There are only two things that are certain in life, taxes, and that MMA fighter, Anderson Silva, can contort your body in such a way that he could actually tie you in a bow. He can do it to anyone, no matter who they are, even if you’re a fictional badass in a violent action movie.
In fact, Silva has been preparing for exactly that situation. How? By training with Steven Seagal. Honestly.
I’m prepared for the possibility that some of you may need convincing (which is convenient, because seventy-three words and a picture aren’t really considered to be a full column, my editors tell me). So, what I’ve decided to do is to give you a few examples of how this could happen. These are all extreme cases, some of the toughest movie badasses that I could think of when I spent a couple of minutes putting together a list.
This should be enough to convince you. If Anderson Silva can dismantle these tough guys, he can dismantle anyone.
Looks like he wouldn’t hurt a fly, doesn’t he?
Just how in the bloody heck is a guy like that supposed to pose any threat to Dutch, the Predator-slaying badass brought to life by an in-his-prime Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Well, Anderson Silva is arguably the best MMA fighter in the world. He’s able to dodge punches before his opponents have even decided that they’re going to throw them. By the time you’ve worked out that he’s going to kick you in the shin, his other foot is imprinting itself on your torso. In some fights I’ve seen him get bored of beating up his opponents and take to dancing or inventing new, face catastrophe-inducing moves. What’s more impressive is that he does this against some of the best fighters in the world.
That being said, Dutch is no pansy. You don’t kill a Predator by being a whimpering blob of cowardice, as Topher Grace recently found out in Predators. I still think that Dutch has met his match in Anderson Silva. It would seem that Silva tracks his opponent’s movement by using a form of psychic Jedi mind powers. You can cover yourself in as much mud as you like, all you’re doing is providing an extra layer between yourself and the attending physician when the whole nasty business is over.
Anderson Silva doesn’t have weapons you can turn against him, nor does he have weaknesses. The last person who thought they had found a flaw in Anderson Silva’s fighting style can confirm this. Silva used his legs and the guy’s own arm to choke him unconscious.
So, with all due respect to Dutch, the big man might be better off sticking to scrapping with technologically advanced alien hunters. It would probably be safer.
While entire armies may have fallen to John Rambo, it’s hard to imagine that he would offer much in the way of problems for Anderson Silva. Rambo’s at his best when he has masses of firepower at his disposal, while Anderson is immune to weapons.
It’s thought that, on the one occasion someone did manage to aim a gun at him for long enough to shoot at him, Silva was able to move out of the way and punch the shooter’s nose until it was inverted, before the bullet had even left the gun. It’s not known whether Silva utilised his science-defying speed or whether the bullet simply pussed out and was hiding. It was probably a combination of the two.
This leaves Rambo in a hand-to-hand combat situation and completely out of his depth. Let’s skip past the point where Rambo has been kicked so hard in the face that he starts having Vietnam flashbacks and jump ahead to after his physical recovery.
When Anderson Silva fights you, he hits you from places you never thought fists could exist. The psychological damage would probably never heal. We all saw in First Blood how Rambo was haunted by his experiences in the Vietnam War. His experiences in the Anderson Silva apocalypse would likely send him into some kind of dark abyss where nothing but face pain and kick-related agony exists.
He’d never be able to open a box of cereal again, for fear of a fist popping out and clobbering him unconscious. He’d certainly be too afraid for to reach down to the bottom of the Corn Flakes looking for the toy. Heartbreaking.
John McClane is the character most beloved to me of all of the movie basasses on this list. It makes me sad to think of the horrific beating that Anderson Silva would deliver to the cop who’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
To cheer myself up from the funk that this has put me in, I imagined what the film Die Hard would have been like if Anderson Silva had been the one in the Nakatomi Plaza that fateful night when Hans Gruber and his goons stormed the building in an elaborate robbery. I figure the film would be much shorter and would feature one-hundred percent fewer explosions.
Rather, I see Silva taking out the entire gang in an epic mega-brawl, smashing their faces while dancing about, to the amusement of the previously terrified hostages. I’d go as far as to say that the Christmas party they were having, pre-Gruber invasion, would probably continue on as normal, with people just stepping over the badly slaughtered bodies of German faux-terrorists.
Furthermore, assuming that Silva’s sperm is as potent as his punches, you can expect more ladies than just Holly’s secretary to leave this shindig pregnant.
Now that I’ve ruined Die Hard, I should probably just give a quick rundown of what I think would happen in the fight. John McClane fights on pure emotion. Anderson Silva makes guys who fight like that look silly…
…before he makes them look like this.
Don’t do it, John. Think of Holly and the kids.
So, I’ve already covered that a wily, scrappy fighting style will do you no good against a fighter who seems to be able to see your attacks coming in Matrix-style bullet time. This already places Jason Statham’s hyperactive badass at a huge disadvantage. However, Chelios is no ordinary movie badass, and so, let’s now consider how some of his more outlandish acts might influence his chances against Silva.
So, with a burst of energy or adrenaline, we know from the Crank films that Chelios can essentially destroy anything he can get his hands on. Pity for him that Anderson Silva is more elusive to his opponents than the Road Runner is to Wile E. Coyote. Expect similarly hilarious and painful results here. Hopefully, we could expect elaborate traps from Chelios, too, employing large Acme magnets, rockets and oversized slingshots.
Another of Chev’s assets that would undoubtedly be used against him would be durability. The heart of Chev Chelios simply will not stop beating, which means that there’s no easy point for Anderson to know when to stop punching. He could continue punching for weeks. Another problem for Chelios is that he regularly needs ‘top-ups’ to keep him going, which will be difficult to achieve in the middle of a fight. Silva has fought for full twenty-five minute fights on multiple occasions. He just keeps going.
Chelios will be lucky if he has enough free time in this situation to keep a running count of how many facial fractures he’s suffered. This means that, at any given point, Chelios might run out of fight, but that his heart will refuse to stop beating, essentially rendering him a stubbly punch bag.
It’s no good telling Chelios to let this one go. That’s not how he works. But expect it to be the one situation which is simply too perilous for Chev Chelios.
Firstly, yes, this entry is basically just an excuse to include a picture of Dolph Lundgren in his pants wielding an enormous sword. What of it?
Secondly, he can menacingly wave his sword around at whoever he likes, but if he waves it in Anderson Silva’s direction, he wants to have Courtney Cox working his musical transporter thing in the background so he make a quick getaway. If he can’t disappear sharpish afterwards, he’s going to find himself calling upon the power of Greyskull’s finest dentist to help reconstruct his mouth.
The biggest problem He-Man faces in this scrap is that he’s powerful, but slow. Anderson Silva has made a point of wrecking guys like this in the quickest and most embarrassing way he can. He dances out the way of their punches and laughs at them for not being quicker. It’s hard to imagine He-Man not becoming flustered as he gets made to look so stupid that even goddamned Gwildor is giggling at him.
Plus, with all that muscle that he’s lugging around, Prince Adam would exhaust himself before Silva even had time to get bored of playing with him. From there, I imagine Silva would grab He-Man in a Muay Thai clinch and knee him in the chest and face until he turns back into Prince Adam, or possibly into Cringer.
The whole process wouldn’t take long. When Anderson Silva knees a person in the ribs, it makes a sound like a sledgehammer hitting a xylophone.
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