10 things I never want to see again in movies

Some things are just plain wrong. Mark’s created a list of the worst cinematic faux pas that should never be repeated…

Paint Your Wagon

Clint Eastwood singing

It happened once in Paint Your Wagon, and it was a terrible mistake that should never be seen or heard again. Period.

Nic Cage in an animal outfit

I’ve enjoyed some of Nic’s movies, especially The Rock and even Con Air, but he doesn’t work well inside an animal costume, especially when the movie is as abysmal as The Wicker Man remake. Nic, just don’t do it.

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Bat nipples

I had to include these, as there is no feasible way around them. Batmen don’t need nipples or any other anatomical accessory on their outfits. If Christian Bale appears, smuggling Kevlar peanuts, then I’ll be leaving the movie at that point.

Denise Richards

Nothing more to say, really. Other than if you like Denise, please feel free to substitute Rob Schneider.

Will Smith trying to be serious

There are some movies with Will Smith in that I like, but the worst ones he makes are those where he’s trying to be a serious actor. Actually, thinking about that, and specifically Wild Wild West, he can also be painful to watch trying to be funny..

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Eddie Murphy in a fat suit

Even as a proportionally-challenged person myself, I chuckled a little during The Nutty Professor, but enough is enough. I don’t want to see another slim person putting on latex to do farting jokes, ever. Martin Lawrence and Mike Myers take note. The same goes for you!

Another Clouseau movie

Peter Sellers died in 1980. Can we just accept that sad fact? Alan Arkin had a stab at Inspector Clouseau while Sellers was still alive. Others have tried and more recently Steve Martin has sullied his reputation trying to do the same. Clouseau should be put to rest.

Madonna cameo

I say ‘cameo’, but let’s be honest. Even if she’s the lead character in a movie, she plays it like she’s doing a walk-on piece. I still have nightmares about her appearance in Die Another Day. Madge, stay away from the camera.

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Dakota Fanning screaming

I presume on Miss Fanning’s resume it says ‘special abilities: can scream’. The noise she made through most of the War Of The Worlds made the Body Snatchers wail seem positively melodic. I’ll only see her movies now if they promise on the poster that she doesn’t scream at any point in the story.

TV remakes

We’ve had a few decent ones but the majority of these have been utter garbage, the worst being My Favourite Martian, Lost In Space, I Spy, Scooby Doo, Dukes Of Hazzard and the aforementioned Wild Wild West. Now news comes to me they want to remake the Shatner-tastic T.J. Hooker! Film financers, just say ‘no’.