
I think it’s probably best that we just stick with things the way they are and accept that we’re out of the World Cup.
I mean, Germany were better than us anyway.