Confused Views: A bunch of tearful Henrys

As usual, not for the easily offended. Matt lets rip at True Blood, the Couples Retreat trailer and Halloween 2...

Just to be clear again, Matt’s Confused Views is not a column for the easily offended! You enter at your own risk…

Normally with Confused Views I like to give you some bookends to hold the article in. A little setup at the beginning that I bring up again at the end. Either that or some kind of odd story or idea to gently ease us into whatever important topic is being tackled, which is usually some kind of whinging about films or a dissection of what Michael Bay’s farts smell like. Well, we’ve got too much to get through today, so there isn’t time for anything like that. If you feel let down or disappointed, you have three options, as far as I can tell.

  1. You write a letter to your local MP explaining what’s happened and why you’re so upset.
  2. You make up your own introduction and pretend that it’s part of the article. If you like the column, you could make up a really good one. If you don’t like the column, fuck off and read something else.
  3. You cry for an hour and then get over it.
  4. You accept this blurb about not having an introduction as the introduction, especially as it’s twice as long as the actual introductions usually are. Then you learn how to count.

Let’s get straight to it, then. Hip new vampire drama True Blood started on Channel 4 last week. Having heard the buzz around it, I thought I’d give it a go. I mean, sex, violence and vampires; what could go wrong? Well, a lot, apparently, because the first episode of True Blood is a tall, tepid tumbler of tedious. It’s just The OC, but with boobs, bad language and bizarre accents. My girlfriend described the show as “like Twilight, but not as good”. Hateful, in other words.

The cast are so pretty I had to watch it with a bag over my head, with little eye-holes cut out so I could see nothing much happening at all. Not only are they nearly all chiselled sparkly TV people, but they seem to be playing the same character. I don’t understand it. This is an HBO produced TV series with a decent buzz. It shouldn’t be awful. People need to stop recommending this nonsense because they’re making God angry. In fact, you should be aware that every time you encourage someone to watch True Blood a nun’s hymen dissolves and the devil claims her soul. Probably.

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We’ll be moving into the cinema now and on to Halloween 2 shortly, but before that it’s the Couples Retreat trailer. I think I’ve seen this trailer 50 times. Each time, it’s looked a little bit less enticing than the last, until now, when I’d sooner place my genitals in a blender for an hour and half than watch the film. They even played it before Halloween 2. How much crossover audience could there possibly be? In fact, based on US box office numbers and the near-deserted cinema I sat in on Saturday evening, how much audience, even? This mediocre guff-cloud of a trailer has wandered up my nostrils so many times that I want to do physical harm to anyone who goes to see the film it’s advertising.

As a side note, am I the only one who slightly misses giving a shit about what Vince Vaughn is up to? I used to quite like looking forward to his films. He was genuinely funny in Old School, but he’s worn me down with bullshit like The Break Up and what feels like 14,000 sugar-laden family comedies about Christmas. I just can’t do it anymore. Sorry, Vince.

So, onto Halloween 2. The sequel to the Rob Zombie remake that had the chumpcore elite dousing their immediate surroundings with indignant urine back in 2007 like a bunch of tearful Henrys, this picks up immediately where its predecessor left off. Sort of.

Halloween 2 is a film with some flaws. It’s a little messy, it’s a little uneven and it’s a little too handheld. None of these flaws were able to ruin what was, for me, a very enjoyable couple of hours in the cinema, indeed. This time around Rob Zombie has been able to shake off Carpenter’s original to create the sort of raving lunatic of a film we were all expecting the first time around. This might be the least articulate thing you’ll ever read on this site (outside of the comments section), but Halloween 2 is absolutely fucking bananas.

I know that Halloween 2 isn’t going to be for everyone. I think it’s a shame that it’s been treated like a leper, though. For all the complaints aimed at remakes about a lack of originality, it brings more ‘new’ to the table than most ‘original’ horror films that are coming out at the moment. It’s got pig-faced pumpkin demons in it, for fuck’s sake. It’s also got some great performances (particularly from Brad Dourif and series veteran Danielle Harris as the Brackett family), which you wouldn’t necessarily expect to see in a modern horror movie.

It chafes my balls that it got shown up by The Final Destination on its US release. The Final Destination was bullshit. It was billed as a sequel, but rather than any kind of story continuation it seems to be a film made with a Final Destination checklist. They ignored the concept of characterisation entirely and waved 3D in our stupid, dribbling faces as a distraction. And it worked.

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The effect of the financial drubbing Halloween received was immediate, with Halloween 3D being announced and the director of the monumentally shallow My Bloody Valentine 3D attached. Great. Thanks very much. Everyone who saw The Final Destination that weekend should know that they’ve probably infuriated God. In fact, every time someone chose The Final Destination over Halloween 2 an angel vomited into an orphan’s face. Probably.

Let’s finish on a less vicious note. The reissue of Toy Story has been more than enough to restore my faith in 3D (if not in Disney, who has decided that the US double bill would be too exciting for the UK and so are releasing them, and charging for them, separately). The film holds up perfectly well and looks exceptional. If it’s still showing near you and you haven’t seen it in 3D yet then you won’t want to miss it. Go now. Go on.