“I was born with seven clits.”
I doubt I’ll ever get the opportunity to open a review with those words again, so how could I not? Frank Henenlotter’s latest shlock-freak-comedy effort, appearing after a hiatus of twelve years, sees the above-quoted Jennifer (Charlee Danielson) murder several men during sex in search of ‘fulfilment’. She takes photographs of them during the act to create a horrific kind of portrait art which she calls “Fuckface”, and regularly gives birth to mutant children – regularly being every couple of weeks.
Meanwhile, Batz (Anthony Sneed) has an uncontrollable penis thanks to injecting it with steroids, and has to continuously watch porn and use a home-made machine to masturbate. Unable to help himself, he turns to a drug dealer to give him some hope of recovery.
If you’re thinking, “Bloody hell, Jenny, you’re being a bit explicit here,” welcome to the movie. It’s wall-to-wall sex, a bit of gore and a lot of weirdness.
It’s also incredibly stupid, reasonably disgusting and one of the most mind-numbingly boring films I have ever seen in my life.
Where do you even start with something like this? Given that it’s been universally praised, you’d expect it to have a least a modicum of appeal even for those who aren’t into the genre. In truth, I can’t think of a single person I know, or have ever known, who would remotely like it, and I’d go as far as to say that if I gave them the disc, they would never speak to me again. Or be in the same room. Or the same town.
Let’s look at the evidence. We start off following Jennifer as she sleeps her way around the local clubs, getting so excited that she smashes people’s heads in. Between sessions she stops to have her latest offspring, which she duly abandons, bloody and screaming, somewhere out of the way. All of this is executed with a kind of flippancy that makes you wonder whether the makers actually wanted you to react, or just created it all for their own amusement.
After this has happened several times, during which she’s told us her completely underwhelming life story and we’ve had a view from out of her vagina, we switch to Batz. His whole life involves watching lots of porn films at once whilst trying to stop his oversized member escaping from his shorts. He pops pill after pill, and eventually sends a prostitute into such a state that he has to leave her lying in the car park.
Eventually his penis does escape, and goes around the neighbourhood raping woman in a chronically offensive (and seriously over-long) sequence which serves no obvious purpose other than being able to show us what ‘it’ actually looks like. During this time, Batz and Jennifer have met, and the penis returns to have its way with her. You might guess the ‘twist’ at the end, or you might not. Frankly it’s academic because you’ll have turned it off after twenty minutes.
You know when you can’t quite believe what you’ve just written? That’s how I feel. I’d also feel bloody sick, if I actually cared enough. This is so far off my normal radar that I almost don’t feel qualified to do the review – maybe I’m missing something, but this appears to have no redeeming features whatsoever.
I reckon even the most juvenile of juveniles would find this too juvenile. It’s the same ‘joke’ (and I use the word so loosely it’s hanging on by a thread) over and over again, to the point where you’ll probably want a large bomb to go off and kill the lot of them. I didn’t even want that – I was so bored that some warm milk and a duvet would have been more welcome.
I don’t understand things like this. Perhaps it’s bad biology on my part, and the requisite bit of my brain is missing. Or I was brought up in such a way that I’m completely removed from modern society and what it classes as entertainment. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s a pile of crap.
Not funny, not scary, not big, not clever, not worth even a free copy.
Extras Extras? You should be so lucky.
Bad Biology is out now.