Sylvester Stallone has gathered together the cream of action cinema from the past couple of decades for his upcoming project, The Expendables. But alongside Jet Li, Jason Statham, Arnie and Sly himself, can he squeeze in another paycheque for this lot?
Remember The Boz? The ex-US football player launched himself onto the action movie scene with 1991’s Stone Cold, a cult hit in its own right. Sadly, we’d have to wait four years for One Tough Bastard, but by then, his action star had faded. Stallone, however, could sprinkle some Tarantino career revival juice on The Boz, who last popped up on the big screen playing a guard in Adam Sandler’s The Longest Yard remake. What a waste…
What’s an action movie without a Steven Seagal ponytail in it? Not withstanding the fact that the man’s films haven’t seen the inside of a cinema in some time (if you exclude his excellent Orange advert), we could see Seagal fitting in along the lines of his appearance in Executive Decision. He could turn up, grunt a bit, then fall out of a plane. We think he’d be perfect for the role.
Never mind the Highlander movies, we want the Christopher Lambert from the two Fortress movies, for which this writer has an enormous soft spot. He’s brutal! He’s tall! He’s French! We think he sounds bang on. Bonus marks too if Stallone can get Lambert and the phrase ‘random intestinations’ into the script.
If you’ve got all these action stars, you’re going to need a baddie and a half to keep them busy. Our choice: Robocop‘s Clarence Boddicker himself, currently to be seen pissing off Jack Bauer in 24. If he’s busy, how about giving Robert Patrick a call?
If Stallone has shown a willingness to cast, as he rightly should, Rocky IV‘s Dolph Lungdren – and we hope he gives Ivan Drago the same sneering minimalist dialogue that he did in that film – then he should also spin his DVD of Rocky III. Last we saw of Mr T, he was selling Snickers bars. Surely he’s a prime candidate to be a member of a team of mercenaries, still wanted by the government, a soldier of fortune? Assuming they all don’t mind going to South America on a boat, of course.
We’re still struggling to work out how Chuck Norris hasn’t got the call already. One of the prime reasons to keep going back to the video show in the 80s and 90s, and subsequently one of the reasons that late night video sessions went on so long (plus, er, the ‘art house’ channels we found when we got cable for the first time). Even in a cameo role, there’s got to a place for Norris. That, or make him a major part of the sequel? We’d settle for that.
Hot Fuzz showed that bringing an ex-James Bond into the fray can never hurt, and if you need someone who’s adept at getting close to, then taking out, their targets, then a 007 might come in handy. Last time we checked, Dalton didn’t have an awful lot of work on, either. Plus we’d pay to see him fight Dolph Lungren. That’d be great.
You’ll be crying out for a bit of comedy relief in a film so jam-packed full of action stars, so we took some inspiration from Red Heat, and therefore suggest that James Belushi gets the call. Right now, his movie career peaked with a film about him and a bloody big dog.
Lou Gossett, Jr
Lou Gossett Jr would add some Oscar-winning acting gravitas to the whole shebang, although it’s not his antics in An Officer And A Gentlemen that lead us to suggest that he’d be ripe for a role here. No, it’s his piloting skills, as ably demonstrated in the Iron Eagle series. Charles ‘Chappy’ Sinclair would be a handy man to have around the place, and as he proved in the Sean Astin vehicle Toy Soldiers, he may appear to be a hard case, but he’s a softie at heart too.
There was a point in the early 90s that it looked liked William would go on to be the most successful of all the Baldwin brothers. Alec’s career, post-The Hunt For Red October, wasn’t doing too well, and William was starring in the likes of Backdraft. Then he made Sliver. And the terrible Cindy Crawford vehicle Fair Game (which, er, I might have watched at the cinema. I was young. Ish.) Recently seen in a supporting role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, we suspect – even as early movie cannon fodder – a Baldwin is a necessity. And William is the obvious choice, now that Alec’s gone funny in 30 Rock.
With all the testosterone knocking around The Expendables, it’s surely wise for Stallone to call too upon the skills of one of the most famed straight-to-video action movie stars of the past few decades. Rothrock’s martial arts skills may be rustier than they were in the 80s – although we’d hate to check that personally with her – but we’d still back her to kick seven shades out of the bulk of people who stood in her way.
Another Rocky alumni just crying out to repeat his action movie heroics. Carl Weather was, let’s not forget, the mighty Action Jackson, and he’s proven that he can beat Stallone in a fight on points, too…
Add your suggestions in the comments. And no point putting in Van Damme: apparently, he turned it down…