Confused views: Human Centipede sequels the BBFC might like

If the BBFC doesn't want the take on The Human Centipede 2 that director Tom Six has prepared, how about letting Matt Edwards have a go?

Not long ago now, I prepared a reboot for the comedy franchise Meet The Parents. I planned an entire new trilogy that would have taken the series to a completely different level. Not necessarily a higher level, but a certainly a very different one My pitch was not met enthusiastically.

“We would start with Meet the Fucking Parents!” I told them, pointing to a pie chart I had prepared which showed some interesting data. “Then you have the first sequel, Meet My Parents: The Bruckheimers!.Then, just when people start to think ‘oh, we’ve met both sets of parents, what more could they possibly show us?’ we hit him them with a third movie: We’ve Shit Out Some Bastard Children!

The room was silent. They exchanged awkward glances. One executive cleared his throat and straightened his tie. I was sure I had blown them away; I was wrong. Finally, one of them spoke.

“Look, the thing is, this whole series is based around how funny it is when it sounds like someone is swearing, but they’re not. Here, you’re actually swearing. I don’t think our audience is ready for that.”

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“It’s too extreme?” I asked, starting to realise that the looks they had been exchanging were a wordless communication, not wanting to break the news to me that they didn’t like my ideas.

“Well, it’s not like it would be banned or refused certification or anything, but for our franchise, yes, this is too extreme. Also, we don’t know who you are. We were trying to have a meeting here, and you just barged in. We’ve really only been letting you talk because we were worried you might hurt someone and security hadn’t arrived yet. I mean, you’re not wearing anything. Didn’t you notice the awkward looks you were getting?”

Anyway, some tasering went on and we all went our separate way.

The reason I bring this up now is, with the Human Centipede 2 being refused certification, my skills at coming up with extreme versions of things that are not so extreme that they get banned are needed. Here are some Human Centipede sequel ideas that would have delighted audiences and the British Board of Film Classification alike.

Exactly the same, but with a big name directorA big name is a good way of getting anything done. If you’re, for example, James Cameron, you can use the success of Avatar to get a film like Sanctum 3D made. As anyone who saw Sanctum 3D will tell you, no one saw Sanctum 3D. But the point is this; you can walk into a shop and buy Sanctum 3D and you can’t buy Human Centipede 2, even if no one is actually buying either of them. No matter how extreme the content of the film is, it’s hard to imagine that the BBFC would want to tangle with a financial juggernaut like James Cameron.

I also suspect it wouldn’t have hurt the financial performance of the film if director Tom Six had made his human centipede blue. With James Cameron’s name and blue characters, people would have thought it was an Avatar spin-off. In order to match the pacing of Avatar, they could simply play the film through twice, making it much too long and adding no extra story.

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So, James Cameron presents The Blueman Centipede. Starring the Blue Man Group. With a nod to Arrested Development.

An action bonanza

In the spirit of ripping off James Cameron, I originally intended to suggest that we follow up with a sequel called Human Centipedes. But that was never going to be extreme enough. Not when you could have Human Centipede vs Predator. Imagine: if the human centipede won, the warped doctor could create a Predator centipede. Then blow it up. While masturbating at it!

The immediate problem suggested by this idea is that it seems unlikely that the Predator would have much trouble turning the human centipede into a large, fleshy puddle of disgustin. However, in the last ten years or so, the Predator has been looking like a bigger pussy than his own face. In Predators, they struggled to kill the gaunt looking kid from That 70s Show. That guy looks like he would struggle to beat himself off, but apparently he can handle a pack of Predator warriors while doing his morning sudoku.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the new Predator armour features a moisturising spray dispenser because the most vicious killers in the universe are now worried about having dry skin. If Arnold Schwarznegger met one of these modern Predators, he wouldn’t go Dutch on it, he’d hire it as a maid and impregnate it.

Another potential action direction for the Human Centipede franchise would be to bring together some of the biggest names in action cinema. Literally bring them together. In The Excretables we sew Dolph Lundgren to Sylvester Stallone to Hulk Hogan to Chuck Norris to Jason Statham, give them guns and drop them into Libya. Good luck, fellas.

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Stallone is such a wonderful actor that I bet his dialogue would be as clear and understandable as ever, even with another man’s anus doing all it can to muffle it. Jason Statham would have to be at the front of the centipede as he won’t take shit from anyone! Hahahaha. No, seriously though, we can juggle the order around if you particularly want to see Hulk Hogan fart into Jason Statham’s mouth. I don’t mind. Go for it, if that’s what you fancy.A challenging dramaI’m thinking specifically we adapt a classic. We take a brilliant concept and we give it that human centipede spin. Human Centipede 2 – 12 Angry Men. Because what would make twelve men angrier than sewing them into a bottom? Well, maybe jury duty or racial inequality.

Much like the original film/play, we can make a strong social statement in this film, as the racist jurors find their voices silenced by the justice of the human colon. How rarely in life we’re afforded the opportunity to literally shit down the throat of racism. The whole film series could be steered in this direction, confronting social issues. The next obvious issue would be recycling.

Of course, if you really want to make any money on a film, you’ve got to use the vampires. The kids love the vampires. Based on the Twilight series, I’m planning a human centipede that goes vampire-werewolf-vampire. The werewolf transformations will be something to see. The film The Human Centipede depicts all of the centipede participants as being shirtless, so that works. I’m not sure how someone in the middle of human centipede can look brooding or sigh forlornly, but those are minor obstacles on the course to a billion dollar 18 certificate film.

If none of these take your fancy, then we can consider The Human Centipede’s Bogus Journey, You’ve Got Chainmail, Harry Potter and the Enchanted Shit-Eating Grin and How To Train Your Human Centipede.

I’ll sort us out a Human Centipede sequel in England if it kills me!

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