Confused Views: Dyer Dyer pants on fire

Could Mr. Danny Dyer be the solution to the cinematic summer malaise of 2010...

Danny Dyer

The summer is a strange time for cinema releases. Millions of people duck out of the hot weather they’ve been desperate for all year to go and see films that are so stupid the average four-year-old would fling their Capri Sun at the screen in annoyance at being treated like an idiot. That’s assuming, of course, that I haven’t already started flinging four-year-olds at the screen in annoyance of how stupid the film is and about how much pissing noise they’re making. Bloody four-year-olds. What are they doing in a 12a anyway? 

One place where I’m generally safe from toddlers is in the theaters screening horror films. It seems an odd time to release a horror movie, given that it’s a release spot that generally proves to be box office poison (see Drag Me To Hell, Hostel 2). But every year some studio or another thinks they’ve got the perfect horror movie for the summer season and so I get some respite. Of course, now all horror films are 15s, so you still have to deal with gangs of heavily armed teenagers. In fact, I’m convinced that one day I will be stabbed to death by a gang of schoolboys for politely asking them to stop setting fire to my face. I live in constant fear. 

So far this summer we’ve had Drag Me To Hell, which was brilliant but bizarrely marketed as a straight horror rather than a knockabout slapstick horror. By the time you read this, a remake of Last House On The Left will have been wheeled out for your viewing pleasure. Nothing screams fun summer outing more than a rape-revenge exploitation movie revamped for the MTV generation. I bet it’s entirely scored by The Black Eyed Peas (which might actually be a step up from the score on the original). 

Perhaps the most exciting horror prospect this summer, though, is Doghouse. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking ‘Matt, you ignorant slut. Surely no one has even the slightest interest in Doghouse at the minute, not when we can still smell the failure of Transformers 2‘. But what you’ve obviously missed is that Doghouse stars Danny Dyer. 

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I’m sure we can all agree that Danny Dyer has been missing from our screens for far too long, however long it has been. His last big screen outing, whatever that was, was brilliant. The character he played was the highlight of the film, whoever he was. I think we can all agree that Danny Dyer is brilliant at what he does, whatever that is. The message I’m trying to put across is this: we’re not getting enough Danny Dyer as it is. When we have to go a whole Dyer-less summer because we were distracted by that awful Wolverine movie, something clearly needs to be done. 

I will not sit idly by and let this happen again next year. Especially because, all joking aside, he does seem like a genuinely nice chap. So what I’ve done is this: I’ve put together a list of possible projects for Danny Dyer. If he can get cracking on this list now, we should have an entire summer chock-a-block full of dire, sorry, Dyer entertainment.  

SpiderblokeIn which Dyer portrays a low-level debt collector for London’s top gangster. Of course, he’s only doing it because he desperately needs the money for his family and really he’s got a heart of gold. When smashing up a scientist’s lab because he owes fourteen large (however much that is), Dyer accidentally mistakes a can of experimental spider mutant compound for tin of Special Brew. He downs it and then develops arachnid-like super-powers. He then puts them to use by taking on his gangster boss. 

Britain’s Most Charismatic Violent CriminalsIn which Danny Dyer tours the country meeting violent gang members so they can tell us about all of the horrific things they’ve done, and we’ll sort of like them for it. Just remember, “He was being a bit cheeky so I had to take him outside and give him a slap” actually means “He looked at me funny so me and my friends sawed his face off using sieve and an orange”.  

Shaggin’ In TownA british version of Sex And The City, in which Dyer and a couple of friends shop for trainers and tracksuits. They also sit around and make lewd sexual comments about ‘slags and that’, but never have any frank discussion about their real sex lives because they don’t want to seem gay. Would ideally screen immediately before or after Match Of The Day

Cars What Turn Into Robots And Have A Great Big Fucking Dust-UpHow much better would Transformers have been if, instead of Shia Labeouf running around with them, they’d been relying on the help of a cockney wideboy played by Dyer? Well, almost no better. But one man’s ‘almost no better’ is another man’s ‘a little bit better’ and so it’d be irresponsible not to at least mention this. Perhaps he could have an iPhone robot that turns into ASBObot. 

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BastardsFriends, as adapted for Danny Dyer. I have no idea how it would go, but it would definitely involve him smashing up a coffee shop at some point.

If none of these tickle your fancy, I also have some reality shows for him (Britain’s Got Sociopaths, Hooligans On Ice, Britain’s Next Top Firm) and a spin-off from Noel Edmond’s Deal Or No Deal (Deal or Do I Have To Break Your Legs).

And if this still isn’t enough then you’ll have to come up with your own ideas. Take ‘em to the comments section.