Confused Views: A pack of knickers

Following a week of weird Hollywood news, Matt ponders the future of Edward Norton and Mel Gibson in his latest column...

Mel Gibson via South Park

“So, you’ve led me here to your secret base, huh? I guess now you’re going to start torturing me. Ah! Oh, my nipples are so tender, don’t squeeze them anymore!”  – Mel Gibson, South Park: The Passion Of The Jew

“Now I’m gonna start my own church. Do you know why? So I can play banjo!” –  Mel Gibson, South Park: The Passion Of The Jew

“Kablah!” – Mel Gibson, South Park: The Passion Of The Jew

Has anyone seen Hollywood recently? Usually there’s a smog of grimness that hangs over the place. You can genuinely see it. The air there is thick and it’s unpleasant to breathe.

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However, in the last week that smog has been replaced by an electric pink cloud of madness that has settled over Tinsel Town.

The support band for today’s show will be The Edward Norton/Marvel Fiasco, who will be doing a quick set comprised of songs from their new album. Then the headlining act comes on and we can all enjoy The Mel Gibson Meltdown Extravaganza 2010. Be sure to pick up a T-shirt and a programme from the merch booth.

So, Marvel has dropped Edward Norton from The Avengers and announced to the world that they were doing so in statement so snotty it was visibly streaked with bogeys. Norton made a less snotty response, blew his nose and then made a pleasant and entirely phlegm-free statement.

Now, let’s start by saying that Marvel has been a dick here. It’s known that Edward Norton can be problematic, and so it could have put something out that simply said he wasn’t going to be back and people would have naturally assumed it was to do with him acting like a bum biscuit.

By acting like bum biscuits themselves, they have raised suspicions that perhaps there might be a whole packet of bum biscuits involved in this situation.

Let’s be fair to Edward Norton’s reputation, though. He hasn’t spent years cultivating an image as a pretentious bell-end whose estimation of his talent isn’t quite in line with reality only for us to suddenly start calling him a cool guy. It’s not fair on him. I think the best way to consider this is as a real life version of Clash Of The Titans, except that instead of titans clashing, it’s assholes.

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Of course, there’s still no word on whether they’ll be bringing Liv Tyler back. Fingers crossed.

Now onto the question that’s been on everyone’s mind ever since those audio recordings of Mel Gibson leaked online: what the shit, Mel?

Mel Gibson crucified his career a few years ago by making some remarks about Jewish people and people with “sugartits”. Both groups were upset, and for a while it seemed that Mel would never recover.

However, he stayed out of the public eye and stepped behind the camera, directing The Passion Of The Christ (think the Bible meets Hostel) and Apocalypto (think Weekend At Bernie’s meets Weekend At Bernie’s 2) and slowly eased his way back into starring roles. It took a miracle, but Mel successfully resurrected his career.

Of course, it appears it was only a fleeting reappearance, and that now he’s gone for good. He’s not coming back this time, so we’ll have to keep his name alive by ensuring future generations watch the first two Lethal Weapon films. Maybe we’ll pick one day a week and all get together to watch them.

It would be easy to sit here making jokes about Mel at the moment, or even to tut loudly about his apparent threats to murder his wife. However, I don’t like to dwell on the past. I want to focus on the future. What does the future hold for Mel?

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If I had any say in the matter, Mel would embrace this new image as a fruitcake. Fighting it would be futile, so why not have some fun?

He could start immediately by flinging handfuls of his own faeces at the reporters who are, no doubt, gathered outside of his home. I would also suggest denying the existence of clocks and carrying around a wheel of Edam, referring to it as Danny Glover. Then he should put a video on YouTube of himself trying to register his own anus to vote under the name ‘The Thunderdome‘.

If I had my way, Mel would attend the premiere of his next film, The Beaver, which I’ll be moving onto shortly. He would turn up dressed in a brand new tuxedo, expensive shirt, bow tie and with his hair nicely done. He would be naked from the waist down. He would speak to reporters, but refuse to speak about anything other than the leaked recordings of his rants.

Then, mid-interview, he would lay down flat in the centre of the red carpet, raise his hips and then start rotating them in a clockwise direction, thus wind-milling his cock around. He would insist that he is a helicopter and that he’s flying to Baltimore for the winter. When he failed to take off, he would stand on his hands, insist that he was flying, and retreat down the red carpet. He would make his escape on the back of a horse that had a horn stuck on its head to make it look like a unicorn.

Maybe that’s a bit specific, but what I mean is I find it difficult to enjoy Mel Gibson as a violent misogynist and a racist. If he could swap those over for a wilful detachment from reality and non-sexualised public genital play, I might be willing to get on board.

So, that’s Mel sorted, but where does this leave The Beaver? The IMDB lists its release date as 2010, but I can’t help but suspect that won’t prove to be the case. Simply worded, that movie is fucked. No one is going to be going to see a new Mel Gibson movie. It’s a shame, too, because it sounded pretty decent. Directed by Jodie Foster, it stars Mel Gibson as an executive who loses his mind and will only communicate through a beaver hand puppet.

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Of course, if the studio is astute, they can still turn this into a win. If Mel Gibson won’t embrace his new public image, the marketing for this film certainly should. They should use clips of the audio leaks in the trailer:

‘You thought Mel Gibson was crazy…’

My soul is screaming because you don’t have one to join mine

‘…well, you were right…’

I’ll put you in a fucking rose garden, you c**t. You understand that? Because I’m capable of it.

‘…but you don’t know the half of it!’

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You make me wanna smoke!

‘The Beaver. Coming to a theatre near you!’

Fuck it, market the film as a documentary. I mean, they could try to hold it back until this whole thing has blown over, but I really don’t think Mel Gibson is ever coming back. I can see this film going straight to DVD, lest my advice be heeded.

So, there was no real point to this week’s column, which makes it tough to conclude. How about we just finish on this: Mel Gibson is a prick. I mean, assuming that it doesn’t turn out that it’s not him on the tapes. I mean if, after this whole column, it turns out to be a hoax, there’ll be egg on my face.