With Haywire just released in cinemas, it’s likely that quite a few of you now love Gina Carano. If we’re not careful, however, stupid Hollywood will neglect our Gina and eventually she will go away. After all, action roles for women appear rarely. Even when they do, for every role she gets offered, Jason Statham will turn down two offers to play a female badass by donning a wig and threatening the audience.
What this situation requires is a handsome maverick with a decent set of balls on them. That’s why I’ve stepped up to create some action projects to keep Gina Carano on our screens for the foreseeable future. You’re welcome.
It’s inevitable that, if Carano is to become a big action star, she’s going to have to fight Jason Statham. Obviously, this should be happening in The Expendables 3, but if Rocky V has taught us anything, it’s that we can’t always rely on Sylvester Stallone to do the right thing. I get the impression it’s also going to be up to me to ensure that Hulk Hogan gets cast in that film, since no one else seems to be doing anything about it at all. Seems like I have to do everything around here.
Setting up a film in which Gina Carano fights Jason Statham is about organizing your priorities. Here is an example of how they should look:
Priority number one: the fight needs to be insane.Priority number two: nothing.
That’s why I’m suggesting we do this thing right. The film lasts for 80 minutes and features no plot, just a massive brawl between the two. There would be little dialogue, just an action movie quip every five minutes or so. Sometimes they would spit out blood and look angry, but otherwise that would be it. An elaborate punch-up between two juggernauts of action cinema until one of them falls down and stays there… until the sequel!
Give Me My Money Back!
After the simplicity of the last suggestion, the next idea is something with some emotional content, because not all action films have to be entirely mindless violence (although the best ones do tend to be).
Give Me My Money Back! tells the heartbreaking tale of a foxy woman who never gets what she buys from vending machines. Pushed to the brink when a Twix teeters on the edge of a shelf, only to stop, she snaps. She smashes the vending machine up like it was part of a bonus level on Street Fighter II. She then takes the Twix and jumps up and down on it, crushing it flat.
The rest of the film would see her investigating the global vending machine conspiracy that sees so many people throw their loose change into a machine only for it chug, grunt and fail right in their faces, with no one around to help. She kicks the hell out of hundreds of the bastard things as she traces the plot all the way to the White House. What’s handy about this one is that vending machine violence should do little to upset the censors, and so can be released as a 12 certificate without affecting the integrity of the film.
Or at least that would be the case, were it not for the end of the movie. After Gina explodes her way into the White House, she has a 20 minute fist fight with the President, who is played by Steven Seagal. As they battle to the death, it seems that it wasn’t mere coincidence that she was targeted by the vending machines after all.
Confused Views: The Movie!
I appreciate that this is more of a vanity project for Gina, who would no doubt be thrilled to be involved, than most other entries on this list, but it seems important and is the most likely to bring her the Oscar glory that films like Haywire! and Punch Up! are unlikely to.
This one would see Carano sitting in a comfortable arm chair, warmly lit and probably next to a roaring fire, reading my columns aloud. The idea would be that she does that sexy, bottom-lip bitey thing that she does, every time I mention my bulging chest muscles, which is often. In fact, it might even make sense to have a small box at the bottom of the screen demonstrating what my chest looks like as this happens too. That way, while the men are enjoying Gina’s lip-biting antics, the ladies have got something to feast their eyes on too.
The best thing about this film would be that it lends itself so well to becoming a franchise, given how very popular my column is. Right? Guys, right? Guys?
This is another film that would demand appearances from both Hulk Hogan and Jason Statham.
Marley & Mean!
Look, I’m a realist. I understand that Hollywood films need to make money. Haywire grossed $9m on its opening weekend. Adorable puppy gets old and dies drama Marley & Me rang up more than four times that much when it first came out. It went on to gross more than $200m around the world, a figure that Haywire is unlikely to reach without buying lottery tickets.
I want those big box office numbers for Gina, and I’ve worked out how to get them. If the world wants films about adorable dead puppies, then that’s what we’re going to give them.
Jenny Punchface has been kicked around all her life. She learns how to kickbox and decides to fight back. Typically, ‘the man’ then locks her up in a cell, just because she fights back against an entire bar of abusive rednecks, leaving them all headless and dead. When she leaves jail, she has nothing, just a few badly drawn tattoos and the clothes on her back. She stumbles into the underground world of puppy fighting, where trained fighters step into a cage to fight adorable baby pooches of all breeds. With nothing to lose, she agrees to compete and beats the shit out of about eight ridiculously cute beagle puppies. The crowd cheers, fans chant her name. A star is born.
Then horror, as her training partner and coach, Johnny Kick-kick-kick, is killed in action, falling in a vicious battle with a three-month-old blood-thirsty retriever. Jenny accepts a bout with the furry little bastard, even though other competitors are running scared, so she can avenge her friend.
The remake of RoboCop is happening, regardless of how much some of you have whined about it online. Obviously, those of you won’t be going to see the film anyway, as you think it’s a terrible idea, but some of us are quite interested in how it turns out, and so I’ve stormed in, all hero-like, to save the day with a brilliant idea for the film.
Gina Carano is exactly what we need for Ann Lewis. She is a bad-ass criminal puncher and there hasn’t been a more perfectly cast role since my chest won the role of ‘itself’ two entries up on this list. Of course, with Carano as the feature attraction, we’ve got very little need for anything else in the film. So, we have RoboCop be the spirit of her murdered partner living in her mobile phone or an iPad or something.
He helps her with paperwork and offers her encouragement, saying things like “Yeah, shoot that bastard right in the heart!” and “Punt his stupid, drug-dealing face off!”
Hollywood, I’ll be expecting your call.